I Saw Him On The Bus!

Old 07-07-2008, 09:33 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
I Saw Him On The Bus!

I was waiting for my bus to get home from the store, and as I was getting on, but before I set foot on the bus, I saw him. (exABF)

I could have been wrong, but I'm 95 percent sure. He's so darned tall and square in the shoulders, he stands out. Plus this guy was looking dead at me, then turn away. It's funny, we locked eyes for a second, but I knew in my gut it was him.

LUCKILY there was another bus behind it that, although it was a little out of the way, it took me where I needed to go also. So I jumped on it.

I'm feeling so angry, and...I don't know. I think it's true when they say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, because if I got on the bus that he was on, I would have had to sit on hands to keep from going over to him, and slapping his head off! With as much pain as he's caused me, it almost would have been worth going to jail for! (just kidding, kind of).

My first thoughts were 'He has no idea what he's put me through. How there isn't an HOUR that goes by that I don't think of him. He has no idea of all the tears that I've cried. He hasn't even had the DECENCY to apologize' Then I thought, ' He doesn't care, he doesn't get it, he's in active addiction, of course he doesn't get it. Worse, he's probably mad at ME for being mad at HIM!!! Can you imagine that? But then I remebered when my mom, her patterns, and yes, addicts DO get mad at you for being mad at them.

Then I thought, 'What a COMPLETE COWARD he is! But of course he is, he has the emotions of a 15 year old on a good day! What a cowardly piece of S@#T he is! I wonder what it must feel like to go around feeling like a hot, steaming pile of S@#T? It sucks to be him!'

So that's how I feel at this moment. Yeah, hurting, but more angry, and repulsed really. You know, for a second I questioned myself, if in fact I was over-reacting to his drunken calls, mood swings, head and heart games. Then I told myself "NO DAMMIT, you're right to feel angry and offended! What he did was HIGHLY OFFENSIVE, and DISREPSECTFUL!!!! And he did it time and time again! The 'relationship', which he never should have started should have BEEN over.

I'm FINALLY starting to get glimpses that, instead of putting him on some pedestal of 'potential', I saw him today for the hot, steaming, pile of self centered, cowardly S@#T that he is, that HE'S CHOOSING TO BE. He has no integrity, he's manipulative, he's immature, he's not in touch with healthy reality, and he's a jealous B$%tch A**.

Now, I have to keep that perspective of him, not the tall dark, handsome, "equipped", witty, funny, clever, sweet, good kisser "him".

I think I'll think of him as a hot steamy turd gift wrapped in a pretty, seductive package.
needtolearn is offline  
Old 07-07-2008, 09:40 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Good for you! Work through your anger in a healthy way and you will be able to make even more steps toward a better life.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 07-07-2008, 11:19 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Can't make sense out of crazy.
 
strongerwoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by needtolearn View Post

I'm FINALLY starting to get glimpses that, instead of putting him on some pedestal of 'potential', I saw him today for the hot, steaming, pile of self centered, cowardly S@#T that he is, that HE'S CHOOSING TO BE. He has no integrity, he's manipulative, he's immature, he's not in touch with healthy reality, and he's a jealous B$%tch A**.

Now, I have to keep that perspective of him, not the tall dark, handsome, "equipped", witty, funny, clever, sweet, good kisser "him".

I think I'll think of him as a hot steamy turd gift wrapped in a pretty, seductive package.

OMGosh! Too funny! What a great visual!

I am so in the same place you are and this post of yours has really helped out today.

Next time I see stbxah (weird to finally be typing THAT out!) the steamy turd is definitely what I'll be standing there visualizing instead of getting all teary-eyed and sentimental. I'll probably bust out laughing and he'll be standing there wondering what's so funny.

WHY is it that it is SOOOOOOOOOOO hard to keep focused on the reality of the situations and all of the negatives and stop slipping back into the loving feelings?
Why is it so hard to keep the negatives in the forefront of our minds?

Last edited by DesertEyes; 07-07-2008 at 08:02 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
strongerwoman is offline  
Old 07-07-2008, 01:32 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
Why, you ask Stronger?

BECAUSE we're touchy, feely women. It's who we are, it' where we live. Plus, we're human, and we have these things called HORMONES.

I've been silently following your dillema, your post as well. Part of what you mentioned, is that you were, um..."wanting".

Now that I related to. I long for his delicious kisses, I long for him to hold me, HELL, I long for the phone to ring again, let alone the physical, and the good emotions that came with him.

BUT what I don't long for, is the drunken calls, the worrying about everything I say or do driving him to drink, the botched dates (He ruined my Memorial Day weekend, and a month later, a simple Saturday out of window shopping, lunch, and a movie. What kind of weirdo loser sabotages that?!?). I don't long for the insomnia from being upset with him, and the subsequent sleepiness the next day, the dizziness from messed up brain chemistry, depression, nausea, anxiety.

Those emotions and symptoms, I can SOOO do without.

I appreciate how honest you've been, even though you've made the same mistakes a couple of times. But you finally learned, like I had to finally learn the hard way. It sucks, huh?

Let's support each other's post. Keep in touch hon, and most of all, think of your child. They follow your example. As I've said a billions times, I'm an ACOA, I can tell you the effects that has on you when you are 36 years old, and you are STILL being affected by stuff growing up in that. Protect yourself, protect your child, and as I've learned this weekend DON'T GET HURT. You can protect yourself. DON'T GET HURT.
needtolearn is offline  
Old 07-07-2008, 02:11 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by needtolearn View Post
I'm an ACOA, I can tell you the effects that has on you when you are 36 years old, and you are STILL being affected by stuff growing up in that.
Heck, I'm 53 and finally truly working on my issues from my childhood! But we can and do heal with time and hard work.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 07-07-2008, 05:01 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by needtolearn View Post
I was waiting for my bus to get home from the store, and as I was getting on, but before I set foot on the bus, I saw him. (exABF)

I could have been wrong, but I'm 95 percent sure. He's so darned tall and square in the shoulders, he stands out. Plus this guy was looking dead at me, then turn away. It's funny, we locked eyes for a second, but I knew in my gut it was him.

LUCKILY there was another bus behind it that, although it was a little out of the way, it took me where I needed to go also. So I jumped on it.

I'm feeling so angry, and...I don't know. I think it's true when they say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, because if I got on the bus that he was on, I would have had to sit on hands to keep from going over to him, and slapping his head off! With as much pain as he's caused me, it almost would have been worth going to jail for! (just kidding, kind of).

My first thoughts were 'He has no idea what he's put me through. How there isn't an HOUR that goes by that I don't think of him. He has no idea of all the tears that I've cried. He hasn't even had the DECENCY to apologize' Then I thought, ' He doesn't care, he doesn't get it, he's in active addiction, of course he doesn't get it. Worse, he's probably mad at ME for being mad at HIM!!! Can you imagine that? But then I remebered when my mom, her patterns, and yes, addicts DO get mad at you for being mad at them.

Then I thought, 'What a COMPLETE COWARD he is! But of course he is, he has the emotions of a 15 year old on a good day! What a cowardly piece of S@#T he is! I wonder what it must feel like to go around feeling like a hot, steaming pile of S@#T? It sucks to be him!'

So that's how I feel at this moment. Yeah, hurting, but more angry, and repulsed really. You know, for a second I questioned myself, if in fact I was over-reacting to his drunken calls, mood swings, head and heart games. Then I told myself "NO DAMMIT, you're right to feel angry and offended! What he did was HIGHLY OFFENSIVE, and DISREPSECTFUL!!!! And he did it time and time again! The 'relationship', which he never should have started should have BEEN over.

I'm FINALLY starting to get glimpses that, instead of putting him on some pedestal of 'potential', I saw him today for the hot, steaming, pile of self centered, cowardly S@#T that he is, that HE'S CHOOSING TO BE. He has no integrity, he's manipulative, he's immature, he's not in touch with healthy reality, and he's a jealous B$%tch A**.

Now, I have to keep that perspective of him, not the tall dark, handsome, "equipped", witty, funny, clever, sweet, good kisser "him".

I think I'll think of him as a hot steamy turd gift wrapped in a pretty, seductive package.
You are awsome. This was a great post...stay strong. You are doing the right thing. Belive me he knows he is a hot steaming pile of s#$%

you wll find a new good kisser that treats you so much better - be happy and proud of yourself that you moved forward.
sadandhopeless is offline  
Old 07-07-2008, 06:17 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
rivka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
I'm WITH ya sister....cussin and all. Sometimes I think about printing his picture and spending hours just ripping it to shreds while coming up with new synonyms for "M.F. as*h*le".

"I just posted about how frustrated I am with a similar dude....
Frankly, it is often easier to "hate" them in order to get past it, than empathize with their illness and "detach with love". Newsflash...yes, we are codependent, and "get it" but it doesn't take away the pain we still feel.

They hurt us...knowing or not.

I had an XABF that I coddled off/on for 10 years...we were together...then friends...then together...I got mentally F*d up about him because of his addiction....and his weird change of focus in recovery. He did the 12 steps...albeit some more than others....but then tho he was NOT drinking, he still had most of the selfish behaviors, which, looking at it now, were probably "defense mechanisms" which were inbred from years of manipulation and all of that addictive behavior.

When he finally got to step 9 about "forgiveness to those you've hurt" he called me one night and said, like he was ordering a pizza, "hey, just wanted to say i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you, OK?".
Of course, I said "what, that's it?" and he told me that he was supposed to apologize, but damn...frankly that wasn't good enough...and I began to resent his half-assed, insincere attempt at passing that step with me.
Not all recovering dudes are that dense, I'm sure, but it only went downhill from there.

Like you, my current hot steamin turd of a guy doesn't know what he is missing with ME...I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, and he doesn't value that...I know most of it has to do with his disease and my need for attention and affection as a Codie, but it doesn't matter....the relationship is with the disease until and unless the healthy guy inside fights to get out and stay out!!

It hurts that he specifically told this friend that he doesn't want to see me while in rehab and that I'm offering to give this guy my time and patience and he doesn't get it...or want it and that I'm often paralyzed by the unreciprocated affection when he's in this disease.

I just wanted to share in the angst...
But truth be told...and to be serious....we need to feel deserving of more, and we don't...yet.
That's why we are pining away for these losers.
I know we need to be healthy first, but here's hoping a well balanced and of course, hot stud of a man, knocks on our doors and can show us what a real relationship can be like without all the BS.

hugs-
rivka
rivka is offline  
Old 07-07-2008, 09:24 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Someone told me on here that letting go of past resentments is a gift you give yourself. While I can relate to the anger and frustration, when I made the decision to let that go and focus on getting myself healthy, life became much easier. I still have moments of anger, but I am now able to shrug them off and move on. That doesn't mean it will always be like that, but day by day not being a ball of anger over what my ex "did" to me is a much better way to live.
NYC_Chick is offline  
Old 07-07-2008, 10:55 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
God's Kid
 
lizw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I know how it feels to be that angry

Originally Posted by NYC_Chick View Post
Someone told me on here that letting go of past resentments is a gift you give yourself. While I can relate to the anger and frustration, when I made the decision to let that go and focus on getting myself healthy, life became much easier. I still have moments of anger, but I am now able to shrug them off and move on. That doesn't mean it will always be like that, but day by day not being a ball of anger over what my ex "did" to me is a much better way to live.
I also know the above quote too. Who knows why they are such A** holes? All addiction aside, not all addicts and alkies behave like t**ers. I do beleive a high percent, but not all of us. (I been sober in AA for a few years now)

2 years ago when I was diagnosed with MS, I ended a long term relationship and gave my ex partner 30K from the sale of my house. I had it before we lived together, he moved in. Then the sick man took all the money out of my accounts too, because 30k wasn't enough, obviously. And like you said he didn't even get it. He is self centred and self obsessed.

I try not to foster this resentment as I could probably live off the anger it creates for weeks and weeks and weeks. I try to think about my part in and it ask myself, why on earth did you give him the money? Why on earth did you get together with him in the 1st place? And how are you not going to do it again?

But there must be some hope. I sat in a meeting with him a few months back and didn't want to smash his face in. Just felt grateful I was leaving alone and without him! 30K seemed a small price to pay to get myself back!

Last edited by lizw; 07-07-2008 at 10:56 PM. Reason: wrong use of word
lizw is offline  
Old 07-08-2008, 04:41 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
I Finally Love My Life!!!
 
cagefree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by needtolearn View Post
I think I'll think of him as a hot steamy turd gift wrapped in a pretty, seductive package.

Then I told myself "NO DAMMIT, you're right to feel angry and offended! What he did was HIGHLY OFFENSIVE, and DISREPSECTFUL!!!!
OMG - that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!

I remember the seething rage I felt over "what he did" and I had more than my fair share of four letter swears erupt from me in such a fashion that they made no sense.

You go girl! Let it out - be angry - it felt good when I finally allowed myself to feel every feeling that came along (even the tough ones like anger and hate), and refreshing when I had worked through it all. You sound like you're exactly where you need to be
cagefree is offline  
Old 07-08-2008, 11:33 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
SailorKaren's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by needtolearn View Post
[...] Then I thought, 'What a COMPLETE COWARD he is! But of course he is, he has the emotions of a 15 year old on a good day! What a cowardly piece of S@#T he is! [...]
Several days after my XASO devastated me and told me she wanted me out, she told me how she had battled with the decision for a long time before telling me. As I took that in and pondered it for a while, I thought about our conversations about her military experiences in the USAF, and the trust they developed with each other in the unit. I remembered their rule, almost sacred, never to abandon your battle buddy. And I thought, OMG, you went into battle for the very life of our relationship without your battle buddy! And who is it who abandons their battle buddy? A COWARD, pure and simple. And at that thought, I felt some anger come on board, and it felt good to have that energy to get me through the day. This is making me sob and sob all over again...

It takes courage to look inside and know the depths of your heart, it takes courage to feel your feelings, it takes courage to share your mind and soul with another, it takes courage to open to pain and ask for help. I pray every day for the courage to live with that level of honor towards myself, and those around me. Although sometimes difficult, it is always rewarding in the end.
SailorKaren is offline  
Old 07-08-2008, 12:48 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
The Next Day (especially wanting Christian input)

Originally Posted by rivka View Post
Frankly, it is often easier to "hate" them in order to get past it, than empathize with their illness and "detach with love".

It's so funny, because as I'm sitting here, feeling like the piece o' crap, I read that line in your reply, and I had to respond

Thinking about him, as I do everyday, especially this rainy day, it hit me out of the blue (I think God speaking through my spirit), that when I told him to "go to hell", that I myself returned a wound with a wound.

I've learn so much more everyday about addiction. Now, reader, please don't think that I'm going soft on his addiction. The addicition is disgusting to me. His behaviour in addiction is disgusting to me. But he's beautiful. I'm feeling right now, knowing his fragile heart, that by me telling him that he really didn't want to get better, and 'go to hell', I condemned him.

Now, I GET his sobriety is not my responsibility. I GET that he has to have the humility to surrender. But you know, if he gave up on himself, and did something "drastic", I would die myself.

I envisioned his addiction like a rope...a rope covered with rattlesnakes, and he's holding on to that rope for dear life. Everyone's shouting for him to let go of the rope, and he's getting bit by the snakes. And the sick, weird part is that he wants to let go of the rope, but he's compelled to hold on the rope for dear life. He refuses to let it go, though he knows he should, and a huge part of him wants to. But because he's spiritually and emotionally sick, he won't let go. That vision made me tear up.

While I don't PITY him, I have so much compassion for him right now. That's how I feel, and I'm learning to trust my feelings, and be okay with how I feel.

So what do I do know? I feel spiritually compelled to apologize for cursing him, literally. I was reading Joel Osteen, and my lesson for today was "Speaking A Blessing", that words can heal or hurt, and when those words harm, you can't take them back.

He did me very wrong yes, but I fought fire with fire, and burned him. Two wrongs don't make a right, and for my conscience, I need to make it right on my end. What to do?

:praying
needtolearn is offline  
Old 07-08-2008, 12:59 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Anger is a natural stage of the grieving process. Please don't beat yourself up for being angry. If you didn't get angry, you could never work through those feelings and they would cause bigger problems later on.

The way I chose to deal with my anger was to journal. That way, I could rant and rave and curse as much as I needed to without hurting someone or regretting my own words later on. It was my own private place to get out whatever emotions were needing to come out. And, amazingly, the anger transformed from anger at him, to anger at me, to forgiveness of both of us. There is no shortcut, however. Emotions need to be felt and worked through if you want to get past them.

It's okay to be angry. And it's okay to forgive yourself for being angry.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 07-08-2008, 01:20 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by needtolearn View Post
He did me very wrong yes, but I fought fire with fire, and burned him. Two wrongs don't make a right, and for my conscience, I need to make it right on my end. What to do?
Ask yourself what your motive to want to talk to him about this. Is it to make you feel better? Is to to make him feel better? What is the likely result of talking to him about it?

It may be that you only need to forgive yourself. You only acted human afterall.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 07-08-2008, 01:36 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
It may be that you only need to forgive yourself. You only acted human afterall.
And again another phrase as I was just about to type. You know, I spoke to a Christian friend, who had her own addiction struggles, and she told me that maybe being a bit harsh might be a good thing for him?

Along with the many characteristics of an addict, they are very callous and hard hearted. They tell so many lies, they manipulate and play so many games, especially with themselves.

Then, I thought, you know, God makes no mistakes. It's no mistake that we were paired together. God know me, and he knew it would take someone like me, so honest and upfront, to try to give this dude a sign (and I've been learning so many lessons from "dude" as well).

So, although the delivery was harsh, I believe that it took a woman like me to say the things that I did (You could have died in the accident, but God gave you a second chance, you don't want to get better, go to hell).

In a perverse way, maybe I did speak a blessing, because maybe it took for someone like me to break through that hard heart, and to see through the smokescreen. Again NOT MY JOB TO SAVE HIM, but I don't think God makes any mistakes. So I don't feel so guilty anymore. I said exactly what he needed to hear.
needtolearn is offline  
Old 07-08-2008, 01:40 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
 
lostnfound1961's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
LaTeeDa,
As always you are right. I started my journal a year ago and it has helped me so much. I look back at who I was when I started it and am suprised I was that unhappy. I have stopped being so angry an my ah and now am more sad than anything.

As for the terd remark (GOOD ONE) I got a great laugh out of that.

I hope you are all well and I will be praying for you.
lostnfound1961 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:09 AM.