HI Erin.
Welcome to the recovery forum!
You have every right to be mad. The situations you have described are insupportable. Unfortunately, our well deserved and often righteous anger rarely has any effect other than to make US miserable. It doesn't touch the people we're mad at. That's why we try to learn to let it go. You don't have to be understanding. How can things like that be understood? It's the self torture that alanon can help you with.
When is it time to be accountable for your own actions? Always. I'm with you. I get very tired of blanket excuses for personal behavior.
Always feel free to say how you feel here. Chances are we've paddled the same canoe!
Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke