Wow it'satruth-- got a huge lump in my throat now!! Life is so hard and so beautiful!
Kermit! Just another single mom here - been raising 2 boys solo for 10 years now and I can totally recall those nights when I thought I was just gonna go out of my tree with stress and frustration.
I found this little plaque at a flea market and I keep it on my closet wall, behind the clothes - but I know it's there:
"Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck."
Can't tell you how many times that silly image has saved my sanity and made me laugh and remember that this too shall pass.
Also sometimes getting REAL with the kids and calling a "Family Meeting." I started doing this when they were like 7 and 11 and driving me INSANE!!!!!
I make it really official like I leave them notes: Family Meeting/ Kitchen Table/Wednesday night at 8pm, snacks WILL be served! And then I'd sit there with my legal pad and say whatever--"I'm having a hard time understanding why the beds are not made in the morning even though I've asked many many times for this one thing to be done before you leave for school. Can you guys come up with some ways we could all make that happen?" Then whatever we say I write it down. I don't argue with anything they say, I just make a list. Then we have a rational discussion. My older son wrote himself a big note MAKE BED and taped it by his light switch. His bed has been made - no lie - 90% of the time since then. And those very rare times he forgets I either let it go - or I just say "Your bed." And he gets it.
We have used the Family Meeting format now for all kinds of things-- planning trips, having budget discussions over major purchases, planning Christmas. I keep waiting for them to scoff at the Family Meeting thing - but they haven't! In fact they wanted a new kitten recently and kept bringing it up and pushing for it etc. And I kept putting it off. Then one day my younger son (13) sent this txt message simultaneously to me, his brother, and my boyfriend "Family Meeting Tonight: KITTEN!!!" Oh man, I laughed so hard.
I had a codie mother who ranted, raved, screamed and yelled 24/7 at us 5 kids. Despite my vows to myself that I would never be like her - I was becoming the same person (EGADS!!) Therapy really helped me and so did the books "Between Parent and Child" by Haim Ginott and "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish It's taken me a lot of work and changing myself and things are manageable most days - never perfect - but manageable.
There's no magic trick - no matter how smooth you get things going there will be bumps, aggravations, pain, regrets, yelling, and apologies. As my wise MIL said once "They're children! If they just sat there with their hands folded it would horrible!"
You can DO this Kermie-- hang in there - and remember LOVE SAVES THE DAY!!!
Peace,
B.