A jumble of feelings
I am new. Last night AH went to his first meeting. He wanted to make sure I knew he was going so he called me to find out what time the meeting was-the local Naranon site only had one listed at the location but the location had 2 listed. I checked and told him when they were. He said he did not want to check online because our 7 year old might catch him-doesn’t want him to know why he's going to a meeting (it’s not unusual for him to be gone at night--he is a musician--church music director by day (not now) and jazz musician by night).
AH asked me which meeting to go to and I said--this is all in your hands. If you go, when you go, where you go. I drove past the location on the way home from picking our son up from daycare and then thought--I should not be checking up on him. But I thought-he did not go and he is probably getting high or at a bar drinking. I hate that this is what I think. He lies to me openly or by omission. My trust for him is zilch so even on non-addiction related things I am unsure if I trust him. I don't know how to deal with that.
Also, so he goes to meeting. . .am I allowed to ask how it went or do I stay out of it?
I read drainedwife's post and many of the things she wrote are part of my life. AH saying he is depressed so self-medicates (my response is you are not a doctor, you don't get to prescribe medicine for you).
He tells me he is afraid that even if he does get straight I will leave him so what is the point. I tell him he needs to do it for him before he does it for his family--and then we can take it from there.
I am fed up. He lost his very well paying church job 2 years ago-long story but yes, drugs were involved. Now he just wants to be a jazz musician--which of course is where all the people he works with get high. He wants to be an artist--but can't he do that sober? I am tired of keeping the house together alone-especially with 2 emotionally disabled kids. I have loved him, hated him, resented him and about 4 years ago I realized I feel nothing. Our marriage feels like a business, not a marriage.