Sorry for your pain but glad that you found us. I hope that you will find the answers that you need here that will allow you to find some peace. There is no magic word or formula that you can follow to make an addict "get it". If there was such a thing someone would have thought of it by now. I've found that the only thing that ever works is for me to decide what I will and won't tolerate in my life. And I make myself accountable for enforcing the consequences (as in - if I don't want to be with someone that is drinking then I leave the relationship).
It doesn't sound like you abf is of the mind set to truly reach for sobriety right now. Under the best of circumstances it is a very long haul. The only thing that I can tell you is to discover what it is in you that keeps you involved in a relationship that inconsistantly meets your needs.
Hugs