My STBXAH came over to see the kids this morning. While he's here, I find myself still not understanding how he can walk away so easily...like it means nothing to him. So after the boys go down for their nap and he's getting ready to leave, I ask him. He says to me that he doesn't know what I want him to say. I say I don't know either...that I'm just surprised that he isn't asking to come back, isn't upset, etc.
And as we were talking, it occurred to me that I NEED him to say he's sorry. I NEED him to try to come crawling back. It's not because I want him back (because I don't), but I HATE feeling like the one that was dumped. It should feel like I dumped him, but for whatever reason I don't feel that way. In my mind, I think this is one of the ways that I'm still validating my worth through him. I mean, if he doesn't want me, who will?
Guess it kind of hit me hard today that I know I have so far to go. And, we have our temporary hearing tomorrow (Monday) at 4:15pm to get our divorce proceedings started. I'm sad that my life is turning out this way. I know I need to move on, and it will get better. Just sucks to feel like you're starting ALL OVER again.
