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she's a mess

Old 07-20-2008, 12:21 AM
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she's a mess

Finally heard from my AD after over 2 months of no call, a few days ago. She was crying and all apologies for 'missing' mother's day and not calling me since. OK, fine. I told her she hurt me by her actions and I told her I attribute them to the total self-centeredness of her disease of addiction. nuff said. She seemed OK otherwise.

Then tonight, she calls, crying again. Says she is feeling sick again (diarrhea, nausea, fatigue, cough is back). Turns out she missed 2 appointments at the HIV clinic, and because of this was unable to renew her meds when the prescriptions ran out. She hasn't had any HIV meds for over a month. She did finally manage to get the lab work done 2 weeks ago, but asked me if I could take her to her appt. there on this thursday to get the lab results and a prescription for new meds. "Mommy, I really mean to go, and I start to go, but I never wind up getting there."

Actually, I do remember many a day in my own active addiction when I had every intention of taking care of something important and set out to do that, only to 'wind up' somewhere else, getting high instead.

So the consequences here are that she has blown thru another HIV 'cocktail' (a cocktail is a combination of 3 HIV meds that work together). Once you miss even a couple of doses of your cocktail, the HIV virus starts to mutate so that those meds will not work ever again. when we go on thursday (Yes, of course I agreed to drop everything and drive 40 miles each way to take her to the clinic!), they will have to start her on cocktail #3. A friend of mine who works at a clinic in PA is going to find out for me how many cocktails there are. Because once you mess up with one set, you can never use those meds again.

Yes, I do realize that taking her to the HIV clinic, because she is incapable of keeping these appointments as an active addict, is a form of enabling, but if she's dead of AIDS, she's not going to get clean anyway. My (NA) sponsor supports the idea of me taking her as long as I keep it simple and keep the focus on the task at hand (get her to the appointment) and not on trying to get her clean or getting her to change.

Besides, I did not like the last cocktail she was on because the meds made her very volatile, agressive, and verbally abusive as an emotional side effect. Now all that behavior is gone now that the meds are also gone. I am telling myself this was all meant to be this way and she will be put on better meds without these kinds of side effects. Still, it was NICE to be about just taking care of ME these past 2 months. Yup, I'm all sucked back in to my AD again.
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Old 07-20-2008, 04:33 AM
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(((Sleepy)))

I don't know about you being sucked back in. I still think you've come a long way. I, too, remember not doing important things when I was active.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would do the same thing. I don't think there's a right or wrong in this situation. You're doing what feels right to YOU, and that's what matters. Don't be too hard on yourself. You've come a long way, and taking her to the doctor doesn't mean you have to be dragged back into the whole thing.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-20-2008, 04:49 AM
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Prayers going out for both of you.

Yes..I would definately be taking her to the doctor.
Hope the day goes peacefully...
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:02 AM
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Sleepy,

I have to agree with everyone, I would be taking her to the Doctors also so she gets the meds. I think sometimes we have to bend a bit. You can still take care of you and who knows maybe with the new coctail she will act differently and be more concerned for herself. (((hugs)))
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:06 AM
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Sleepygoat,

Each of us moms have to decide what we're going to do. I know I have to check my decisions with the recovery info that I now have in my brain. Somedays can still get very confusing....is this enabling, is this helping, should I, shouldn't I ...? I've found that all areas/decisions are just not black and white.

You've thought this thing out which I think is the most important thing. If I just go with my heart, I screw up everytime. And there are times I've thought it out, then look back and think, "Darn it, I messed that one up." But ya know, even when those times happen, I keep trudging forward, hopefully learning the lesson I was supposed to learn.

I think you're a great mom and your AD is blessed to have you. I am keeping both you and your daughter in my prayers, praying that God will get your AD to where she needs to be in order to surrender.

Big mama hugs cause I know how these AD's can tear a mama's heart,

Hangin' In
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:30 AM
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Sleepygoat,
I would take her to the doctor too. You are doing great! As a parent of
an active addict I know how hard that balancing act can be...trying not
to get sucked in to the addiction.
Your AD seems to be concerned about her health and medication, thats a
really good thing. Take care, Stef
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:56 AM
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Sleepy,

I'm sending out prayers for you both. I have a hard time deciding what is "mom" behavior and what is "codie" behavior myself. This sounds like "mom" to me. Hugs and good thoughts for YOU today, Sleepygoat.
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:57 AM
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((sleepy))
I so feel for you. Know what? I am not even an addict but I can tell you I certainly have done the same, had every intention of taking care of something and instead got all caught up in the disease, chao- yuck.

This is just my personal experience- my feelings. I paid for many treatments that looking back I could say were a mistake. (He did not get sober and into recovery). There are many things in the past I can look back at and feel like I was stupid, feel some shamefulness over. Things I can feel used for- resentments towards him for that, resentments towards myself for allowing myself to be. I can look at my past and now say, "wow- that was enabling."

The difference between enabling and caring.. can be so darn confusing!! Same action on our part seems to be caring/enabling.. positive/negative- based on the addicts actions and the consequences.

It just comes down to this for me. I know my truth. I accepted where I was at the time, accepted myself. I was afraid that he was going to die. I believed he was truly ready and wanted to recover. I did it out of love. Not just my love for him. Really my love for myself. What I could live with that day, and what I could live with in the future, if something had happened.

Obviously, he made poor decisions and choices. But those were HIS, not mine. I know where my mind and heart was at the time and why. I know I prayed like heck before I acted/reacted. No doubt, after the fact- a lot of judgement by others.. I was enabling, I should have, shouldn't have... (Oh heck, the last treatment- the pro's there seem to have forgotten, they called me three times that day, asking me to pay and telling me, they thought he was ready, really wanted it that time.)

I don't regret it- it doesn't matter what he did or why he did it.
Please keep in mind, those infamous words: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You are powerless over it and your daughter. The choices she makes. This is about YOU!! Where you are today!!
Whatever your decision is- I support you in it.

The only other thing I can think of to add. If you decide to take her. Do it without any expectations of her. Don't go into fear of what she may or may not do in the future. Stay in the moment and enjoy it!!
This is so complicated, my heart just goes out to you.
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Old 07-20-2008, 07:36 AM
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Dear Sleepy, I believe you are definitely doing the right thing. Being HIV positive is a hugh price to pay for having the illness of addiction. I know if it were my child I'd take them too.
Sending lots of prayers up for you & your daughter.
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Old 07-20-2008, 08:10 AM
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Sleepy, My daughter has always had a hard time doing things herself. Yet when I look at my own life I have been the same way. So I will help my daughter by taking her to appointments and being there to support her during the times when fear may overwhelm her to the point that she would not do the healthy thing. I don't see anything wrong with that. You are not helping her to stay sick. You are giving her a chance to get better. What she does with that chance is up to her. My daughter has told me the same thing about wanting to do something and yet being unable due to active addiction. The intentions were there but the follow through just did not happen. So take your daughter and don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-20-2008, 09:09 AM
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Yes, I do realize that taking her to the HIV clinic, because she is incapable of keeping these appointments as an active addict, is a form of enabling, but if she's dead of AIDS, she's not going to get clean anyway. My (NA) sponsor supports the idea of me taking her as long as I keep it simple and keep the focus on the task at hand (get her to the appointment) and not on trying to get her clean or getting her to change.
I don't believe this is being SUCKED BACK IN. I believe you NA sponsor is 'right on.' Keep the focus on the task at hand, take her back to wherever she is staying and go on home, (maybe with a stop for lunch if she can keep any food down).

Yes, it is hard being in recovery for addiction, and then having to attend Alanon or Naranon also. I went 'kicking and screaming' at exactly 3 years sober. It was the best dang thing I ever ever did for me!!!!! Not only did it help me with my 12 step program of recovery from alcohol and drugs (gave me a whole new perspective on the 12 Steps) it helped me so much with my codie side!

If I were you, I too would take her to the appointment. This is not about her addiction, this is about her health. If her HIV is kept in check she just might find recovery yet.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-20-2008, 10:39 AM
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You wanted to hear from your daughter and you wanted her to treat the HIV. Your desires have come true. All you had to do was sit back and wait and it happened
in its own time. No need to wrap a story around moving forward.
You are a wonderful parent who has unconditional love for your daughter. No matter
her capabilities you have the strength to love and care for her as you deem appropriate.

Enjoy the precious time with your precious daughter this Thursday.
You only get "sucked" back in if that is how you choose to react or see it.
I admire how you reacted to the two month separation,
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Old 07-20-2008, 04:37 PM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
Sleepy, My daughter has always had a hard time doing things herself. Yet when I look at my own life I have been the same way. So I will help my daughter by taking her to appointments and being there to support her during the times when fear may overwhelm her to the point that she would not do the healthy thing.

I too am a big huge procrastinator when it comes to my health.
I thought my Mom was going to have my head when she asked
me when my last pap was (cuz of some problems) and I was like
Oh silly Mom!! I don't get THOSE, they are GROSE!

That did not make my Mom a happy gurl.....

And that coming from the sanest, cleanest Done you could know.

All the while knowing one day I was going to maybe get myself
in trouble cuz of it.
Anyway, we do stuff like that clean or sober I guess is my point,
I mean? even when we are sober... or have never even used before.
Fear......
I would do the same thing if I were you.
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Old 07-20-2008, 04:43 PM
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You know, I just am surprised at how I overestimated my daughter and underestimated her disease of addiction. I really thought she could handle this one thing, this one appointment every 2 months. And i thought to myself, "She lives 5 miles from the clinic in a city that has public transportation. I live over 40 miles away. She can take herself there." And it seemed so logical and non-codependent.

also a bit scared for her. of course, but doing good not 'going there' much!
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Old 07-20-2008, 04:47 PM
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Last edited by Done_With_It; 07-20-2008 at 05:07 PM.
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:43 PM
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Sleepy,
I think people have hit on it also and you to..If your scared for her she could be more scared. My one daughter will avoid anything medical if she can for fear. Crazy especially for a woman, men do it all the time but our daughters.....But if she goes with you and no problems well mom she is still your little girl needing mom for the right reason. So just enjoy that time with her as best you can. Your doing good mom!!!!:ghug3
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