needtolearn

It's so funny, because as I'm sitting here, feeling like the piece o' crap, I read that line in your reply, and I had to respond

Thinking about him, as I do everyday, especially this rainy day, it hit me out of the blue (I think God speaking through my spirit), that when I told him to "go to hell", that I myself returned a wound with a wound.

I've learn so much more everyday about addiction. Now, reader, please don't think that I'm going soft on his addiction. The addicition is disgusting to me. His behaviour in addiction is disgusting to me. But he's beautiful. I'm feeling right now, knowing his fragile heart, that by me telling him that he really didn't want to get better, and 'go to hell', I condemned him.

Now, I GET his sobriety is not my responsibility. I GET that he has to have the humility to surrender. But you know, if he gave up on himself, and did something "drastic", I would die myself.

I envisioned his addiction like a rope...a rope covered with rattlesnakes, and he's holding on to that rope for dear life. Everyone's shouting for him to let go of the rope, and he's getting bit by the snakes. And the sick, weird part is that he wants to let go of the rope, but he's compelled to hold on the rope for dear life. He refuses to let it go, though he knows he should, and a huge part of him wants to. But because he's spiritually and emotionally sick, he won't let go. That vision made me tear up.

While I don't PITY him, I have so much compassion for him right now. That's how I feel, and I'm learning to trust my feelings, and be okay with how I feel.

So what do I do know? I feel spiritually compelled to apologize for cursing him, literally. I was reading Joel Osteen, and my lesson for today was "Speaking A Blessing", that words can heal or hurt, and when those words harm, you can't take them back.

He did me very wrong yes, but I fought fire with fire, and burned him. Two wrongs don't make a right, and for my conscience, I need to make it right on my end. What to do?

:praying