Helpus,
I understand the dilemma. I have been where you are, a RAD wanting to move home. My stomach hurts just at the thought of it.
Just from my experience, it's very hard for them to come back home after being out on their own. The situation was equally hard on both of us because I knew I'd want to fall back into my old tendencies ... meddle in her life and say way too much ... and she immediately became defensive, even when going to meetings and working a program. I'm sure you know "recovery" doesn't not equal perfect behavior for either one of us.
We lasted about 1 1/2 months before she decided she had to leave. She said she had to get back to where she was living so she wouldn't drink/use again. Her behavior had gone downhill and I was ready to gas up her car and say "Have at it, sister"!
As much as her being home was causing turmoil, her decision to go back to where she had been living looked like a horrible one ... no job, no place to live, no money and a scrungy ABF who was not working a good program or working one at all.
THANK GOD for my recovery through Al Anon and this board. I was scared to death to let her go, but knew I had to. I went in the closet, prayed for the courage to let her drive off without falling apart, and kissed her goodbye. That was a DEFINING MOMENT in my recovery.
Long story short, the bad looking decision turned out to be the best decision she could have made. Oh, there were some very huge bumps at first and calls home, crying, making me rely on my HP even more, but both she and I made it through. Recovery taught me I could not fix her life for her and I had to get out of the way and let her figure it out.
I said all that to say this. We moms do want to love and support. And we have to decide what is best to do at the time. But ultimately, I had to rely on everything I had learned in recovery in order to let my AD go, even when, according to human eyes, the decision she was making was awful. And even more than that, I had to put my recovery into action and do things that were even harder than letting her go, like saying no because it would be best for both her and me. Thank God for Al Anon and this board. I never would have been able to get out of the way without them.
I love that page in the "One Day at a Time Book" that says something like as long as I am standing in the way, I am blocking my daughter's Higher Power's light. There is no way He can get to her if I'm always in the middle.
I'll keep you and your RAD in my prayers. The move home might be stressful, but just like in my life and my RAD's life, it was just part of God's recovery plan for both of us.
Hugs,
Hangin' In