As your probably noticing, once we stop trying to control our loved ones our life comes into focus and we may not like what we see.
I know when my relationship ended with my last AB it shocked me to learn I was behaving violently. Maybe not to the extreme he had been but I had it in me. Like attracts like eh?
So I've had to find ways to express my anger with out behaving violently - not letting it reach breaking point is a good started for me. Admiting to someone I am angry etc....