I just read this in the Al Anon One Day at a Time for today and thought of you...
Today's Reminder
I can persuade myself to be quiet by realizing that angry words cannot touch me unless I allow them to. Most angry words have no basis in logic or reason anyway, so why need they hurt me? If a wrathful explosion on the alcoholic/addict's part seems aimed at me, I will understand that it may only express his own guilt. I will not allow this to be shifted to my shoulders.
I know, easier said than done! Just thought it applied to your situation to help you remember that what he says regarding his use doesn't have anything to do with you. He's just placing the blame somewhere else to justify it. Sure you know all this though! Hope things go well for you and your kids.