Sorry you are going through this. Reminds me of my own "kids" (20y and 26y) and their interactions with their dad. It's hard work for me,but I am stepping out of it all,as best I can, and I think it is best for us all. Perhaps it might actually make an impact own exAH....who knows? (I know it is difficult for him,as all these years I was his "link" to what they are doing,etc. and planned family stuff,etc. Even after he divorced me, I still stayed in that role for a while until I remembered they are all adults now and they need to work out their own relationshiips with each other.)
My kids feel pretty much like you describe;which I think is really realistic and certainly more slack than you would expect anyone to give most persons who treat you the way an active addict does. I minimized for years;THEY helped me realize that. I did no one any favors.
They still love their dad (I do,too) but not the way he treats us. It is reasonable to protect yourself from continued hurt and mistreatment. When it is safe to trust,then that is the time to start trying again. It is not about loving or not loving someone;imho. We have to love ourselves at least as much as the other person.
Sorry you find yourself in this difficult and sad position......glad you are posting.