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discussion with ah last night

Old 07-29-2008, 12:13 PM
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discussion with ah last night

last night my ah and i had a discussion. he did not get loud like i thought he might. he didnt totally deny using either...he just didnt admit its as much as i know it is and he said he knows its wrong he was self medicating because he is so depressed and he said he was sorry and he'll stop. when i asked him if he would get help to save our marriage he said "no--its a waste of time, i am not addicted...i can stop whenever i want."...

he said if i acted better towards him, he wouldnt have any need to use. i said dont you dare blame me..it is not my fault...i am not doing this to you...

he also said he didnt care if he had a heart attack and died because he is so miserable. i said that was selfish because he has 2 girls that need him. he said that i would just take them away from him....

why do i feel bad for him still......i always feel bad for him....he down plays the situation, thinking its not that bad...and that im overreacting....

I know that he is using more than he says by checking the cash advances on his credit cards..he told me the balance was only $1200.00 when i know it is much higher..he also lied about having only 1 card that the bill gets send to his office....i know there are 2 cards....

what is wrong with me that i can accept the situation for what it is--a failed marriage,,,,,and move on. he will never admit that he needs any kind of help.
he just wanted me to stop making him feel bad last night..

any suggestions?
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Old 07-29-2008, 12:23 PM
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Sorry you are struggling

Hi drained,
I am pretty new to this recovery stuff but one thing I have learned is my need to set boundaries. I gave my husband some lee way for awhile but I have reached the end of my rope.
I will not tolerate drug use around me and the kids - period. when i told my h a couple of weeks ago I would no longer live this way, he got into treatment. I don't have a plan b or c but I trust myself to figure it out.
Have you thought at all about your "bottom"? It may not be his but could it be yours?
hugs,
Kathy
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Old 07-29-2008, 12:35 PM
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Keep working on you. You know what active addicts do and that is LIE!!!!!! He will say and do anything to keep what HE WANTS, and heck with what is best for you and the girls.
Please do what is best for you and your girls and the HE*L with him. You do not want to lose your girls and there is a chance it can happen if anyone finds out he is using. Would you be better off with him or without him. Not speaking of money but your mental health.
Take care of you and keep working on you. I am here if you need someone to talk to.
Hugs coming your way
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Old 07-29-2008, 12:38 PM
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Hi drained. I think it's normal to feel sorry for them and wish we could help. They act sick and desparate and alternate begging for help with blaming us for their problems. They play on our sense of humanity and decency.

However we must accept that nothing we do can help them or change them and focus on making the wisest, sometimes most difficult decisions to protect ourselves and our families. I still feel sorry for my addict ex, however I no longer put his needs before mine or the needs of my children. It's not easy to be tough, but it's best for everyone involved in the situation - even the addict.
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Old 07-29-2008, 12:41 PM
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(((drained))) there is nothing wrong with you. It is hard to end a relationship, especially when kids are involved. It can also be scarey to start a new chapter in your life. At the same time it can be empowering. You will be able to see what a strong woman you are.

As far as him saying things like" if you acted better toward him, he wouldn't have a need to use." Paleeez! Addicts are wonderful at using gult to excuse themselves. One of my daughters friends just relapsed last week after 18 months clean. She used the same line, "I used because so & so wasn't very nice to me". She used because she chose to, just like your husband. Don't buy into his crap. Not your deal.
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Old 07-29-2008, 12:42 PM
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You've heard it before sweetie - actions, actions, actions - all the rest is quacking.

We want to believe they are cabable of getting clean on their own but that is usually not the case, no matter if they've been in 10 different detoxes or rehabs in the past and know the drill - sometimes it has to be medically supervised and they need to be "away" from everyone.

I can't remember what your AH's DOC is. I'll go back and look but I think, if I remember correctly, we are in the boat. It is so hard to walk away but you know that denial and downplaying their usage is all part of the lie, all part of the game, all part of addiction. He's not a rock bottom but it sounds like you are. Time to start thinking about a plan and try to figure out how much you are willing to risk to him.

Hugs and prayers girl, hugs and prayers. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger - REALLY. Stay here and keep posting cause it's the bridge to sanity.
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Old 07-29-2008, 12:43 PM
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The one thing I would worry about is having drugs at home around children. What happens if he's busted and they are living in the same house. I have heard that you could also be arrested and then the kids would be going to Foster care for a while. That would scare me enough to toatlly get out of the relationship. My kids would come first!!! Hugs and good luck, Bonnie
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Old 07-29-2008, 12:49 PM
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Drained......... you can't make him feel better...... you can only make yourself feel better. The next step is for you to act on what it is that you want for yourself. It is heart breaking that he is surrendering to this disease to just take him down, BUT you do NOT have to let it take you down.

You have not failed.... you are not a bad person....... you are an amazing woman, wife, and mother. You hold the power to live your life the way you see fit. You have no control over anything else - but to look after yourself and your girls.

I think about the instructions being given on an airplane. The mother (parent) puts the oxygen on themselves first before the children. For years (as a child), I didn't understand that concept, but now I totally do! If we aren't okay, then our children won't be okay!

So.... put that oxygen mask on yourself and the rest will fall into place.........
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Old 07-29-2008, 12:49 PM
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thanks everyone..i am not new to this, and i feel im still not any stronger than i was the first time here.

BTW--his DOC is coke.

He has a major problem looking at himself and taking responsibility....i dont think that all addicts are like this, i think that some at some point can take responsiblity...he reuses to look at what he is doing as destroying lives.....

i feel that there is something wrong with me because i let this go on for so long. i dont do anything about it..i stay and deal with it....he will not go for help to save our marriage..he said it in black and white..i think i need to talk about boundaries, my boundaries with my therapist. we are just discovering that i really was left with no one for support and encouragement at age 14. i thought my mom was there, but she really wasnt..she would leave me alone overnight and sleep at her boyfriends house....she didnt pay attention to my school work....etc...my dad moved across the country and didnt pay a dime.....and wasnt there for any emotinal support. no wonder i feel so helpless..i have never felt strong in my life...

thanks for being there friends.
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Old 07-29-2008, 02:20 PM
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Oh Drained! Good that you're working things thru with your therapist about YOU and how you got here and what you need to work on! You are going to make it because you are doing what you need to for YOU - you aren't quacking about it.

The addicts, IMO, that finally take real responsibility and accountability for themselves are the ones on their way to real recovery. What I think of as "real recovery" anyway.

Boundaries are going to make a big difference for you it sounds like. Real boundaries that you are able to stick to.

Remember, living with an addict takes an immense amount of strength - we're just so used to thinking we need to do even more, and we can move mountains for others (especially the A's in our lives) - now it's time to move that mountain for yourself!

(((hugs))) to you!
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Old 07-29-2008, 02:36 PM
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Codeine - what you said is dead on. Drained, your not giving yourself enough credit. You ARE stronger than you think. You are in therapy already, which is a great start. Boundaries are important but uncomfortable (at first). Everyone who you exert a boundary upon will resent you for a minute or two because the boundaries will be out of character for you. It will get easier and easier and soooo liberating. I bet it will become your addiction because everyone needs boundaries. Everyone.

Living with an addict or alchoholic takes a GREAT deal of strength you just need to turn that strength around and focus it on you and your children. Your girls will not respect you for staying with daddy because of finances and I know you don't want to set that kind of example for them. You want better for them right? You don't want them hooked up with someone like their father do you? Kid's learn by example and neither of you are setting good examples right now - him because he's using and disrespecting the family and you because your rolling over and taking it.

Work with your therapist. That is so good and try to get to a meeting. For some of us, stepping away is not an overnight decision. At least for me, I have to hear it over and over again before it clicks in my head and I act on it.
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Old 07-29-2008, 05:46 PM
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Right on about having a therapist! That is so great! Drained.... you are doing so well and I'm really proud of you! Please don't beat yourself up about staying in this for so long.... you are only doing what you feel it is that you should be doing. Do you feel that leaving is the strong thing to do?

I used to battle with what was strong...... staying or leaving..... cause I wanted to be STRONG!!!!! Finally the pain of leaving actually was less than the pain of staying! So really was I strong to leave? I came to the conclusion... it's not about strength, it's about where my bottom was. I no longer had the fight left inside of me and I chose to leave. The irony is that my exah called me several months ago telling me that he now was on the codie side of things being in a relationship with an addict! He just kept apologizing for all that he put me through and how crazy it can make someone.... it IS a family disease!

When you are ready.... you are ready.... in the meantime stay centered in yourself.... what it is that you want... and move in that direction. There is absolutely nothing that he can or will say that will make you feel better about things..... likewise you to him. Action is where it lies. When you are ready to implement all of these tools... you will. I truly believe that. You are building quite the tool box and again...... I'm VERY proud of you!!!!! This is not easy... but you are doing it .... and you are STRONG! There is power in knowledge! You have helped me in the past here and I am so grateful.

Give yourself a big hug..... you deserve it!
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Old 07-29-2008, 07:23 PM
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Wow

Adundance... you are amazing. "I no longer had the fight left in me and I knew it was time to leave." That hit home for me so strongly. I remember my counselor saying, " I think you know what you want. If you were confused or thought it would work this time, you would want to fight like he** to make it work and you have no desire or willingness to fight left."

I had hit my bottom. I, like drained, beat myself up for a long time about having stayed way tooooooo long and having accepted this behavior and this lot in life rather than claiming my own life and living. BUT.... that does no good. What does good is to focus on now. To think about what I can do now. To move forward and get healthy now. To get my sanity and then some happiness back now.

Drained.... you are strong... just keep thinking about you and the girls and move forward.

Abundance, please keep posting ... your words are inspiring to me and I am sure to many, many others!!! Thanks!
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Old 07-29-2008, 07:56 PM
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I just read this in the Al Anon One Day at a Time for today and thought of you...

Today's Reminder
I can persuade myself to be quiet by realizing that angry words cannot touch me unless I allow them to. Most angry words have no basis in logic or reason anyway, so why need they hurt me? If a wrathful explosion on the alcoholic/addict's part seems aimed at me, I will understand that it may only express his own guilt. I will not allow this to be shifted to my shoulders.

I know, easier said than done! Just thought it applied to your situation to help you remember that what he says regarding his use doesn't have anything to do with you. He's just placing the blame somewhere else to justify it. Sure you know all this though! Hope things go well for you and your kids.
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Old 07-29-2008, 08:18 PM
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Oh I think you might want to consider changing your screen name to something that is more reflective of the strength you demonstrate.

Here are just a few ideas to inspire:

Stronger than Pride
Stronger Every Day
Emotionally Strong
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Old 07-31-2008, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Oh I think you might want to consider changing your screen name to something that is more reflective of the strength you demonstrate.

Here are just a few ideas to inspire:

Stronger than Pride
Stronger Every Day
Emotionally Strong

I agree!

Also, don't beat yourself up. Only you can know what is best for you, so it's just a matter of figuring it out. Boundaries are very important for that; knowing what you will accept and what you won't.

All addicts avoid responsibility and blame everything on everyone else but themselves. This goes for the alcohol/drug addicts, as well as for those of us who are addicted to them. But taking responsibility and being accountable isn't the same as taking blame. It just means accepting ourselves for who we are and what we do, and learning that we DO have power over our own lives. Once we learn you are the CAUSE and not the effect, we can start making positive changes in our lives.

It seems like you are at that point, when you need to make a decision. If you decide that you need to leave, try not to feel guilty. You're not abandoning him, and in fact you're actually helping him. I know it's counter-intuitive, but leaving him on his own is what he needs to hit bottom and realize that he can only help HIMSELF out of the hole he dug himself into. When he has no other crutches, it's the only thing he can do. And, step by step, his self-esteem and love for himself will build because of it (and yours too!).

Be proud of yourself: you're a lot stronger than you think you are. Think about it, you were left to fend for yourself at age 14: it takes a lot of strength to deal with that!

:ghug3
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