Realized something today...

Old 07-20-2008, 04:43 PM
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Realized something today...

My STBXAH came over to see the kids this morning. While he's here, I find myself still not understanding how he can walk away so easily...like it means nothing to him. So after the boys go down for their nap and he's getting ready to leave, I ask him. He says to me that he doesn't know what I want him to say. I say I don't know either...that I'm just surprised that he isn't asking to come back, isn't upset, etc.

And as we were talking, it occurred to me that I NEED him to say he's sorry. I NEED him to try to come crawling back. It's not because I want him back (because I don't), but I HATE feeling like the one that was dumped. It should feel like I dumped him, but for whatever reason I don't feel that way. In my mind, I think this is one of the ways that I'm still validating my worth through him. I mean, if he doesn't want me, who will?

Guess it kind of hit me hard today that I know I have so far to go. And, we have our temporary hearing tomorrow (Monday) at 4:15pm to get our divorce proceedings started. I'm sad that my life is turning out this way. I know I need to move on, and it will get better. Just sucks to feel like you're starting ALL OVER again.
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:44 PM
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I really feel what your feeling. I think the scariest thing about how my life right now is the future. It cross's my mind everyday. I wish I had a crystal ball to see ahead...ya know we should really be happy about our new beginnings. Would we really want to go back and live like we were????? And his attitude probably isn't really what you see. It's what he wants you to see. My bet he is not feeling the greatest and he loves to see you crumble so...don't. I am a great believer in time being a healer so just hang tuff and dream about your new life and I will dream about mine ok? Hugs to you and stength to get thru the court thing.
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:55 PM
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Man, I can relate to that

Originally Posted by i4getsm View Post
.... it occurred to me that I NEED him to say he's sorry. I NEED him to try to come crawling back. It's not because I want him back (because I don't), but I HATE feeling like the one that was dumped. It should feel like I dumped him, but for whatever reason I don't feel that way. In my mind, I think this is one of the ways that I'm still validating my worth through him. I mean, if he doesn't want me, who will?
My last relationship ended nearly a year ago now and one of the last times I saw him I noticed after we'd broken up, he'd not given one thought to what I was doing or how I was.

I also noticed how he talked about how good it was that 'we' could have a conversation. Even now that irks me a bit cause the only reason we 'had' a conversation is that I sought him out. I went out of my way to see him. If I hadn't sought him out, there would've been no conversation.

I suspect it is going to take me a very long time to recover from seeking men to make myself feel better and/or worth while.

For what it's worth, I found it REALLY hard to let go of that relationship and spent most of Jan this year quoting the wart hog from the Lion King - You gotta put the past behind you....

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Old 07-20-2008, 06:06 PM
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Originally Posted by i4getsm View Post
I NEED him to say he's sorry. I NEED him to try to come crawling back. It's not because I want him back (because I don't), but I HATE feeling like the one that was dumped. It should feel like I dumped him, but for whatever reason I don't feel that way. In my mind, I think this is one of the ways that I'm still validating my worth through him. I mean, if he doesn't want me, who will?
That's probably a pretty important realization for you. One that can lead you to a deeper understanding of yourself which in turn can lead you to a better you and better life. {hugs}

Sure, it would be nice to hear my xAH acknowledge all the hurt he has done to me, to his daughters, to himself. Maybe some day xAH will get into recovery and maybe as part of his 4th step he will get there. But that is his journey to make. For me, I have forgiven him for all those hurts. That is what I needed to do for me.
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:50 PM
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Thanks all. It's just sad to feel so low that I want/need that validation from HIM. It's sickening really. I've been feeling really good and calm about the decision to leave him, but these underlying feelings...man, they hit me like a punch to the stomach. There are so many days when I look at him and can’t believe I ever married him. Then today I feel like I need his need for me to make me feel good. Reminds me that I’m still wearing that codie hat loud and proud. Ughhh…
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Old 07-20-2008, 08:03 PM
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I totally get what you're feeling.

With stbxah and I being so on again, off again for the past almost year, I really can see how if I was the one who told him it was over, or to leave, ect....it wasnt nearly as bad for me emotionally.
As long as it was me doing the leaving, it was much easier.

I know for me it stems from my abandoment and rejections issues. And
maybe a control thing?
But I also think its pretty much a normal thing in a breakup - the person ending it has a bit of an easier time.
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Old 07-21-2008, 03:11 AM
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I understand that feeling! I have been aware for a few months that I want my exabf to apologise to me. I mean for heavens sake, all the things that happened between us, the horrid things he said, the way he treated me! I have even gone as far as apologising to him for my controlling and abusive nature that I adopted while we were together, he accepted my apology, but gave nothing in return! I felt like saying 'And...? were is your apology?'

To me now, I realise that for more important than having that statement made by him, is the need for me to forgive myself. When I think about what I want the apology for, it is more to validate my feelings of hurt and frustration and pain, much more than wanting the words to help with any healing process.

If he apologised I would be inwardly telling myself, yeah and so you should say you are sorry, I put up with this that and the other, you did this that and the other to me, blah blah. In other words I would be continuing the cycle of victimhood. Always thinking that my pain came from the actions of others, and not accepting that I allowed my pain to happen, I provided him with the opportunity to hurt me, because of my low self worth, my wounded self and the fact that I felt that love without a struggle wasn't love. That I was a fantastic girlfriend for staying with him through thick and thin.

So now as I say, I am moving toward thoughts of forgiveness toward myself, and less needing to hear the words from him. I need to communicate with myself that I let myself down, I abandoned myself to abuse, and truely know deep down that it is alright - that I am better now, that now I am looking after myself, that I have learnt and that I will not abandon my self again.

I don't need his words for that.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 07-21-2008, 06:46 AM
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Lily: That is exactly how I'm feeling. I know it's the victim in me, and I know if he did apologize that I would put that big martyr hat on and go off about all the things he did wrong. I do need to forgive myself. I'm not there yet. Having a bad couple of days, but hopefully I can get back on track. It's really opened my eyes to how codie I really am. I never even knew that word existed until a few months ago. It still surprises me at how much I can relate to it and to everyone's experiences here. I never thought something like this could happen to me. Kind of hard to realize the reality of my life is much different than what I envisioned it to be.

Thanks to all for reaching out to me. I needed it (still do).
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Old 07-21-2008, 07:05 AM
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As odd as it may sound I4getsm,I recommend that you let yourself feel those things, allow your heart to fill with that emotion and then hold yourself, tell yourself out loud that you will be alright becuase you are looking after you now.

That sounds really silly, and if my family saw me doing it, I think they'd be calling the doctors! - but I've gotta be honest with you, I did just that and my my, it feels really good to love yourself, to reassure yourself.

I always wanted someone in my life who would always be there for me, reassure me and tell me that they loved me always and would never let me down. When I went through this practice, I had that person and it was me! I really needed to hear those words, I really needed to feel that someone was with me all the way. It felt very empowering to know that I could do those things for me.

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Old 07-21-2008, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Lilyflower View Post
So now as I say, I am moving toward thoughts of forgiveness toward myself, and less needing to hear the words from him. I need to communicate with myself that I let myself down, I abandoned myself to abuse, and truely know deep down that it is alright - that I am better now, that now I am looking after myself, that I have learnt and that I will not abandon my self again.

I don't need his words for that.
Thank you so much for this pearl of wisdom!
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Old 07-21-2008, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Lilyflower View Post
yourself.

I always wanted someone in my life who would always be there for me, reassure me and tell me that they loved me always and would never let me down. When I went through this practice, I had that person and it was me! I really needed to hear those words, I really needed to feel that someone was with me all the way. It felt very empowering to know that I could do those things for me.

Exactly like the Wizard of OZ. Remember at the end of the movie the wizard accidently flies away in the balloon and Dorothy can't get back to Kansas. That is until the good witch reminds her she had the power all along. Dorothy asked her why she wasn't told of this power and the good witch replied, "Because you would not have believed me."
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Old 07-21-2008, 08:52 AM
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(((i4getsm))) I know how you feel. This is a great thread. You've gotten some good advice. I hadn't ever really thought about why I needed the same sort of thing from STBXAH- the apology, acknowledging my hurt, some remorse, a show of sadness or wanting to come back. Mine did none of that. He walked away- as yours seems to have- so easily. After 18 years I guess I would have thought he'd cry, beg, try to do something to make things work- instead I got nothing. It's been really hard for me to wrap my brain around. On the one hand, I do believe something would have been normal/healthy- but then he isn't healthy. On the other hand, I now wonder why I need his validation? Over and over for years I also subjected myself to shoddy behavior and abuse. Why would I expect anything better from him? Why do I need it when I know I won't get it, and what I really need now is to continue to take care of myself? I loved Lily's comment- I don't need his words for that. Somehow I need to drill into my head that I am worth a healthy relationship- with myself first. Looking for anything substantial from STBXAH is fruitless. But- believe me- I know how hard it is. Take care. . .
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Old 07-21-2008, 09:06 AM
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You are all helping me so much. I've still been crying most of the day today. Our court hearing got moved up to 3:15pm. I'm glad to get it over soon rather than later. Oddly enough, God has sent me many signs today that He is with me. Even in my sadness, I feel comforted by Him and by all of you. I really do appreciate it. Thanks for helping me weather this pity party day.
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