I am so angry

Old 08-14-2008, 10:38 AM
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Angry I am so angry

Well, we are just a couple of weeks away from the AH moving out. As the days count down, I am suddenly finding myself REALLY angry and with very little compassion for him or his situation. He plays the little boy role at the moment, and acts like he is lost and helpless.

Every time I bring up to him that his reasons for wanting to stay have nothing to do with our relationship or love, but strictly because he is screwed if he leaves, he never argues. I am suddenly ticked off at his lack of concern regarding me carrying the house entirely on my own...I am ticked off that he just can't say, "you know, you don't want me here, so I am just going to go early." I am ticked off that he has not done one damn thing to pack yet...except when he dramatically decided to pull out his duffle bags to simulate packing (not a coincidence he did it on my birthday)...The manipulative behavior, the lies....I am so sick of it. I am also angry that I may come home from the weekend he is suppose to move out, and still find him there...(I am going away for the weekend when he moves out).

I never thought I would ever feel this way. I almost can't stand to look in his direction. How can one go from being so in love to such disgust in a matter of weeks? Is this a normal response? Any suggestions on how I can maintain during these next few weeks? Aside from...
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Old 08-14-2008, 10:42 AM
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Good luck cant treally say mch at the moment except be strong 4 you!

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Old 08-14-2008, 10:45 AM
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I am sorry for your anger. But the anger might keep your resolve going until he is out, so maybe it is a good thing. You have every right to be angry!
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Old 08-14-2008, 10:46 AM
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I started helping my XABF along with his packing. I brought home boxes from work, started separating his things from mine and making stacks. I also made it quite clear every chance I got that I expected him to be out by the time I got home.
guess what? He was STILL there when I got home. Finally after 2 more days, I asked for his house key back. This is what worked for me
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Old 08-14-2008, 10:46 AM
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I think your anger is a good and healthy response - maybe you are asserting your value and are appropriately angry and who he really is?

When I started to see my ex clearly, I was really angry at his selfishness and selfservingness. I went from suicidal depression to homicidal rage! I just kept remembering the 4 stages of grief and that this too shall pass.
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Old 08-14-2008, 10:47 AM
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Look up the stages of grief. I know anger is one of them. And maybe thatís what this is about. Youíre grieving. Find a healthy way to let that anger flow. Then forgive yourself, and move on to the next part of your life.

Iím sure these feelings were a long time coming. But until you acknowledge them, itís easy to pretend theyíre not there.

Youíre done. You sound like you know that in your heart of hearts. But, sometimes, patience is required when we have the least amount of it.

Stay strong, and take care

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Old 08-14-2008, 12:03 PM
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Been there done that, my ex signed a lease on a empty condo then refused to move for 4 more weeks! He spent those weeks on a sort of propaganda campaign to get our son to agree to live with him 50% of the time by telling him lies (that he was not drinking and that I had a BF!), he failed.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:39 PM
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This sort of scenario is exactly why I chose to be the one to leave our house and did it without advanced notice.

I cannot give you any suggestions on how to get thru the next couple of weeks but urge you to think throught what you are going to do if he doesn't leave on schedule. He may not regardless of your agreement.
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:40 PM
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Thanks for the encouragement.

I just feel like I have been totally duped. Yesterday, I get home from being out all, school, etc...and find that we had a "private caller" on the caller id call between 8:07am and 8:19am about once every minute. I am not stupid, I know that it is the OW. Then he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't talk to her and he has no where to go....I mean, really...does he think I am that stupid?

I just feel totally used, and I am mad...mad at him...mad at myself...originally, when we were talking about separating, I told him that I would help him out for a month or, I am like WTF is wrong with me that I agreed to such a thing?!?! Of course, he remembers this and wants me to stick to this arrangement....He thinks I have all this money...No consideration on the burden it places on me. NONE. Sorry...venting...
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:48 PM
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Silverberry, sometimes anger is an appropriate response.

You, for example, have to come home from work to face a cheating, snivelling, self-pitying alcoholic who used to be a man. That would make me mad enough to scream. Oh, wait, it DID

Make a plan for what happens if he's still there when you come home. Explore your legal options. Write down the monthly price of the nearest storage facility that rents 10'x10' spaces, and give him their number. And make sure he knows that NOT leaving isn't an option. Helping him with boxes and such is a not-so-subtle hint too that you're not going to back down.

You just have to survive this. You can do it. And just beyond that --- all the possibility in the world for greater joy in your life.
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Old 08-14-2008, 03:59 PM
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I know how you feel. When I decided I couldn't live with my A anymore, I gave him a month's notice. As in: be out by the end of the month. During that same month was a two week period when are kids were supposed to go visit his parents. We live in a rural area, the airport they were to fly out of/in to is a four-hour drive.

I had made arrangements to drive them down the night before they were to fly out. AH couldn't come, which was fine with me. The kids and I had a nice time shopping, staying in a hotel, eating out, etc.

So then two weeks pass and it's the day before we are supposed to drive down and pick them up--together. He decides he's going to a party for this guy (another A) who is moving to Alaska. He doesn't come home that night. Shows up at 9:30 the next morning, still buzzed, and decides to pass out.

I had a plan for the day already, which involved some housework, tidying up, changing bedding, etc. to get the house in order for return of kids, start of school, etc. So, I'm stomping around the house, fuming over the night before, listening to him snore while I clean up the house and get ready to drive four hours each way to the airport.

Finally, he gets up, says he can't stand this anymore, he's moving out today! Grabs his suitcase, throws some clothes in it and leaves.

He had three weeks to come up with a plan, decide on a date, find a place, etc. What does he do? Leaves on the day we are supposed to pick up the kids at the airport! So, not only did I have to drive four hours each way with no one to share the driving. I had to explain to the children why their dad was no longer living in our house.

And where was he? At his drinking buddies house continuing the party from the night before.

Yeah, sometimes anger is appropriate.............

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Old 08-15-2008, 07:25 AM
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Thanks La and to all who answered with advice and support.

Yesterday the AH called his father (another A), and asked if he could come to live with him a while. His dad told him no. Additionally, he gets a letter from the State of FLA stating that his ex wife is trying to collect back support, and they are assisting in the investigation. So yesterday evening, I tried to remain detached while he sat sulking, crying, and very needy. It is amazing to me how I know that he has the OW on the side, and he could be doing alot to help himself, and yet, I STILL feel the urge to reach out.

However, the moment, I step away from the situation, I get angry. I feel a mixture of anger, pity, and guilt...It is truly awful.
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Old 08-15-2008, 07:31 AM
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anger, pity, and guilt
I know how you feel! I personally try to hang onto the anger at times (whether its right or wrong), it makes me stronger to move forward than the other two. I hear its a process...I'm finding out they're right! Hang in there!
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