Healthy Relationship examples?

Old 08-20-2008, 02:51 PM
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Healthy Relationship examples?

A few posters recently have posted wondering if any of us have moved on to a healthy relationship after ending a relationship with an A. I have, and this week something happened to illustrate that point, so I wanted to share.

As I have mentioned, I’ve been seeing someone for about a year and a half. We see each other about once a week, but usually talk on the phone every night before bed. He ended a dysfunctional relationship about 6 months or so before we met. He has not had any contact with his ex since they broke up, until recently. She has been contacting him through email and IM for the past few weeks. He told me about this, and that he had responded since he wondered about her.

So, the other night, I called him for our normal bedtime chat, and there was no answer. This has happened before when his cat plays with the phone cord and unplugs it from the wall. No big deal, so I sent him an email letting him know that the cat unplugged the phone again, and I would talk to him the next night. I did have a little twinge in the back of my mind, though, since the ex had contacted him again that same day.

The next morning, there is a reply to my email saying that it wasn’t the cat. The ex had IM’d him and asked him if he wanted to go for a walk with her while she walked her dogs. So he did. And in his email, he said he was glad that he did because their breakup was really ugly with lots of animosity, and it was healing for him to have a civil conversation. (The old “closure” cliché, I guess)

When I read that email, the codie in me came roaring back! What if she is trying to get him back? What if he decides to go back to her? (And, honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she is trying to get him back.) All my insecurities came rushing back like a tidal wave.

But, I had enough sense not to reply immediately to his email. I have learned over the last 3 years in recovery that my reactions are just that—mine. So I sorted it out in my mind, recognized my fear of abandonment, my fear of “not being good enough,” my control tendencies, etc. I played the tape all the way through and realized that if he wanted to be with her, he probably still would be. If he wanted to go back to her, there is nothing I can do to stop him. AND if that happened, I would still be okay. I was fine before he came into my life, and I will be fine if he is not in my life anymore. Sad maybe, but fine. AND I am attractive and intelligent and there are plenty of fish in the sea. Then I replied calmly that it makes me uncomfortable that he went for a walk with his ex, but that I have no reason not to trust him since he has always been completely honest with me. I owned my own insecurity, and admitted to it without blaming him for it.

So, last night, we talked it all over in our bedtime conversation. He said he has no interest in rekindling anything with her (and I believe him), and now that his curiosity is satisfied (he says he was curious to see if she has changed or is still doing the same things/repeating the same patterns), he has no need to see her again.

Three years ago, in this situation, I would have been a mess. I might have reacted angrily, which would have caused him to react defensively, which would likely have caused problems in the relationship. As it stands, we have both been honest with each other about our feelings. The air is clear. We will see each other this weekend and have a good time.

Anyone else have examples of how relationships can be healthy?

L
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Old 08-20-2008, 02:58 PM
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Thanks for that great example of healthy!

I'm not ready yet for a new relationship. Still working on me. But I do know that when I'm ready, it will be a healthier relationship than I've ever had before. I have learned so much about me and life in general. It took a while but I am finally learning.
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Old 08-20-2008, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
........boy i bet your head went to some pretty scary places for a couple of minutes there!!!!
To be honest, I'm not THAT healthy yet. It was more like a couple of hours!

And yes, it's true. Recovery hasn't eliminated my dysfunction. Only allowed me to recognize it and stop it from controlling me.

L
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Old 08-20-2008, 03:49 PM
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LTD,

I'm glad you posted this inquiry, because I have been wanting to "share" my good news but didn't feel like starting a post tooting my own good fortune.

I have been separated/divorced for the past nearly 5 years. I have not dated and knew that I was not ready for many of those years. Early this summer, a great friend (guy) from high school, my best friend really, contacted me (he was divorced a year ago) and we had dinner, shared some emails and phone calls, and I started wondering "what if?", you know, could there be something more here than just friendship? He is very different from exAhusband, and initially I thought not necessarily my type. But my "type" has always been a bad choice for me--typical drugged out-drunked out wild guy. I knew that my picker had been broken for a long time which was why I had chosen not to date but just be with "me" for so long and nurture myself well. I wasn't looking. This was the first time I was excited to go to dinner with a MAN in 5 years, honestly, and there was no anxious feeling in my stomach, that 6th sense I have learned to trust.

It's been great. I know that my HP put us in each others' paths at just this time. We have had such a fun and loving summer together, and I am falling in love again. There have been several moments where I've let my codependent nature rear its head and let me doubt myself, nearly sabotaging a wonderful relationship with worry and awfulyzing, but like you I have learned that patience, trust, turning it over to my HP, and following the 24 hour rule (stop, wait 24 hours before responding so that my emotions are more in check) are well worth it.

All that I have experienced in life up to this point has taught me so much about myself, and I'm very glad I took the long time off from relationships that I did. I am in a great place for something this healthy and positive and loving. I know I deserve to be treated this special, even when those little insecurity feelings pop up here and there. Honest communication has been the key, no games or lies or pretenses. I agree, recovery hasn't eliminated the codependency, but has made me very aware of its presence and to put a hand up to it and say stop, you don't live that way anymore. Healthy is so much better, so much more fun, and so much in the PRESENT. One day at a time is a perfect approach in a new relationship, and I'm loving every day these days
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Old 08-20-2008, 04:15 PM
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LTD..I love this thread... Like Barb, I am not ready yet for a relationship but I see myself more open to it in another year and looking forward to it..
I love the reminder of the 24 hr rule..such an important codie rule ..needed to hear that today..., grateful
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Old 08-21-2008, 06:33 AM
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Thanks for this LTD, I love this example of healthy communication and taking responsibility for emotions, it is what I am working toward myself.

I am quite new to my recovery been working on me for 10 months, single for 6; so I am not heading into any relationships just yet. I want to take some time out and get to know me, deal with some issues etc.

It is inspiring to see how a healthy relationship can look, seeing as I've never had any example of that with people in my life or my family!

I do have an example of healthy communication between my sister and I...

It was a few weeks ago, we work within the same company, in the same building, but within different teams. She had had a very stressful day with her colleague and came to see me in my office as she needed time out.

I suggested we go for a coffee and chat. When we got to the coffee house, we sat down together and I gave her room to talk out all her angst, just listening without interrupting her.

After she had finished complaining about this girl, I told her that my advice would be to sit down with this girl, and clamly, without letting her emotions go, talk about it with her. That it was probably just a crossed wire and the other girl was not even aware probably that she was having this much effect on my sister.

She decided to not act on my advice, and just wanted to vent to me. Fine, her choice!

But for me this was great! I didn't allow my sisters emotions to become mine or try to problem solve for her, or join in with the rant (all things I may have done before learning about my codependancy). I also, even though I could see she was allowing her emotions to be led by this girl and that she could do with some of her own recovery work, I didn't preach this to her! Another part (I'll tell you the way to fix it) of me, that I would usually have let run wild.

So for me, this is me beginning to react in a healthy way toward the relationships I do have right now. In time, my new skills will serve me well in any new relationships too!

Thanks LTD
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Old 08-21-2008, 07:32 AM
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After decades of unhealthy relationships, I'm still recognizing the signs of living with a healthy one.

Having someone around who's proud of me, and who I hear bragging about me behind my back, when it CAN'T earn him any brownie points with me. Hearing myself brag about him, how honest and funny and fragile he is.

Having someone who's willing to sit down at the kitchen table and figure out what's not working between us, and help figure out a compromise that does work. Being able to say, "Sorry I'm being such a codie; I'll do better next time" and have it be understood without anger.

A relationship in which we can both say, "Hey, you know that thing you did last night? That made me feel really bad and thinking about it kept me up half the night. Can we agree that's something we can avoid doing from now on? (drinking too much, talking to the ex boyfriend in a certain way, staying out too late, etc.)"

Even the things that don't go right have a certain power about them, because when two people love each other more than they love their little habits, there's always the possibility to make it right somehow.

I always thought I would be attracted to losers for the rest of my life.

Getting a taste of something like this, regardless of how long it lasts, has more or less fixed my "picker" forever. I know now I'd be happier single than to ever be in a relationship with someone I couldn't do these things with.
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Old 08-21-2008, 07:52 AM
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I love this thread. It serves as a reminder to me of what I deserve.

Can we make this a sticky when it's all done?
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:27 AM
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Lily,

Excellent point about being healthy in our other relationships, as well. I am so lucky I have two children to constantly "practice" my healthy behaviors with.

I think slowly becoming who I want to be, in my family and professional life, has really helped me develop healthy behaviors that show themselves in my intimate relationship.

L
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Old 08-21-2008, 10:11 AM
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I always learn so much from your posts, LTD, and look forward to reading your responses every day. I don't have much to add since I haven't had a relationship since my breakup with Richard except that I'm glad our paths have crossed and I'm grateful for everything that you share.

One day when I get enough recovery under my belt and I work up enough courage (I admit I'm afraid to get involved with someone new) to enter into a relationship, I hope I will be able to apply my new found relationship skills with just as much grace as you do.
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