Look up the stages of grief. I know anger is one of them. And maybe that’s what this is about. You’re grieving. Find a healthy way to let that anger flow. Then forgive yourself, and move on to the next part of your life.
I’m sure these feelings were a long time coming. But until you acknowledge them, it’s easy to pretend they’re not there.
You’re done. You sound like you know that in your heart of hearts. But, sometimes, patience is required when we have the least amount of it.
Stay strong, and take care
juju