I'm WITH ya sister....cussin and all. Sometimes I think about printing his picture and spending hours just ripping it to shreds while coming up with new synonyms for "M.F. as*h*le".
"I just posted about how frustrated I am with a similar dude....
Frankly, it is often easier to "hate" them in order to get past it, than empathize with their illness and "detach with love". Newsflash...yes, we are codependent, and "get it" but it doesn't take away the pain we still feel.
They hurt us...knowing or not.
I had an XABF that I coddled off/on for 10 years...we were together...then friends...then together...I got mentally F*d up about him because of his addiction....and his weird change of focus in recovery. He did the 12 steps...albeit some more than others....but then tho he was NOT drinking, he still had most of the selfish behaviors, which, looking at it now, were probably "defense mechanisms" which were inbred from years of manipulation and all of that addictive behavior.
When he finally got to step 9 about "forgiveness to those you've hurt" he called me one night and said, like he was ordering a pizza, "hey, just wanted to say i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you, OK?".
Of course, I said "what, that's it?" and he told me that he was supposed to apologize, but damn...frankly that wasn't good enough...and I began to resent his half-assed, insincere attempt at passing that step with me.
Not all recovering dudes are that dense, I'm sure, but it only went downhill from there.
Like you, my current hot steamin turd of a guy doesn't know what he is missing with ME...I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, and he doesn't value that...I know most of it has to do with his disease and my need for attention and affection as a Codie, but it doesn't matter....the relationship is with the disease until and unless the healthy guy inside fights to get out and stay out!!
It hurts that he specifically told this friend that he doesn't want to see me while in rehab and that I'm offering to give this guy my time and patience and he doesn't get it...or want it and that I'm often paralyzed by the unreciprocated affection when he's in this disease.
I just wanted to share in the angst...
But truth be told...and to be serious....we need to feel deserving of more, and we don't...yet.
That's why we are pining away for these losers.
I know we need to be healthy first, but here's hoping a well balanced and of course, hot stud of a man, knocks on our doors and can show us what a real relationship can be like without all the BS.
hugs-
rivka