sleepygoat

My AD signed herself out of treatment facitlity (#6) after 1 week. This was a record (the prior record being 6 days). She had called me to help her after her BF was strangling her and she had left him and was back on the street. She loved the rehab (we got 2 letters - whe was so happy there) and then something happened.... at any rate she left and went back to BF who beats her but gives her free crack - on his terms.

In the 2 days I spent with her helping her get the bed their, I saw for myself how ill she is; the lesions all over her body, the drawn in face, something wrong with her gait (?), how she is too tired to take her HIV meds consistently, so her last labs were not a surprise with a drop in Tcells and an increase in viral load. She does not yet have AIDS but things are marching along in that direction.

I just lost it when she left the rehab. I had allowed myself to hope. I am not 'down' for opportunistic infections, etc. I am not ready for a slow horrible death from AIDS, or murder from her BF. My mom is not willing to pay for any more inpatient treatment. I don't have the $. She is pretty well F'd, you know? she has tried charity care, but the places in NJ really don't call her back it seems (I've seen this). So we had gone the "grandma pays in cash" route.

I really believe she did want recovery, but when that disease said 'jump' on Wednesday, she said "how high?"

I am ready to 'use' myself and my sponsor wants me to go inpatient someplace for 'relpase prevention' which she says they have someplace in
florida (I'm clean 4 1/2 years). I am struggling to function and don't care about anything, really. I just want out.

I am a mess. Don't tell me 'just let go' because I don't know what to do with the overpowering grief and sorry. I don't know what you do with that stuff. I want to die.

Seems like I convice myself their is hope and I convice myself to trust my higher power and I start to believe He has this situation in hand and will help her, and then its in my face and worse and worse and I wind up back here (metaphorically speaking, 'here' being in despair)/

lil516

I am so sorry for your pain...
I hardly know what to say but I had to acknowledge your sorrow....

I can imagine the despair you are feeling as you turn it over to HP and the results are not what you hoped

all I can offer is that God's plan is not always our plan

I can still feel the frustration I felt at an earlier time in my life when I had to accept that God answered my prayer but the answer was "No"

you can not determine the outcome of your daughter's journey (as I can not control my RAS) but you can shape the path you will travel on and I pray that you stay determined to continue this journey clean

take care of yourself...talk to your sponsor...show your daughter (through your actions) that using is NEVER the answer

please know you are in my prayers

StillLearning1

(((sleepygoat)))
I am so sorry- I have no words, just to tell you, you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. Please listen to your sponser, take care of yourself for the moment. Allow others to take care of you, help you through this sadness and pain. Sending a big cyber hug with this message.

rozied

Dear Sleepygoat, My heart goes out to you also. Life can be so painful & many times things don't work out as we would like them to. Everyday I have to face the fact that my son who is 41 is so lost in his addiction & his thinking is so warped from yrs of abuse or else he needs a psychiatrist, I must live with the fact he may never straighten out. It breaks my heart everytime I think of it.
I know the pain of having a child you must watch destroy themselves BUT your or my using is NOT the answer.
Drugs & alcohol have NEVER DONE ANYONE ANY GOOD. They will only bring you down & destroy you life.
Hang Tough.............let your daughter get her strength from your strength, and get yours from your HP.
Love,
Diane

Impurrfect

(((Sleepy)))

I don't have any great advice, but sending you big hugs and prayers. I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this.

Amy

marle

Sleepy, Sending hugs and prayers for you and your daughter. All I can say is that I never thought my daughter would leave her abf who supplied her with all the drugs she wanted. But she did and today she has 84 days clean. It can be done but you know that she has to want it and for now she is not quite ready. We can't know the future and thank God for that. Take care of yourself, do what you need to do to stay clean. Your life is every bit as important as your daughter's. Hugs, Marle

grateful2b

(((((Sleepy)))))

I am so sorry....
this is such a heavy burden that you carry.....
I know what it is to be so sick and at the end of my rope regarding my AD..I have said that I didn't know when her bottom was but I recognized mine when I saw it...
Sleepy, inpatient sounds like a wonderful idea...a place to rest and regroup and recharge..
a worse pain might be falling off and then finding out your daughter wants to try again and not being able to support that.
I send you prayers ..and in my prayers you will stay....and big momma hugs....please take care of you, sister....grateful

cece1960

((((Sleepy))))
I can feel your pain, and my heart goes out to you.
I don't know how to release what your feeling. When I was at my worst, I did finally "let go" as you stated, but it only finally worked when I let go of everything, including the outcome.
I kept hold of hope for him, but more so for me...that I would make it through...and come out the other side stronger.

Perhaps a meeting would help with relapse prevention. They're free, and immediate.

Wishing you better days ahead
(((Hugs))))

Done_With_It

****{Sleepy}}}

I hope you take your advice from your sponsor and go to the relapse
prevention place. I'm sorry things are so rough right now, hard
for me to even imagine... Your both in my thoughts and prayers...

BigSis

Sleepy... I echo the thoughts about the relapse prevention. It can't hurt, and may well help.


Hard to believe in a Higher Power when we are in the middle of terrible pain. Instead of looking for the 'big' changes and differences, my sponsor had me look for the little things. To pray my butt off, then keep my eyes open.

NOTHING happens without a reason. She went to rehab because there was something there she needed to hear, or someone there she needed to meet. Perhaps that happened in those first few hours... we can't know.

My prayers are for you... that you can find some joy in life, because life is supposed to be joyful. That you can find your way to believing in a Higher Power who/that really IS bigger than either of us and really DOES work. I started with the power of my recovery program.... and the things I noticed (godincidences) were changes in my relationships furthest out.... first I was getting along better with my sister... then my mother. Eventually, my husband and my children. But not at first. At first, the changes I noticed were in little things... more patience with the traffic... more clarity of thinking when I was at work.

Eventually, I started noticing some darned big coincidences.... and started believing in a real power that is greater than me.

Only when I was truly believing in that power could I "let go" and give my precious children over ... otherwise, it felt like I was just dropping them into space!!


So, for today, it is perfectly ok to still want to manage your daughters well-being. To care about her outcomes. To spend time thinking about her health and welfare. But I hope you might find some clues in MY journey that can help you with yours.

I couldn't let go and let God... until I had a more solid belief in God.



I wish you well, sleepygoat. (((hugs)))

cece

I am so sorry for your pain. Sending lots of hugs and prayers.

I think my hardest times in my recovery come when my son shows signs of wanting to change, and I get my hopes up and begin to visualize a different outcome, and then he seems to slip back.
I think I let my recovery go during that hope and place the focus on him, let my guard down and this vulnerability helps me feels punched in the stomach when it seems to come crashing down on me.
It's no different then before he showed positive signs but it sure hurts more, because I got a glimpse.
I can get so angry at him, at God, at myself and the hurt and pain can seem unbearable.
Nothing anyone said helped. And sometimes as he seemed to have no regard for his life, at the same time, I just wanted to curl up and die myself.
All tools go out the window.
But then I come back to my recovery because I honestly know I have no choice. Its the only thing that works. The only place I find peace and hope.

I do believe that even a week of recovery is one more seed planted in your daughters brain. Whether it holds and grows only time will tell.

I remember being so angry at God I was screaming at him. ( Someone later told me, This is a type of prayer, and when its all you got, use it!)
In my angry screaming head I threw my son at God. ( That was my letting go, not so nicely). I told him you take him, I give up.

Deal with this devastating blow, using tools you know, are all that we have in the end.
Pray however you need to, but come back to what you know works.
:praying
Cathy

beegee

((((Sleepy)))))

I feel so bad for what your going through. None of us wants to see our kids suffering in anyway. I am sure it just broke your heart seeing how ill your daughter looks.
I also agree the relapse prevention sounds good. You so need to look out for you right now. Prayers for you and your daughter to make better decisions.
(((HUGS))))

sleepygoat

Thank you everyone for your replies. My sponsor (so far) can't remember where she went in Fl (it was 12 years ago. she's 24 years clean). I have called a couple of places that have no idea what I'm talking about. they all say once you are clean, you can't go inpatient. I may have to do this the 'regular' way, with meetings and therapy, and hanging on....

My daughter called her grandma (my mom) and told her some crazy story about why she left the rehab. Just insanity. She is so lost. But i felt better because I now know she made it back to Newark and her abusive BF in one piece. Come to think of it, how crazy is that for me?

I just have to find my way some how.

krhea75

Hey sleepy,
I can soooo relate about getting your hopes up. I am so sorry your daughter is in such pain. You have to be strong, not for her but for yourself. you have overcome an addiction, and that gives many of us hope. Take it one step at a time. We are powerless over addiction, but we are strong enough to realize it. hang in there.
krhea

Jody Hepler

If you PM me, I can direct you to some places.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

greeteachday

((((((Sleepy)))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. It's so incredibly difficult to watch the self destruction. She really does have to find her own way and it seems like she is ready but not quite willing yet to do whatever it takes. Are you? The hardest times for me were when I "thought" I surrendered but then I became so sad and desperate when the outcome didn't go as I thought it should. Learning to find those Godincidences Big Sis speaks of helped me to find the positives that could help me through darkness. It helped me find hope for me. Many hugs and prayers for you and your daughter.

Spiritual Seeker

(((((((((((((Hang on sleepygoat)))))))))))))
I think you gave yourself some good advice " meetings and therapy "

Work real hard to save yourself at this point in time. Don't isolate.
Lots of support coming your way for the strength you need to stay well.

Serenity Bound

Hugs & Prayers coming your way. I, too, believe you gave yourself good advice, meetings & therapy. Remember, you're worth it!

peaceteach

Prayers that you allow yourself to take care of YOURSELF right now, Sleepy.

caileesnana

sorry for your pain, I can only imagine how hard this is. I think you are a nurse too, right? I know in working w/ patients over the years they sometimes give up. Maybe you can remind your daughter how important her attitude is toward her physical recovery, not just the emotional?

I think of you and her often. There but by the grace of God go I. I am here if you need to yell, scream or cry.

susan