geekorunique

My name is Kirstie and I am an alcoholic. I've been sober now for 92 days a day at a time and I cannot express the gratitude that I have for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I went to AA trying to save a failing relationship. At that point I didn't really think that I was an alcoholic but I thought that if my partner could see that I was making an effort then maybe she would stay. She left, but I stayed at AA and I am so glad that I did.

I wasn't a morning drinker, I didn't drink everyday. When I did drink it was usually weekend benders, drinking even when I was at work the next day but not really caring, I drank to get oblivion every single time. From my early teens I have always been very nervous and the only way I knew how to switch this off was through alcohol. It meant that I could numb my feelings and force them down for a while so that I could act like everyone else. Soon alcohol wasn't enough and I started taking ecstacy, speed, cocaine and even a few times I took ketamine. Insanity and fear ruled my life. I got arrested and convicted for drugs and even while I was doing my community service I was still using drugs at weekends. I knew that if I got caught again I could go to prison but the need for complete oblivion was greater than my fear of being caught.

I just thought that I was a party animal. That I was a lot of fun. I knew that my drinking wasn't like everyone elses mind you. I stopped for periods of time only to try and show that I could. I didn't ever stay stopped though. I didn't know at that time about the first drink and the physical allergy as well as the mental obsession and spiritual malady. Even walking into AA the first time I thought I would be told that I wasn't an alcoholic so I could just go home!

I am an alcoholic though I know that. I feel freedom with it some days. A relief almost that I never have to drink again. At times I feel like it's so unfair that my friends can drink and I can't! That's usually when I am feeling sorry for myself though!

So yeah...a day at a time I hope I stay sober for a lot longer.

To anyone who is struggling...just hang in there. Get to plenty of meetings. Someone said to me at a meeting only this week..."Don't leave five minutes before the miracle happens"....just keep going back to meetings. Get yourself in a group and get a sponsor. Phone people when they tell you to. They are there to help and want nothing in return apart from you doing the same thing for a newcomer when you are a bit stronger.

Kirst xx