Introduction and Advance Apologies

Old 03-31-2002, 02:53 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Dannygirl
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Angry Introduction and Advance Apologies

Hello everyone,
Having just become a registered member of this community, I have spent a good deal of time reading through the previous posts. So, now that I feel like I know, and can relate to, some of you very personally, I figured it would only be fair to introduce myself and share a bit of my story.
I am the surviving daughter and sister of alcoholics. Eleven years ago this May 11th, my father died of kidney failure brought on by decades of drinking. This past November, I lost my brother who was only 37 years old. He leaves behind a wife and an eleven year old son. He had 14 1/2 years in his job, and for reasons we'll never know, he took a gun and killed himself. In the three days it took us to find him, we learned he had repeatedly tried to check himself into a dry-out clinic, only to be told his problem was not severe enough and that he would be placed on a waiting list. Two days ago, Friday night, I found out his surviving widow, my sister-in-law, went on a binge and when she realized, almost too late, what she was doing, called her sister and had herself admitted to the same dryout clinic that had refused my brother. My eleven year old nephew is now living with my sister's family.
I can't pretend to be understanding right now. That's where the advance apologies come into place. I won't apologize for being harsh right now. I have read the books, and I'm still just as confused as I was before I spent $75 at Borders Book Store. I'm going to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. Perhaps by then I will have worked up some compassion. But right now, I will just have to ask for everyone's patience and understanding. It's going to take a little while for me to work through the anger of knowing my brother tried to get help and was refused, of knowing that despite everything my nephew has been through, his mother would go and try to do te same stupid thing that is causing her so much pain right now. You'll also please forgive me if I have no support for the "system" right now. Tihs is a "System" that tells me that because my family and I are extremely Irish, we're more likely to wander down this path. To me that's like one of those scumballs on Sally Jesse Rafael saying "Because I was abused as a child, I have no control over my own actions, and beat my kids because of it."
Can someone just please answer me one question? When is it time to take responsiblity for your own actions?
Thanks for listening and see you all on the web.
Erin
 
Old 03-31-2002, 03:07 PM
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HI Erin.
Welcome to the recovery forum!

You have every right to be mad. The situations you have described are insupportable. Unfortunately, our well deserved and often righteous anger rarely has any effect other than to make US miserable. It doesn't touch the people we're mad at. That's why we try to learn to let it go. You don't have to be understanding. How can things like that be understood? It's the self torture that alanon can help you with.

When is it time to be accountable for your own actions? Always. I'm with you. I get very tired of blanket excuses for personal behavior.

Always feel free to say how you feel here. Chances are we've paddled the same canoe!

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 03-31-2002, 05:27 PM
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Aim
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First let me apologize...I read "Can YOU relate?" and responded to it BEFORE I read this post.
Second and more importantly: NO APOLOGIES are necessary. I am also a surviving daughter of an alcoholic father. My mother and stepfather have major alcohol issues. And I have three older brothers that are all alcoholics.
What happened to your brother is exactly what I fear will happen to mine; I read your post and nearly fell over. I am SO sorry that this happened. The anger, resentment, confusion, sadness. Aside from your loss, I can say that I totally understand.
What really struck me is when you said "when is it time for people to take responsibility for there actions?" That has been one of my biggest issues with all of this, and it causes such an enormous amount of turmoil inside of me. I am at a total loss for words right now. I feel for you more than I can say.
BE pissed. BE unsympathetic. Don't resist what your feeling, and DO NOT apologize for it. I don't think you would ever be expected to be sympathetic. There are hellish things going on around you right now and you have every single right to feel the way you do. I hope I'm making sense here.
I am SO sorry that this happened to your brother, his child, you, his family. I can't begin to imagine.
Take care of yourself. Hold close to those you love and those who love you.
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Old 03-31-2002, 08:31 PM
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Morning Glory
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I am also a survivor of suicide. It was 27 years ago and I don't understand it any better now then I did then. I do know though that time heals all wounds. Children have a way of blocking out the emotions of a traumatic event. I hope your nephew gets counseling as soon as possible. If he deals with his grief now, it will save heartache later. There are also groups for survivors of suicide that would help you, along with al-anon. As far as anger goes, I am still angry and probably always will be. The pain has turned into a mild sadness now, but I remember when it was overwhelming. The "I should have" and "I could have" and "if onlys I had" drove me crazy. Now I think "he should have" and "he could have" and "if only he had" and look what an impact his choice made on my children's lives. They have suffered greatly feeling that their father didn't care enough about them to stay alive. I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. It will get better.

Morning Glory
 

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