halfbaked,
Others have said it and I agree, you need to heal yourself first and most importantly.
I feel that NA and Nar-Anon (or AlAnon) would help you. Who knows, you could go to NA with your husband?!?! It could be a great way to support his recovery and get something out of it yourself!
Set your boundaries on what is and is not acceptable behavior going forward and stick to them the best you can - it is progress, not perfection that we are striving for. Keep reading and rereading the other messages posted here, that has helped me.
Good luck to you and your family.