Thank you. It hasn't even been one day since he was off his sub and he couldn't handle the withdrawals. He got a few painkillers to tide him over. Should be wearing off soon I presume. But what about the next day and the next?
I called a substance abuse counselor today. I couldn't handle it anymore. He helped me a lot. I am going to make an appointment ASAP.
I know from reading on here that I am in a bad place. I know the focus should be onme and my life. I won't lie. I am addicted to him. I am addicted to the love that we share. I NEED him to survive (or that's what I feel like anyway). I know without him the days would continue but I know I would be miserable.
God handed me something so great, so amazing. Something that most people only dream of. When he is doing good on his maintenance meds, the world is ours. Two people couldn't connect in a deeper way than him and I.
I know that I am a codie. I've been reading the book. I don't want to be but I also don't want God to take away a man that makes me feel the most amazing things.
When I saw him tonight, he hadn't had any painkillers yet. I swear.....I was looking straight at the devil. The look on his face was sinister and evil. There was a smirk on his face and a look in his eye.....just like the devil looking at me and laughing, thinking he has won. I know that's not my baby. I know that's the addiction.
He texted me today while I was at work. All he wrote was this:
" I hate myself "
I understand what he is going through. I understand with this addiction comes feelings of being ashamed, feeling guilt, anger, fear, and major.....major depression. I can see why he wants to just give up. He just wants to be normal but these pills control him and taunt him. He is truly playing with the devil.
I know I am powerless over this addiction. It is so hard to sit back and watch someone you love so much - someone so compassionate, smart, funny and kind battle this.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day or the next. All I know is my addiction has taken over. I've lost all control now. I'm afraid I won't make it if he takes his own life. I'm afraid of the kind of mother I will become.
Damn it! I am just afraid of losing him. I want him. I know........I am being selfish but I don't want to lose him. I want to keep him safe, wrapped in my arms and never let him go. I wish it could be so easy.
Thank you ladies - I find I can just let go here and release everything that is eating away at me. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes it worse. Tonight it has helped. Thank you for listening (reading) - it means so much to me to know there are people who understand this madness we sometimes let ourselves get caught up in.
By the way Abundance, I'm glad to hear you had a great trip but I'm very sorry to hear about your dog. Losing a pet is very hard especially when they are close to us like family. Sorry I didn't post sooner - depression can do that to you - make you hide inside your shell and not want to talk to anyone. I hope you have an excellent time on your upcoming venture at Berkeley!!! I'm glad you are doing the "right" thing - taking time for yourself. I know, hehe - It's not easy. You inspire me though - I'm glad you keep us posted on how everything is going for you. Now if I could only get my head on straight and follow your lead, I'd be good
Well, I've got to get to bed. I'm so exhausted. Thanks again ladies - have a great night!!