Rosalinda

I am desperately seeking advice. I have been reading a lot of the postings on this site and decided that this is a caring and safe environment where I might be able to seek help.
I hope that I can be coherent and not ramble on... Ok, here goes.
I met my boyfriend on line with e-harmony. We have been together for 3 and a half years now. Before I even met him in person he told me that he is an alcoholic and had been sober for 4 years. He asked me if this was a "deal breaker" for me and I said that I didn't think so...

What I need to know is what is normal. I swear, I don't know anymore! Before I met my boyfriend I was married for 16 years to a man who decided that he is actually a bi-sexual and wants to be with men now... yeah, I know. Crazy stuff! I never knew that my ex-husband was leading a secret life. I know that we fought like crazy and that there was a lot of unhappiness and drama in my life. From this crazy, unhappy marriage I went to my current boyfriend who is making me wonder what the hell I am doing!
Do I even know what a healthy relationship consists of? I find myself rationalizing his behaviors, saying that everyone demonstrates these things to some extent or the other... don't they? I am so confused.

I will try to explain what I am experiencing with him.
He is a very loving man.... however, I am concerned about some behaviors,
such as, jealousy, mood swings, selfishness, lack of energy, insecurity, controlling, and belittling talk and name calling during arguments.
Anyway, I could go on and on and talk about the many times that I have tried to break up with him because I felt the relationship wasn't healthy. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him so that I don't irritate him.
I sometimes come out of my "stupor" and am able to see what i think are red flags waving in my face. I then start to focus on the negative, and go into a downward spiral emotionally and then I try to break up with him. I say "try" because our breakups are so DRAMATIC. He always gets really defensive, yells a lot, tells me all about my faults, makes fun of what i say, then eventually breaks down and starts to cry like I am killing him and bares his soul and begs me to not break up with him. He is quite the talker and says all the right things. So far, he has convinced me each time to stay together. The truth is I do love him. I just am so very worried that this relationship isn't going to work or that it simply will take too much work. I want peace and happiness, not all the drama. Are relationships supposed to be this hard?

So, that is the background so you understand more about me and my relationship with my recovering alcoholic boyfriend.

Here is the thing...
After 8 years of sobriety, out of the blue, on a perfectly wonderful evening (no conflict between us) he took two of my vicodin pills ( a narcotic!) that I had just picked up from the pharmacy. The vicodin is for me. I hadn't had the pills in the house for more then two or three hours and he had taken two. I discovered it in the morning because he had left the lid askew. I found that odd so I counted them and there was two missing! I called him and asked him if he was feeling ill because I discovered that two pills were missing. He said no, he was fine and that he would never take my medicine without asking...etc. He continued to make up stories like maybe the pharmacist made a mistake etc... Later I told him that I was very concerned because I called the pharmacist and they confirmed that the pills had been counted twice. He finally did confess that he had taken them. He of course started to cry and expressed how sorry he was and how scared he was for making this mistake.
I think that this last incident has tilted the scales too far now. I was worried before, but now he actually "fell off the wagon" too.
He has already gone to a AA meeting and has made an appointment to meet with his therapist and he has spoken with his pastor twice at length. He is once again calling me and asking me to please stick by him while he deals with this.

I am sorry that this is a long ramble... my head is spinning and I have a hard time expressing so much in a short message. I would appreciate any and all advice from people in the know such as yourselves.

I read somewhere on this site something that struck a chord with me; "Where is the line between the reality of his alcoholism and all that has meant and your dreams/hopes/ fantasy of what could be?

Does anyone have any perspective for me??? Please???