Originally Posted by
Reddmax 
My fear is this: My AW is a proactive abuser. She goes the extra mile to make life hurtful and wearing. The other issue is that she does this even while "sober".
I have to clean up after the messes that get made, either physical or emotional/mental.
1. That's because when she's not drinking, she's still not sober.
2. You don't actually have to clean up the messes.
What are you so afraid of? Have you tried quantifying what that really is? What are your fears? That she'll kill you in your sleep? That she'll actually physically harm you? That she'll scream louder than she's screamed at you before? That she'll walk out and into the arms of one of her previous husbands? That she'll race to the bank and clean out your accounts?
To date, I don't read anything that you are afraid of, that doesn't equate to manipulation on her part, and something many people here have feared before. It's a game, and you're a player. She's counting on that.
My mom has had issues with rage for many years. And when she'd rage, everybody would shake in fear, including her ex-husband (my father) and her current husband. Fortunately, she got counseling, and was able to change her behavior for many years. She had peace and others did also. Last week, she got ticked at her husband and called me. I hadn't heard her voice in a rage like that in years. We didn't talk for long and she called me back after a short while. She had hung up with me and marched into where he was sitting, got in his face and through clenched teeth began to unload a batch of poison all over him. Oddly enough, he gave it back for once. Told her he hated her when she was like that and wanted a divorce. She was calling me from her car, petrified because he did something he had never done before. She was so sorry for her actions, and scared to death to go home. When she did, she apologized for her actions immensely.
When she went in to unload on him (for something pretty petty), she assumed he'd do what he normally does, and sit there and take it. For once, he didn't. Yes, he forgave her. But I bet she doesn't do that again anytime soon.
There's power in fear. He had fear and she knew it. I had fear and my AH knew it. If you're used to taking her abuse out of fear, your AW knows it. If you want it to change, you're going to have to change something, because otherwise, the dynamics of how your relationship works is just alllll too convenient for her.