You mention he went to "an AA meeting." Since he stopped drinking, has he attended any sort of recovery program on a regular basis?
Yes, relationships are HARD work, but they are not PAINFULLY EXCRUTIATING work fraught with all of this drama. A couple brings issues and baggage to a relationship. They confront one another in a loving manner. They work on their own issues. They work on their couple issues. They seek counseling if necessary.
I have been married to TWO alcoholics ("A's"). I can tell you from many, many years of experience that if you think it is bad now, wait until you get married.
You are asking what is "normal" for a relationship. I can tell you that "normal" is a subjective term; what may be "normal" for one couple will not be for another. HOWEVER .... what you are experiencing is the gut-wrenching manipulation and he$$ a dry drunk or active drunk will drag you through.
Okay. I know all about him. So how about you?
Why are you staying with this man?
Do you REALLY and truly believe deep down inside that someone who has put you through an emotional meat-grinder is a person you "love"? Pity perhaps. Feel compassion for, yeah. But love ... what you are describing to me is not love.
And believe me, I know. I have been married to TWO of them.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to come down hard on you. But I want you to know what is going on. You are codependent. He is an addict. You are both addicted to the drama of the break-up-make-up cycle. After this many years, it is becoming a self-perpetuating way of life.
And it is unhealthy and destructive and hurtful.
No, this is not love as it stands now.