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Update....he picked up his stuff.....but I have some questions about MY feelings...



Update....he picked up his stuff.....but I have some questions about MY feelings...

Old 07-31-2008, 11:47 PM
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Update....he picked up his stuff.....but I have some questions about MY feelings...

My ABF did finally pick up his van & stuff on Sunday. He appeared pretty depressed, and I think sober. He had to fix a flat tire on the van, and load up the stuff. We talked casually, but I diliberately did not ask him questions as to where he was staying, if he was okay, etc.

Then.......he ended up leaving a few items.....said he didn't have room for them in the van, and asked if I could keep them until he got a (legal) vehicle. I just replied "I dont know.....if the stuff is still here when you are ready, okay.....but honestly I just can;t put my life on hold for your stuff." WAS THAT AN OKAY REPLY?? Is he leaving the door open, "just in case"???

THEN.........really weird.....right before he was ready to leave, he offered to fix my broken lawn tractor.......what the heck is up with THAT????? Was that his way of stalling, or wanting me to offer him to stay????? Of course I refused, but it was just KILLING ME inside!!!! I still love this man, and felt like begging him to stay.....but knew if I did, it would only keep him from chances of ever recovering....that to do so would be blocking God from being able to HELP him....what a horrible desease this is!!!!

AND, I did a terrible thing!! (Please be GENTLE on me.......I'm human.....lol)
I honestly don;t understand WHY I did this.......revenge, an excuse for him to come back, or WHAT??? I kept the title to his van. LONG STORY.......but it was locked in a metal safe box, a friend of mine picked the lock the day before (I thought I might have to junk the van because he wasn't picking it up). Originally I took the title with good intentions, and just pulling his chains like he has mine for so long.......but then when he came, I didn't give it to him or say anything.......I honestly cannot believe my behavior or reasoning with this. He apparently never noticed the title was missing, as I haven't heard anything about it. But today I started feeling guilty & ashamed of myself for acting so childish, and left a message on his daughters machine that the title was here. Maybe I was wanting to leave a door of communication open??? Gosh, help me to understand why I did this!!

And I took all of your advise, and am 3/4 finished reading CODEPENDANT NO MORE. Oh, my gosh........what a bunch of heavy emotions I'm dealing with!! The book is awesome, WHEN you are ready for it (kinda deep, emotional).
And after reading it, and feeling these emotions, I knew I needed to seek a support group.......my small town doesn;t offer Alonon meetings (at least not that I was able to locate yet), but there are some AA meetings, and the person on the phone said the 12 step program was basically the same. So I go to my first one tommorrow.....yikes!!!!! I'm really scared!!!!! Just too much overwhelming info, changes, and emotions.

One problem I am having a difficulty with is Detaching. I've given him to God and visualized it as the book suggests......but yet I'm a nervous wreck over it. HOW does one comepletely let go, and NOT feel anxious or worry about it?????????? I released him to God, but yet am still worried, and begging God to please make him bottom out & realize his problems. I just can;t release the feeling that he probably will NEVER change. And honestly, I LOVE him, and he's sick........and it's killing me!!! I keep thinking the "what if's"........what if this doesn;t work, what if he dies, what if he meets another enabler/woman. Ugh.....this is very hard to "let go" when you really love somebody who has this crazy desease, and even though you know it's the right thing to do.......it's HARD!!!!


And I try to talk to my friends about it, and nobody understands the alcoholic situation/cycle!!!!!!! I feel SO alone.
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Old 08-01-2008, 01:43 AM
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Although I'm sure many others will be along later to give you good ES&H, I just wanted to say something about going to AA meetings.

Make sure you go to an "open" meeting, which is for anyone (closed meetings are for alcoholics only). I'm sure, since you told the person your situation, the meeting they recommended is open.

I've heard many people here, who are the family members of alcoholics or addicts say they got a LOT from AA meetings....mostly hearing the A's say "getting the door shut in my face by ---- was the best thing that ever happened to me" because it was having to face a consequence.

Since I'm a recovering addict AND a recovering codie, the best thing I can tell you is the more you stay away from him, the better you'll be. The "what-if's" drove me crazy. I finally sat down and went through every singe one of them, thought each one through, and then figured out if there was anything I could REALLY do to prevent the what-if's...and found out there was not a darn thing I could do.

What if he dies? Well, if I were to keep enabling him and putting up with his stuff, he has no reason to change and may die SOONER (my thoughts). What if he finds someone else? He did, and pretty fast. She was ALSO an addict and they fed into each other's addiction. SHE got enough and I heard at one point was walking around the neighborhood with a butcher knife, looking for him because he'd stolen her dope and money (like he did with me). What if he never changes? He hasn't. He just got out of jail AGAIN and is still doing the same crap...and he's 49 years old!

Yes, I still hear about him from occasionally, from his nephew who is my friend. The nephew always tells me "Amy, I love him but I'm SO glad you got away from him". I have not seen or talked to him in a year..the last time I saw him was at his mom's funeral (wonderful lady, and I miss her dearly...she, too, told me "go your own way, girl....he's not gonna do you right"). It helps not talking to him or seeing him.

That's just how I dealt with detaching from him. Believe me, I went through the same feelings you are feeling now...it just takes time and baby steps, but those baby steps add up and each one makes you a little stronger.

Oh, and if he ever does get clean and get his act together? I can still be his friend, but no more. He's lied to me and stolen from me too many times. I do still love him, but I am no longer IN LOVE with him and it's a huge difference.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 08-01-2008, 04:45 AM
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Originally Posted by anubus View Post
but yet I'm a nervous wreck over it. HOW does one comepletely let go, and NOT feel anxious or worry about it?????????? I released him to God, but yet am still worried, and begging God to please make him bottom out & realize his problems. I just can;t release the feeling that he probably will NEVER change. And honestly, I LOVE him, and he's sick........and it's killing me!!! I keep thinking the "what if's"........what if this doesn;t work, what if he dies, what if he meets another enabler/woman. Ugh.....this is very hard to "let go" when you really love somebody who has this crazy desease, and even though you know it's the right thing to do.......it's HARD!!!!
It is hard to truly let go and let God. It takes practice and effort. But once you do, you will be amazed at how much better you feel.

Thinking "what if" is never helpful really. All it does is drive you crazy. So find a way to stop your thoughts/worries when they intrude in your mind. I've seen some in here suggest putting arubber band or something similar on your wrist and snapping it everything you catch yourself slipping into the codie thoughts. FOr me everytime I started down that path I visualized shoving my concerns about xAH into a globe that God is holding and telling myself that those concerns are out of my control and cannot leak out into my world. Its a learning process. You have to truly be letting go and not wanting to keep enmeshed in the problems and issues that are not yours to own.
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Old 08-01-2008, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by anubus View Post

One problem I am having a difficulty with is Detaching. I've given him to God and visualized it as the book suggests......but yet I'm a nervous wreck over it. HOW does one comepletely let go, and NOT feel anxious or worry about it??????????

I released him to God, but yet am still worried, and begging God to please make him bottom out & realize his problems.
.
Step 3: This takes time, its progress not perfection. All we need to do at Step 3 is make a decision. We don't need to perfectly and finally, as in once and for all time, turn the care and life of our alcoholic over to the will of God. We need to just decide that we are going to to so. This becomes a daily or even hourly practice.

Just decide today to turn the situation over to God. That includes the outcome. No need to tell God how to do it, either.

Sending hugs your way~~
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