Subtle similarities

Old 09-01-2008, 04:23 PM
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Subtle similarities

Okay, I have always known logically that I have choosen men who have simialarties to my father. Verbally and physically abusive etc....

However something that has began to slip into my consciousness, is the idea that I have expected from the men in all my relationships, the same things I expect from my father, but never got.

Not obvious things like 'love and support' but rather things like:
  • I wanted my Dad to acknowledge me as a girl - I was a bit of a tom boy so he brought me boys toys.
  • I wanted to try harder and be perfect so he'd accept me, so I never talked about my problems.
  • I wanted him to show me attention, so I'd fake interest in his activites.

I had a ton of them in my mind earlier, but now it's gone blank. This idea for me creeps in, then is gone again.

Anyone else have this? It feels so subtle.
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Old 09-01-2008, 04:41 PM
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My dad wore a flight suit. I looked for approval from men in flight suits.

I "matured" and realized men in flight suits were trouble, so I married an A.
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Old 09-01-2008, 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by lizw View Post
Okay, I have always known logically that I have choosen men who have simialarties to my father. Verbally and physically abusive etc....

However something that has began to slip into my consciousness, is the idea that I have expected from the men in all my relationships, the same things I expect from my father, but never got.

Not obvious things like 'love and support' but rather things like:
  • I wanted my Dad to acknowledge me as a girl - I was a bit of a tom boy so he brought me boys toys.
  • I wanted to try harder and be perfect so he'd accept me, so I never talked about my problems.
  • I wanted him to show me attention, so I'd fake interest in his activites.

I had a ton of them in my mind earlier, but now it's gone blank. This idea for me creeps in, then is gone again.

Anyone else have this? It feels so subtle.
Subtle as a ton of bricks!

It was the bottom that got me back into sobriety and the program, the realization that my ex was a lot like my alcoholic, bipolar mother. A more personally charming version, and she is also a sailor-harder to find among the females-but when the realization of the exact nature of the attraction hit me it was literally like a ton of bricks. Haven't considered the more subtle things, but on the whole it was trying to get love from someone that, for whatever reason, didn't have much if any love to give. And the scary thing, though I'm reasonably certain it's not organic, I can treat women the way my mother treated me.
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Old 09-02-2008, 07:00 AM
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Sure. For the first three decades of my life I was only attracted to strong, silent men who abused alcohol and who would cut their own throats before they'd tell me they loved me. It was "normal" and comfortable because it's what I had always known. Somewhere in my mind, I was still trying to get my father to tell me he loved me (he died without ever having said it or even indicated it)

I was also a chameleon, trying on different faces, personalities, and ways of being so that I could be loved. I didn't even know what I was truly like until my 40s. It's a shame, because I really like the person I discovered I was.

Keep trying to grab the tails of those little birds flitting through your head, liz. It's really amazing to be able to hold these thoughts in your hand and examine them...you feel like you have power over them for the first time. At least I did.

Good luck!
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:25 AM
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I actually am the exact opposite. It seems my whole adult life I have been hooking up with guys that are the exact opposite of my father!
My father and I never got along when I was a teen...before that it was storybook. Looking back I actually had the fairly tale life. My parents were together and happy. I knew I was loved and wanted. My father was strict but not overly so. It's either black or white/right or wrong...no gray areas. I lived in a new home and always had what I needed.
My father is a good man. Works hard, provides well, and is HONEST to a fault. 2 beers and he's asleep...There are very few men like him out there. I would do myself a favor by hooking up with a guy like my dad...but I just don't find that kinda guy attractive.
My dad is the sterotypical 'good catch' So, why don't I want that?
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Old 09-02-2008, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
Somewhere in my mind, I was still trying to get my father to tell me he loved me (he died without ever having said it or even indicated it)

I was also a chameleon, trying on different faces, personalities, and ways of being so that I could be loved. I didn't even know what I was truly like until my 40s. It's a shame, because I really like the person I discovered I was.
After posting I wondered if it was more about what I expected from a partner, rather than how similar the were to my dad. As in the problem is in my attitude.

I'm not saying that I'm totally responsible for all the sicko relationships I've been in, but rather OMG I've never noticed I had the same expectations of men, that I had as a child of my dad.

I'm 30 and relate to the chameleon thing and feel like I am going through this now. Who am I? What do I like etc? What do I really feel/thing etc?

Everyone tells me it is great I am doing it so young. With 4 live in relationships behind me, all with other A's, I am a A myself, I think I am right on time.

I think I've taken my childish ideas of what a 'man' should be and/or do and applied them to my relationships. And that is totally new thinking for me on my part....
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Old 09-03-2008, 08:21 AM
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I could NEVER please my father so I feel now I look for men who DO need me and appreciate the things I do for them. Unfortunately they have ended up being alcoholics and very needy people.
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Old 09-03-2008, 08:45 AM
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I find it hard to remember my early childhood say pre 9yrs old, the feeling I get when I try to remember those days, was that my dad wasn't there. It is weird because I know he was physically, I have been told that he looked after my sister and I every night from tea time to bed time while mum worked.

At about age 7/8 my dad joined the territorial army (like the reserves) and was away on training every few months. When he came home he would take us out for a meal and he would have bought us a toy from abroad. I do remember him driving us places for days out, and to relatives.

After about age 9, I have lots of memories. I remember him drunk, and going to the toilet in the wardrobe. I remember him wandering around sleep walking because of drink and getting into my bed by accident thinking it was his room. I remember him threatening to leave mum, packing a suitcase on the sofa as my sister, mum and I wept. I remember coming home from school one day and mum telling us he had left and gone to nan's, he came home the next day.

When I was a teenager, my dad drank alot. there would always be rows and arguements. We lived in a Public House, that my mum and dad managed. Dad spent more and more time in the pub, drinking. He became increasingly violent towards my mum, verbally and physically. I remember him kicking down her door because she had locked it, and then trying to strangle her. I called the police on him and then was forced to go and tell the policemen that I had hoax called them. He became increasingly abusive verbally toward me, and would use his physical size to control me. I was afraid of him.

As an adult, I find it much easier to stand up to him now. I say what I mean and mean what I say. It is with my mum that mental games are concerned with, in her presence I can quite quickly become a child again.

Am I recreating my parents relationship with my boyfriends? After reading this back, I would have to say a definate yes.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 09-03-2008, 10:55 PM
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So, what does this mean if you didn't know your father? Still trying to figure that out w the therapist. It seems like I chase after men that are no longer interested in me. Kinda like trying to get that male attention that I never got growing up!! I like the hard to get ones.
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Old 09-04-2008, 02:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Lizziesd View Post
So, what does this mean if you didn't know your father?....

...It seems like I chase after men that are no longer interested in me...

...I like the hard to get ones.
My insight...

chasing after men who don't want you, that are not interested, does this parrallel to how your Dad was not available for you, did you feel he wasn't interested in you as a person, that he didn't want you?

I see the same dynamics of your absent Dad in the description of you chasing over unavailable men.

Hugs to you while you are figuring this all out, it hurts I know, but as they say, the truth will set us free.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:13 AM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
Sure. For the first three decades of my life I was only attracted to strong, silent men who abused alcohol and who would cut their own throats before they'd tell me they loved me. It was "normal" and comfortable because it's what I had always known. Somewhere in my mind, I was still trying to get my father to tell me he loved me (he died without ever having said it or even indicated it)

I was also a chameleon, trying on different faces, personalities, and ways of being so that I could be loved. I didn't even know what I was truly like until my 40s. It's a shame, because I really like the person I discovered I was.

Keep trying to grab the tails of those little birds flitting through your head, liz. It's really amazing to be able to hold these thoughts in your hand and examine them...you feel like you have power over them for the first time. At least I did.

Good luck!
Are you my long lost sister Give?

This was me and my father and my relationships to a T!

Amazing as we look back and learn more through recovery....

I was blessed however that my silent quiet A father did tell me first within his last year before he died that he loved me...

Today sometimes I get triggered with the man I'm with now because he is not like any guy I ever dated before-we have been together quiet awhile and he is great for me! He does not put up with my crap and he is gentle, caring, peaceful, some qualities like my Dad however he tells me that he loves me everyday-Change is good.......as recovery is changing me more and more each day!

Good Luck and keep us posted!
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