sleepygoat

My AD signed herself out of treatment facitlity (#6) after 1 week. This was a record (the prior record being 6 days). She had called me to help her after her BF was strangling her and she had left him and was back on the street. She loved the rehab (we got 2 letters - whe was so happy there) and then something happened.... at any rate she left and went back to BF who beats her but gives her free crack - on his terms.

In the 2 days I spent with her helping her get the bed their, I saw for myself how ill she is; the lesions all over her body, the drawn in face, something wrong with her gait (?), how she is too tired to take her HIV meds consistently, so her last labs were not a surprise with a drop in Tcells and an increase in viral load. She does not yet have AIDS but things are marching along in that direction.

I just lost it when she left the rehab. I had allowed myself to hope. I am not 'down' for opportunistic infections, etc. I am not ready for a slow horrible death from AIDS, or murder from her BF. My mom is not willing to pay for any more inpatient treatment. I don't have the $. She is pretty well F'd, you know? she has tried charity care, but the places in NJ really don't call her back it seems (I've seen this). So we had gone the "grandma pays in cash" route.

I really believe she did want recovery, but when that disease said 'jump' on Wednesday, she said "how high?"

I am ready to 'use' myself and my sponsor wants me to go inpatient someplace for 'relpase prevention' which she says they have someplace in
florida (I'm clean 4 1/2 years). I am struggling to function and don't care about anything, really. I just want out.

I am a mess. Don't tell me 'just let go' because I don't know what to do with the overpowering grief and sorry. I don't know what you do with that stuff. I want to die.

Seems like I convice myself their is hope and I convice myself to trust my higher power and I start to believe He has this situation in hand and will help her, and then its in my face and worse and worse and I wind up back here (metaphorically speaking, 'here' being in despair)/