anubus

My ABF did finally pick up his van & stuff on Sunday. He appeared pretty depressed, and I think sober. He had to fix a flat tire on the van, and load up the stuff. We talked casually, but I diliberately did not ask him questions as to where he was staying, if he was okay, etc.

Then.......he ended up leaving a few items.....said he didn't have room for them in the van, and asked if I could keep them until he got a (legal) vehicle. I just replied "I dont know.....if the stuff is still here when you are ready, okay.....but honestly I just can;t put my life on hold for your stuff." WAS THAT AN OKAY REPLY?? Is he leaving the door open, "just in case"???

THEN.........really weird.....right before he was ready to leave, he offered to fix my broken lawn tractor.......what the heck is up with THAT????? Was that his way of stalling, or wanting me to offer him to stay????? Of course I refused, but it was just KILLING ME inside!!!! I still love this man, and felt like begging him to stay.....but knew if I did, it would only keep him from chances of ever recovering....that to do so would be blocking God from being able to HELP him....what a horrible desease this is!!!!

AND, I did a terrible thing!! (Please be GENTLE on me.......I'm human.....lol)
I honestly don;t understand WHY I did this.......revenge, an excuse for him to come back, or WHAT??? I kept the title to his van. LONG STORY.......but it was locked in a metal safe box, a friend of mine picked the lock the day before (I thought I might have to junk the van because he wasn't picking it up). Originally I took the title with good intentions, and just pulling his chains like he has mine for so long.......but then when he came, I didn't give it to him or say anything.......I honestly cannot believe my behavior or reasoning with this. He apparently never noticed the title was missing, as I haven't heard anything about it. But today I started feeling guilty & ashamed of myself for acting so childish, and left a message on his daughters machine that the title was here. Maybe I was wanting to leave a door of communication open??? Gosh, help me to understand why I did this!!

And I took all of your advise, and am 3/4 finished reading CODEPENDANT NO MORE. Oh, my gosh........what a bunch of heavy emotions I'm dealing with!! The book is awesome, WHEN you are ready for it (kinda deep, emotional).
And after reading it, and feeling these emotions, I knew I needed to seek a support group.......my small town doesn;t offer Alonon meetings (at least not that I was able to locate yet), but there are some AA meetings, and the person on the phone said the 12 step program was basically the same. So I go to my first one tommorrow.....yikes!!!!! I'm really scared!!!!! Just too much overwhelming info, changes, and emotions.

One problem I am having a difficulty with is Detaching. I've given him to God and visualized it as the book suggests......but yet I'm a nervous wreck over it. HOW does one comepletely let go, and NOT feel anxious or worry about it?????????? I released him to God, but yet am still worried, and begging God to please make him bottom out & realize his problems. I just can;t release the feeling that he probably will NEVER change. And honestly, I LOVE him, and he's sick........and it's killing me!!! I keep thinking the "what if's"........what if this doesn;t work, what if he dies, what if he meets another enabler/woman. Ugh.....this is very hard to "let go" when you really love somebody who has this crazy desease, and even though you know it's the right thing to do.......it's HARD!!!!


And I try to talk to my friends about it, and nobody understands the alcoholic situation/cycle!!!!!!! I feel SO alone.