A few posters recently have posted wondering if any of us have moved on to a healthy relationship after ending a relationship with an A. I have, and this week something happened to illustrate that point, so I wanted to share.
As I have mentioned, I’ve been seeing someone for about a year and a half. We see each other about once a week, but usually talk on the phone every night before bed. He ended a dysfunctional relationship about 6 months or so before we met. He has not had any contact with his ex since they broke up, until recently. She has been contacting him through email and IM for the past few weeks. He told me about this, and that he had responded since he wondered about her.
So, the other night, I called him for our normal bedtime chat, and there was no answer. This has happened before when his cat plays with the phone cord and unplugs it from the wall. No big deal, so I sent him an email letting him know that the cat unplugged the phone again, and I would talk to him the next night. I did have a little twinge in the back of my mind, though, since the ex had contacted him again that same day.
The next morning, there is a reply to my email saying that it wasn’t the cat. The ex had IM’d him and asked him if he wanted to go for a walk with her while she walked her dogs. So he did. And in his email, he said he was glad that he did because their breakup was really ugly with lots of animosity, and it was healing for him to have a civil conversation. (The old “closure” cliché, I guess)
When I read that email, the codie in me came roaring back! What if she is trying to get him back? What if he decides to go back to her? (And, honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she is trying to get him back.) All my insecurities came rushing back like a tidal wave.
But, I had enough sense not to reply immediately to his email. I have learned over the last 3 years in recovery that my reactions are just that—mine. So I sorted it out in my mind, recognized my fear of abandonment, my fear of “not being good enough,” my control tendencies, etc. I played the tape all the way through and realized that if he wanted to be with her, he probably still would be. If he wanted to go back to her, there is nothing I can do to stop him. AND if that happened, I would still be okay. I was fine before he came into my life, and I will be fine if he is not in my life anymore. Sad maybe, but fine. AND I am attractive and intelligent and there are plenty of fish in the sea. Then I replied calmly that it makes me uncomfortable that he went for a walk with his ex, but that I have no reason not to trust him since he has always been completely honest with me. I owned my own insecurity, and admitted to it without blaming him for it.
So, last night, we talked it all over in our bedtime conversation. He said he has no interest in rekindling anything with her (and I believe him), and now that his curiosity is satisfied (he says he was curious to see if she has changed or is still doing the same things/repeating the same patterns), he has no need to see her again.
Three years ago, in this situation, I would have been a mess. I might have reacted angrily, which would have caused him to react defensively, which would likely have caused problems in the relationship. As it stands, we have both been honest with each other about our feelings. The air is clear. We will see each other this weekend and have a good time.
Anyone else have examples of how relationships can be healthy?
L