(((SW))) You are not alone! You have us- you can go to al-anon and be surrounded by people who have been through what you are going through. I don't know if you've ever been, but I know it took me a while to find the right meeting and feel comfortable there. I don't go regularly now- too busy- but I go when I can, and the same people are there to welcome me back. From all of your posts that I've read, I see a woman who is strong, loyal and not willing to just walk away from something that means so much to her. . . a lot like me. It's not easy!!! I've found that I need to be more compassionate with myself. Treat yourself the way you'd treat a good friend going through this crisis. Take care!