I understand that feeling! I have been aware for a few months that I want my exabf to apologise to me. I mean for heavens sake, all the things that happened between us, the horrid things he said, the way he treated me! I have even gone as far as apologising to him for my controlling and abusive nature that I adopted while we were together, he accepted my apology, but gave nothing in return! I felt like saying 'And...? were is your apology?'
To me now, I realise that for more important than having that statement made by him, is the need for me to forgive myself. When I think about what I want the apology for, it is more to validate my feelings of hurt and frustration and pain, much more than wanting the words to help with any healing process.
If he apologised I would be inwardly telling myself, yeah and so you should say you are sorry, I put up with this that and the other, you did this that and the other to me, blah blah. In other words I would be continuing the cycle of victimhood. Always thinking that my pain came from the actions of others, and not accepting that I allowed my pain to happen, I provided him with the opportunity to hurt me, because of my low self worth, my wounded self and the fact that I felt that love without a struggle wasn't love. That I was a fantastic girlfriend for staying with him through thick and thin.
So now as I say, I am moving toward thoughts of forgiveness toward myself, and less needing to hear the words from him. I need to communicate with myself that I let myself down, I abandoned myself to abuse, and truely know deep down that it is alright - that I am better now, that now I am looking after myself, that I have learnt and that I will not abandon my self again.
I don't need his words for that.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx