I find it hard to remember my early childhood say pre 9yrs old, the feeling I get when I try to remember those days, was that my dad wasn't there. It is weird because I know he was physically, I have been told that he looked after my sister and I every night from tea time to bed time while mum worked.
At about age 7/8 my dad joined the territorial army (like the reserves) and was away on training every few months. When he came home he would take us out for a meal and he would have bought us a toy from abroad. I do remember him driving us places for days out, and to relatives.
After about age 9, I have lots of memories. I remember him drunk, and going to the toilet in the wardrobe. I remember him wandering around sleep walking because of drink and getting into my bed by accident thinking it was his room. I remember him threatening to leave mum, packing a suitcase on the sofa as my sister, mum and I wept. I remember coming home from school one day and mum telling us he had left and gone to nan's, he came home the next day.
When I was a teenager, my dad drank alot. there would always be rows and arguements. We lived in a Public House, that my mum and dad managed. Dad spent more and more time in the pub, drinking. He became increasingly violent towards my mum, verbally and physically. I remember him kicking down her door because she had locked it, and then trying to strangle her. I called the police on him and then was forced to go and tell the policemen that I had hoax called them. He became increasingly abusive verbally toward me, and would use his physical size to control me. I was afraid of him.
As an adult, I find it much easier to stand up to him now. I say what I mean and mean what I say. It is with my mum that mental games are concerned with, in her presence I can quite quickly become a child again.
Am I recreating my parents relationship with my boyfriends? After reading this back, I would have to say a definate yes.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx