Heartbroken again my love relapsed

Old 07-27-2008, 05:56 AM
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'caution' broken heart ahead
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Heartbroken again my love relapsed

Hi everyone, I came here looking for answers. I don't know if I will get feedback from a recovering addict here but felt I needed to post this in this forum. I hope I did right.

I too am struggling with an alcoholic and drug addict, he is my b\f . How charming and loving he is and he swept me off his feet at first. We have been on and off in our 3 yr. relationship. Because of his addictions we can't seem to keep our relationship on track. His family and I had an intervention with him and he agreed to rehab and was there for 2 months. He relapsed 2 months ago. He has been in rehab before several years ago too. He just can't seem to stay clean. Right now I don't know where this relationship is going. He blames me for throwing him out again and not understanding. I guess I just can't handle this anymore.

I feel used, hurt, betrayed and manipulated. This is not a healthy relationship and I think its time for me to move on and find someone who WANTS to devote thier energies to a relationship instead of an addiction.

My addict was a functional drinker (after work) he's a good worker who goes above and beyond but then right after work he hits the bottle. His passion is to drink\drive and listen to music or go to a bar. He binges on cocaine several times a year almost losing his life. He has been doing coke for many many years. He is in his 40's now. He said cocaine gives the most ultimate feeling and its too bad its so dangerous. He knows he really needs to quit. The problem I see with him though is that he seems to seperate his two addictions and really doesnt want to make a connect between the two. He boasts about how long its been not doing coke and thinks he conquering it but thinks its ok to drink. Doesn't seem to think his drink is a problem too.

I would like to hear from some recovering addicts and help me understand how addicts can convince someone they love them only to use them. Also, does cocaine or (DOC) bingers think about thier drug everday, I mean is it a daily thought and struggle? Deep down don't they understand the reason we react the way we do? I'd like someone to share thier experiences as to what its like being an addict and trying to recover.

My heart goes out to all of you who struggle trying to recover and the families that are coping.

Thank you for any input and for listening and God Bless!
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:34 AM
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Read the post " From An Addicts Point of View "
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:34 AM
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I hope you are able to realize that he is not, and since he is in his 40's, probably never will be marriage material. Between the alcohol and cocaine and whatever else you don't know about he has alot of work ahead of him. Since he is still using, the work has not yet begun and it could be years before it has.

If a happy marriage is your goal, I would remain a supportive friend of this guy but keep my eyes open for someone more suitable.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:42 AM
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:55 AM
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I'm a recovering addict, and the fact that he says "too bad it's dangerous" tells me he really doesn't want to give up the cocaine yet. Crack was my DOC (drug of choice) and when I tell someone about it now, I say "yeah, the high was great, but it wasn't worth what I did to my life". I don't say "too bad it's illegal (or dangerous). To me it is the most evil thing that has ever happened to my life.

I hope you stick around, and read some posts of others who have spent YEARS dealing with addicts. It's a very hard life, and if the addict continues using, it just gets worse and worse.

It also doesn't seem like he appreciates the fact that his drinking is leading back to cocaine. He seems to be still wanting something to "numb" him. As long as he's doing either (drinking or cocaine) he is avoiding life. Personally, I won't ever be in a relationship with anyone again, who is avoiding life. I left my XABF behind...he's getting close to 50, and has been doing crack since his 20's.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-27-2008, 08:40 AM
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Sorry for your pain but glad that you found us. I hope that you will find the answers that you need here that will allow you to find some peace. There is no magic word or formula that you can follow to make an addict "get it". If there was such a thing someone would have thought of it by now. I've found that the only thing that ever works is for me to decide what I will and won't tolerate in my life. And I make myself accountable for enforcing the consequences (as in - if I don't want to be with someone that is drinking then I leave the relationship).

It doesn't sound like you abf is of the mind set to truly reach for sobriety right now. Under the best of circumstances it is a very long haul. The only thing that I can tell you is to discover what it is in you that keeps you involved in a relationship that inconsistantly meets your needs.

Hugs
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Old 07-29-2008, 03:48 PM
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'caution' broken heart ahead
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Many thanks to you all for your support and kind words. I know now that he isn't marriage material. I kept thinking in the future of how it may be and it wasn't looking pretty. So I think I am giving up on that idea. My heart still goes out to him because I know it's not easy and its a very hard and long road.

I agree with you Impurrfect. I think he is avoiding life and the feeling of being "numb" is much better. I wish he would really see what life could be like down the road once he's recovered.


Many thanks again I will be back, going to go cry now. :- (
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Old 07-29-2008, 04:01 PM
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Don't cry, it just is what it is.

I've been on both sides of addiction. An addict, and also someone who loves an active addict.

One thing that I've learnt, (am learning), especially from this site - is there's nothing you can do, for anyone else, except yourself.

Set some new rules, boundaries, with your love. If it's meant to be, it will be. Example - don't come near me high, or drunk. If he wants what you want, he will seek recovery. If not, all you can do is wait, and wonder if that's what you want to do.

Good luck, everything above, is what you need to hear, the people here are all so wise, and supportive - and they've really been there. They're not just giving advice, deduced from tv, and the media, they've all had someone rip out their hearts, and parade around like it's all about them.

Take care
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