I don't know how to do this

Old 09-04-2008, 09:30 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Unhappy I don't know how to do this

So my latest instincts were right. I knew he was acting different. That was because he was taking more of his suboxone than he was supposed to. Now he has run out......and he doesn't refill until next Friday. I don't know how to do this. I feel so broken inside. I know I am going to lose him. I don't think he is going to use again.....I think he is going to give up. I'm so scared. To sit here and know there is nothing I can do but watch him fade away from me. I keep trying to remind myself that this is in God's hands and whatever happens is Gods will but he is my baby. I don't want to lose him. This is the worst pain - wondering "when". I just feeling like going to sleep forever so I don't have to feel like this.
I don't know what to do. This is his first day without any. And I know he won't see me because he likes to be alone when he doesn't feel good. I am so afraid I will never see his sweet face again. I will never feel his arms around me or his lips kissing me. I will never hear him say "I Love You" again. I can't do this, I am not strong enough. If I let him see me like this, it would definitely push him over the edge. I noticed he has been depressed (very badly) the last few days. I knew he would tell me in his own time what was going on.
I can't pray enough. I would never ask God for another thing in my entire life if he helped him beat this. I know what that means to not ask for anything else again......but I just want him to be okay.
I don't know what to do with myself. I have to go back to work. I'm such a mess. Every time I hear a siren I want to throw up. Wondering if it is him.

Please Lord give me the strength to get through this.

Thank you for listening.
fndngserenity is offline  
Old 09-04-2008, 10:12 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Abundance's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
FS..... *if* you think he is suicidal - call 911.

Try to step out of his addiction.... visualize yourself cutting the umbilical cord. Focus on where the pain exactly is. Is it mainly in your stomach? If so - then the umbilical cord visual will help.

Remember H.A.L.T. - Hungry - Angry - Lonely - Tired. If you are any of those things - you are not going to be feeling better.

Stay focused on you - he is going to do what he is going to do.

Withdrawals off of sub is similar to w/d's off of oxy. Keep in mind too - the half life of subs is about 72 hours - which means it will be 72 hours before the w/ds hit the hardest.

Can you get him to a meeting? How about yourself to an al-anon or an NA meeting? I like the NA/AA meetings because it shows me what recovery is really like.

Right now - in this thread - you are thinking about the what if's and having a lot of assumptions. Stay in the present. What is happening right now. You have no control over what is about to happen. It is out of your hands. Take ownership in the present - no future tripping. When something negative pops up or assumptions - change your thinking. RIGHT AWAY!

So you are at work now right? Step outside of yourself and go into auto pilot with your job. What do you have planned after work?

I know this is hard - I do.
Abundance is offline  
Old 09-04-2008, 10:12 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((hugs)))

Prayers and strength coming your way!
BayAreaPhoenix is offline  
Old 09-04-2008, 11:06 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Yes. Prayers and strength are headed your way. I'm more worried about you than him.

First of all, I would encourage you to stop awfulizing the situation. We have no control over what another person does. Of course it's hard and depressing to accept that fact, but once we do, we can focus on our own survival.

It's your recovery that should be your priority, right now. It's best thing you can do. It's pretty much the only thing you can do but at least you would be doing something instead of just sitting there waiting for the other shoe to drop. It could help you find a purpose beyond him.

Can you make an appt with a counselor for yourself?

Are you going to any support groups (alanon, coda, naranon)? I think face to face support in this situation would be so helpful for you. You can not save him. But you can save yourself. I always used to say focus on the living. My ex was already "dead" as soon as he started using. The life of an addict is no life at all.

What are you doing to ensure that you survive?

I'm sorry. Years ago I had a boyfriend who was an intervenous cocaine user. He overdosed and died. It was suicide. It was hard to get through. But I survived. I survived because I chose too. I worked at it. I did what he couldn't do - I focused on my own recovery from my addiction to him.

You can too serenity. Once you are ready, you can choose life for yourself, no matter what he does.

God bless.
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 09-04-2008, 05:52 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Thank you. It hasn't even been one day since he was off his sub and he couldn't handle the withdrawals. He got a few painkillers to tide him over. Should be wearing off soon I presume. But what about the next day and the next?
I called a substance abuse counselor today. I couldn't handle it anymore. He helped me a lot. I am going to make an appointment ASAP.
I know from reading on here that I am in a bad place. I know the focus should be onme and my life. I won't lie. I am addicted to him. I am addicted to the love that we share. I NEED him to survive (or that's what I feel like anyway). I know without him the days would continue but I know I would be miserable.
God handed me something so great, so amazing. Something that most people only dream of. When he is doing good on his maintenance meds, the world is ours. Two people couldn't connect in a deeper way than him and I.
I know that I am a codie. I've been reading the book. I don't want to be but I also don't want God to take away a man that makes me feel the most amazing things.
When I saw him tonight, he hadn't had any painkillers yet. I swear.....I was looking straight at the devil. The look on his face was sinister and evil. There was a smirk on his face and a look in his eye.....just like the devil looking at me and laughing, thinking he has won. I know that's not my baby. I know that's the addiction.
He texted me today while I was at work. All he wrote was this:
" I hate myself "
I understand what he is going through. I understand with this addiction comes feelings of being ashamed, feeling guilt, anger, fear, and major.....major depression. I can see why he wants to just give up. He just wants to be normal but these pills control him and taunt him. He is truly playing with the devil.
I know I am powerless over this addiction. It is so hard to sit back and watch someone you love so much - someone so compassionate, smart, funny and kind battle this.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day or the next. All I know is my addiction has taken over. I've lost all control now. I'm afraid I won't make it if he takes his own life. I'm afraid of the kind of mother I will become.
Damn it! I am just afraid of losing him. I want him. I know........I am being selfish but I don't want to lose him. I want to keep him safe, wrapped in my arms and never let him go. I wish it could be so easy.

Thank you ladies - I find I can just let go here and release everything that is eating away at me. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes it worse. Tonight it has helped. Thank you for listening (reading) - it means so much to me to know there are people who understand this madness we sometimes let ourselves get caught up in.

By the way Abundance, I'm glad to hear you had a great trip but I'm very sorry to hear about your dog. Losing a pet is very hard especially when they are close to us like family. Sorry I didn't post sooner - depression can do that to you - make you hide inside your shell and not want to talk to anyone. I hope you have an excellent time on your upcoming venture at Berkeley!!! I'm glad you are doing the "right" thing - taking time for yourself. I know, hehe - It's not easy. You inspire me though - I'm glad you keep us posted on how everything is going for you. Now if I could only get my head on straight and follow your lead, I'd be good
Well, I've got to get to bed. I'm so exhausted. Thanks again ladies - have a great night!!
fndngserenity is offline  
Old 09-04-2008, 06:03 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
God's Kid
 
lizw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
My sponsor came over this morning and we were talking about how much living we've missed out on because of this kind of thing.

There is a world outside of this and one does not have to 'feel like joining' to actually join. One just has to be willing to give it a go.

Sure hurts a hell of a lot less. That's for sure.

:ghug
lizw is offline  
Old 09-04-2008, 06:07 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Thanks Liz. Very good point. I know that if I lose him, I am going to go through hell.......but I have to remember, no matter how bad it gets, the days still go on and if I allow it, each day will get a little better than the day before.

Thanks!!:praying
fndngserenity is offline  
Old 09-04-2008, 06:11 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
God's Kid
 
lizw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I have to say it sounds like your going through hell being with him!!! Why don't you stop worrying about him and do something nice for yourself?
Have a bath? Rent a DVD? Go to a movie? Go out with friends?
lizw is offline  
Old 09-04-2008, 06:29 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
I know that is what I should do but I'm so consumed by him. Oddly enough, I'm not consumed by him using or not, I'm consumed by the thought that he may leave me here. The thought that he is in so much pain that he will take the easy way out.
I know, I'm sorry. I understand I am letting this happen to myself. I'm just as bad as he is. I can't let go.
At least I'm not crying at the moment. That's a plus. I kinda feel emotionally drained. Tomorrow it starts all over. I will try my hardest not to worry and wonder if he is safe. And everytime I hear a siren I will try not to let my nerves get me. Tomorrow IS another day. I will try again. Harder this time. I try and do what Abundance said - get focused on my work and let it take me through the day. Get lost in my job and let go of him.........at least for one day.
Maybe if I look at it that way....one day at a time.
Thanks
fndngserenity is offline  
Old 09-04-2008, 06:36 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
God's Kid
 
lizw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Originally Posted by fndngserenity View Post
I know that is what I should do but I'm so consumed by him. Oddly enough, I'm not consumed by him using or not, I'm consumed by the thought that he may leave me here. The thought that he is in so much pain that he will take the easy way out.
I know, I'm sorry. I understand I am letting this happen to myself. I'm just as bad as he is. I can't let go.
At least I'm not crying at the moment. That's a plus. I kinda feel emotionally drained. Tomorrow it starts all over. I will try my hardest not to worry and wonder if he is safe. And everytime I hear a siren I will try not to let my nerves get me. Tomorrow IS another day. I will try again. Harder this time. I try and do what Abundance said - get focused on my work and let it take me through the day. Get lost in my job and let go of him.........at least for one day.
Maybe if I look at it that way....one day at a time.
Thanks
I hear you. I think it has been my expereince that if I waited to feel like not being obsessed by him, before doing something, I'd still being waiting. Taking action for yourself is what breaks the obsession. As hard as it is.
lizw is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:45 PM.