she's a mess
Finally heard from my AD after over 2 months of no call, a few days ago. She was crying and all apologies for 'missing' mother's day and not calling me since. OK, fine. I told her she hurt me by her actions and I told her I attribute them to the total self-centeredness of her disease of addiction. nuff said. She seemed OK otherwise.
Then tonight, she calls, crying again. Says she is feeling sick again (diarrhea, nausea, fatigue, cough is back). Turns out she missed 2 appointments at the HIV clinic, and because of this was unable to renew her meds when the prescriptions ran out. She hasn't had any HIV meds for over a month. She did finally manage to get the lab work done 2 weeks ago, but asked me if I could take her to her appt. there on this thursday to get the lab results and a prescription for new meds. "Mommy, I really mean to go, and I start to go, but I never wind up getting there."
Actually, I do remember many a day in my own active addiction when I had every intention of taking care of something important and set out to do that, only to 'wind up' somewhere else, getting high instead.
So the consequences here are that she has blown thru another HIV 'cocktail' (a cocktail is a combination of 3 HIV meds that work together). Once you miss even a couple of doses of your cocktail, the HIV virus starts to mutate so that those meds will not work ever again. when we go on thursday (Yes, of course I agreed to drop everything and drive 40 miles each way to take her to the clinic!), they will have to start her on cocktail #3. A friend of mine who works at a clinic in PA is going to find out for me how many cocktails there are. Because once you mess up with one set, you can never use those meds again.
Yes, I do realize that taking her to the HIV clinic, because she is incapable of keeping these appointments as an active addict, is a form of enabling, but if she's dead of AIDS, she's not going to get clean anyway. My (NA) sponsor supports the idea of me taking her as long as I keep it simple and keep the focus on the task at hand (get her to the appointment) and not on trying to get her clean or getting her to change.
Besides, I did not like the last cocktail she was on because the meds made her very volatile, agressive, and verbally abusive as an emotional side effect. Now all that behavior is gone now that the meds are also gone. I am telling myself this was all meant to be this way and she will be put on better meds without these kinds of side effects. Still, it was NICE to be about just taking care of ME these past 2 months. Yup, I'm all sucked back in to my AD again.