I don't even know how to begin....

Old 07-25-2008, 06:49 PM
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I don't even know how to begin....

I am desperately seeking advice. I have been reading a lot of the postings on this site and decided that this is a caring and safe environment where I might be able to seek help.
I hope that I can be coherent and not ramble on... Ok, here goes.
I met my boyfriend on line with e-harmony. We have been together for 3 and a half years now. Before I even met him in person he told me that he is an alcoholic and had been sober for 4 years. He asked me if this was a "deal breaker" for me and I said that I didn't think so...

What I need to know is what is normal. I swear, I don't know anymore! Before I met my boyfriend I was married for 16 years to a man who decided that he is actually a bi-sexual and wants to be with men now... yeah, I know. Crazy stuff! I never knew that my ex-husband was leading a secret life. I know that we fought like crazy and that there was a lot of unhappiness and drama in my life. From this crazy, unhappy marriage I went to my current boyfriend who is making me wonder what the hell I am doing!
Do I even know what a healthy relationship consists of? I find myself rationalizing his behaviors, saying that everyone demonstrates these things to some extent or the other... don't they? I am so confused.

I will try to explain what I am experiencing with him.
He is a very loving man.... however, I am concerned about some behaviors,
such as, jealousy, mood swings, selfishness, lack of energy, insecurity, controlling, and belittling talk and name calling during arguments.
Anyway, I could go on and on and talk about the many times that I have tried to break up with him because I felt the relationship wasn't healthy. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him so that I don't irritate him.
I sometimes come out of my "stupor" and am able to see what i think are red flags waving in my face. I then start to focus on the negative, and go into a downward spiral emotionally and then I try to break up with him. I say "try" because our breakups are so DRAMATIC. He always gets really defensive, yells a lot, tells me all about my faults, makes fun of what i say, then eventually breaks down and starts to cry like I am killing him and bares his soul and begs me to not break up with him. He is quite the talker and says all the right things. So far, he has convinced me each time to stay together. The truth is I do love him. I just am so very worried that this relationship isn't going to work or that it simply will take too much work. I want peace and happiness, not all the drama. Are relationships supposed to be this hard?

So, that is the background so you understand more about me and my relationship with my recovering alcoholic boyfriend.

Here is the thing...
After 8 years of sobriety, out of the blue, on a perfectly wonderful evening (no conflict between us) he took two of my vicodin pills ( a narcotic!) that I had just picked up from the pharmacy. The vicodin is for me. I hadn't had the pills in the house for more then two or three hours and he had taken two. I discovered it in the morning because he had left the lid askew. I found that odd so I counted them and there was two missing! I called him and asked him if he was feeling ill because I discovered that two pills were missing. He said no, he was fine and that he would never take my medicine without asking...etc. He continued to make up stories like maybe the pharmacist made a mistake etc... Later I told him that I was very concerned because I called the pharmacist and they confirmed that the pills had been counted twice. He finally did confess that he had taken them. He of course started to cry and expressed how sorry he was and how scared he was for making this mistake.
I think that this last incident has tilted the scales too far now. I was worried before, but now he actually "fell off the wagon" too.
He has already gone to a AA meeting and has made an appointment to meet with his therapist and he has spoken with his pastor twice at length. He is once again calling me and asking me to please stick by him while he deals with this.

I am sorry that this is a long ramble... my head is spinning and I have a hard time expressing so much in a short message. I would appreciate any and all advice from people in the know such as yourselves.

I read somewhere on this site something that struck a chord with me; "Where is the line between the reality of his alcoholism and all that has meant and your dreams/hopes/ fantasy of what could be?

Does anyone have any perspective for me??? Please???
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Old 07-25-2008, 07:17 PM
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You mention he went to "an AA meeting." Since he stopped drinking, has he attended any sort of recovery program on a regular basis?

Yes, relationships are HARD work, but they are not PAINFULLY EXCRUTIATING work fraught with all of this drama. A couple brings issues and baggage to a relationship. They confront one another in a loving manner. They work on their own issues. They work on their couple issues. They seek counseling if necessary.

I have been married to TWO alcoholics ("A's"). I can tell you from many, many years of experience that if you think it is bad now, wait until you get married.

You are asking what is "normal" for a relationship. I can tell you that "normal" is a subjective term; what may be "normal" for one couple will not be for another. HOWEVER .... what you are experiencing is the gut-wrenching manipulation and he$$ a dry drunk or active drunk will drag you through.

Okay. I know all about him. So how about you?

Why are you staying with this man?

Do you REALLY and truly believe deep down inside that someone who has put you through an emotional meat-grinder is a person you "love"? Pity perhaps. Feel compassion for, yeah. But love ... what you are describing to me is not love.

And believe me, I know. I have been married to TWO of them.

Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to come down hard on you. But I want you to know what is going on. You are codependent. He is an addict. You are both addicted to the drama of the break-up-make-up cycle. After this many years, it is becoming a self-perpetuating way of life.

And it is unhealthy and destructive and hurtful.

No, this is not love as it stands now.
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Old 07-25-2008, 07:45 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this, rosalinda.

But I tend to agree with prodigal........a man who lies, who is verbally abusive, controlling, jealous, yelling, manipulative, and did I mention controlling? He may exhibit some loving behaviors from time to time, but from what you've said, I would guess he's very much like my "very loving" ex-boyfriend, whose loving actions were all very carefully calculated to keep me with him. Perhaps you, like I, mistake desperation for love.

It doesn't sound like this relationship is about YOU at all. It sounds like it's all about him. I have been there too....the begging whenever it looked like he wasn't going to get his way any more (i.e. have me any more), the emotional manipulation.

Is this what you want out of a loving relationship? Not what he COULD be, and what he SOMETIMES is, but the kind of man that he is showing himself to be?

We can't know, from here, but if I just look at your words, I'd agree with your own statement that this truly is an unhealthy relationship for you.

"Normal" relationships are all different, but for me the deal-breakers are trust, trust and more trust. Trust he won't tear me down for his own purposes. Trust he'll respect my wishes and hear my concerns. Trust that he'll tell me the truth.

Do you have trust?

He expects you to "stand by him." Who's been standing by you, all this time? Not him.
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Old 07-25-2008, 09:03 PM
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Hi and Welcome!

Just because you met him on e-harmony doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. I met my ex on e-harmony. After 3 years together he confessed he was an alcoholic. I was shocked. I think to me e-harmony = healthy...not so.

No, relationships are not supposed to be this hard. I learned the hard way. You sound like you are getting to the point of hitting your bottom with him.

With my ex, the fights were excruciating. I can't totally blame him...I stayed, however, many of the things you are talking about are the same things we have all been through.

Think about what you want in all of this. It's hard, I know. I consumed myself with his needs and wants so much so that I forgot I existed. That is no way to live. We all deserve better.
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Old 07-25-2008, 09:23 PM
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Great things have already been said. The relationship sounds insane to me. Name calling, belitteling childish alcoholic behavior. My active alcoholic now ex kicked me out during a drunk. I had been sober over a year at the time. He did the same thing, belitteling me, telling me I was difficult and couldnt get along with anybody, bla, bla,, bla. It was the best thing he did for me. I whined about it along time but I am over it now. Like I said it sounds insane. I hear that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How many drama episodes are you willing to go through? A dry drunk is as bad as an active drunk. Please get yourself in a healthy place. This is a great place to be open and let it out. I have read some great advice on this posting. I hope you continue to post.
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Old 07-25-2008, 10:26 PM
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You have received some good input already. You have described behaviors that are red flags that seem very unhealthy and destructive. As mentioned before, these type of problems usually get worse with time ... and can be a window into his real personality that he may have been covering up in the early stages of your relationship. If you desire peace and serenity, this relationship will most likely keep you from acheiving it ... and instead keep you constant chaos and misery in a roller coaster of emotions and never ending confusion. When my AH began experiencing the negative effects of alcoholism, we had already been married for many years and had started a business, owned property and had children together... that greatly complicated my ability to separate from the misery associated with addiction.

Something else you may want to consider. When my husband was truly sober, I did not notice the mood swings and anger that were so prevalent when he was drinking - that was the most noticable hallmark change I noticed - consistent, rational behavior that only appeared after he had been truly sober for about one year. My AH was a master at hiding his drinking and went to enormous lengths to keep it hidden from me ... so I was often puzzled when his mood and behavior would become hostile and irrational ... while all the time he would swear that he wasn't drinking. I was actually relieved when I finally found out the truth after years of mind games...he had been drinking and carefully hiding it for years. The degree your SO went to deceive you about the pills opens up the very real possibility that he has been abusing alcohol or pills prior to this, but he just hadn't got caught until now. That may explain his confusing mood changes and hostile behavior ... he could be feeling the effects of addiction from either withdrawal or cravings.

Please keep coming back .... hopefully you will gain some insight to help you achieve the happy and peaceful future you desire.
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Old 07-25-2008, 11:37 PM
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If you are not happy and do not want to spend the rest of your life with him, move on.
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Old 07-26-2008, 04:00 AM
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Hunny he is only doing what addicts do.......if you marry him you only get more of the same until HE changes the choices that he is making. I am so sorry that you are in pain. Just pull up a chair and stick around here you will learn alot here. Click on the stickies at the top of this forum as there is a ton of helpful info in there and also you can click on any of our names to learn our histories and read our stories so you can see how progress works.....stand strong hun.

I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years and he eventually left the kids and I for a female alcoholic/meth addict so believe me when I say that we do feel your pain and understand you. We have a few sayings around here and here are a few of those:

You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it.

Nuthin changes if nuthin changes.

Take what you want from this site and leave the rest.


Take care sweetie.
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Old 07-26-2008, 09:58 AM
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wow! I can so relate to your thread! they sound like twins. thats exactly how it all started with me. the belittling, name calling, jealousy, etc. every bit of it. now, my SO has become abusive. this is NOT normal. its takent me almost 5 yrs to see it for what it is. Please be careful. the crying he does is because he's afraid of you leaving then who will he have to abuse, not crying for what he has done to you. Please be careful. I care. :ghug3
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Old 07-26-2008, 02:34 PM
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He is once again calling me and asking me to please stick by him while he deals with this.

Addicts do that so well. It's part of "hooking" you back into their drama. Isn't it ironic that they don't need you while they are drinking/drugging but as soon as there is a problem (financial, legal, possible sobriety) the co-dep enabler is the one they turn to first?

I hope, Rosalinda, that because your BF is "calling you" that means you and he are not living together. And that could mean that it will be easier for you to break free.

"Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie and her second volume "Beyond Co-dependency" are two books which helped me understand why the relationship with XABF was far from "normal". As another poster here pointed out, nobody can define what "normal" is in a relationship because each relationship is unique to the couple. That said, we can usually recognize what is NOT NORMAL in a relationship when we start to examine our feelings....you know....when your partner implies that you are crazy for thinking the way you do, when everything you say gets turned around, when your partner lies and you excuse him/her for the umpteenth time, when you feel like you are walking on eggshells through life.

XABF and I were long distance. Breaking off was not easy but I did it (with the help of Melody Beattie and this forum!) because I finally realized that being on my own with myself held me 100% accountable for the misery I was feeling in my life. Another funny thing....once XABF and I broke off for good (NO CONTACT!!), most of the misery disappeared!

Your story about your BF helping himself to your Vicodin reminded me of similar incidents with XABF. That's a potent narcotic drug which you don't take when you are feeling ill unless it has been prescribed for you.
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Old 07-26-2008, 06:43 PM
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Are relationships supposed to be this hard?
NO.
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Old 07-27-2008, 06:45 PM
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I want to thank you all so much for your help! I feel so fortunate to have found this web site. I haven't had anyone to talk with about any of my problems, so it's a blessing to have found all of you caring people with first hand experience in this.

It appears to me that the overall recommendation is that I break off the relationship.
Any words of advice to help me with this? I know that I need to stick to my guns and not back down. This is so hard when he is pleading with me and promising to do all the right things. Any advice? I am so scared to deal with the emotion that will most certainly insue...

THANK YOU!!!!
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Rosalinda View Post
IAny words of advice to help me with this? I know that I need to stick to my guns and not back down. This is so hard when he is pleading with me and promising to do all the right things. Any advice? I am so scared to deal with the emotion that will most certainly insue...
You are not scared to deal with the emotion ... after all, that's pretty much ALL you've been dealing with for a long time. You are afraid of his rage. And I know from experience, that one of the final trump cards an addict will play from his hand is RAGE.

You may get rage with a mixture of begging, tears, promises to change, etc. But underneath it all, his bottom line is to keep you stuck.

You can meet him in a public place. How much drama can he project in public??? Then you can block his emails and phone calls. They will happen. I promise.

Please, please, please do NOT buy into the "Stand By Your Man" junk he is feeding you. He owns the addiction; he owns the recovery. You owe it to yourself to be in a safe place with people who REALLY care about who you are and value you for YOU.

I'm not saying he won't find recovery. I'm not saying you won't reconcile. But you need to get out of this mess and start your own recovery. You owe that much to yourself. You are worth it.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:45 PM
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Any words of advice to help me with this?

XABF and I were long distance so meeting in person in a public place was not an option. I sent an email in which I told him that I could no longer be involved with him until such a time as he had been working a recovery programme for at least a year. I apologized for the mode of communication and I said I would treasure what we had had but that it was no longer working for me as things stood. I did not elaborate.

And then.....I stuck to my no contact boundary.

We're here to help you.

ARL
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