Laan

As you might know - my dad has lost all sense of reality and common sense at times. I am not surprised after the years of alcohol abuse, but now I am so confused.

The day before we moved my mother out there was a fight of sorts - not really big or important. My mother wanted me to ask a friend to lend us her cat cage after she kept changing her mind about whether the cat would go with her or to my friend. So I didn't want to mess my friend around even more, so I said no.

My father took the phone from my mother and screamed horrible things at me - I hung up & he called back. I did not answer this time, so he left me 2 more disgusting voice messages about how I'm f'ed up & I must f-off.....it continues like that. Obviously he was wasted.

Now, this morning he sends me an sms (which he also did on the day we moved my mother) saying that he loves me.

I do not know what to do. Just ignore it? Or respond? I honestly don't know....

CarolD

I'm sorry this is happening in your life.

How about waiting until you feel more settled
before contacting him.

It never hurt me to simply say..."I love you"
to family members.

Laan

Well, I was actually just starting to feel happy an settled with my bf in our new apartment. My brother and mother also seemed to be adjusting to all our changes.

Oh yeah, and he got away with everything - the court threw out his case of driving under the influence.

I feel that I do not want any contact with him now. Too many things have been said and done for me to just go on - I've been just going on after every time he did those things. Now I just want to live my own life, but at the same moment I feel so sad for him.

He is not the father I used to love - he is something entirely different, so I cannot honestly say that I love him. Not what he's become.

Yet I feel bad.....still feeling confused

CarolD

Ok...we all have changed over the years
some are healthy choices and some are not.

Look at the positive changes that are happening.
It always makes me feel better to do that.

Enjoy your new life...

Laan

Just called my mother on her request to help her sort out her hearing piece here where we live (she cannot contact the people herself)

After all my father has done to us and her - she dares stand up for him!? She basically told me off for not returning his sms'es or calls. The one time he called I did not hear my phone - and now I am still torn with the sms.

I do believe that people deserve second chances and that we need to forgive and forget, but this man has had so many chances now. How many times must I let him rip my heart and soul out?????? He has ruined them all - by writing car after car off - by losing work for drinking while he's at work - for coming home totally wasted, screaming and shouting, breaking things, beating the closest person to him - for sleeping around and voicing it to the whole world for our further embarrassment! First he leaves me a horrible voicemessage, now he's upset because I don't return his futile gestures????

I am so angry right now!

Kindeyes

Laan
It is your life. It belongs to you....not your Mom.....not your Dad. It's time to take care of you and do what you need to do for yourself. You can't control what your Mom says or does. You can't control your Dad's drinking. You have taken control of your life and your environment.......and that took a lot of courage!

I think that says it all, sweetie. It's ok to live your life. It took me a long time to realize that it doesn't really matter what other people think......including my parents. I don't need validation from anyone (it's a nice bonus if I get it but it isn't needed).

gentle hugs

Laan

Thanks hey.

My dad called my cell now - I couldn't answer. He left me another voice message. This time I could hear he was crying - his message was that he just wanted to tell me that he loves me.

I broke down crying like a baby - this isn't fair. I really just don't know what to do. Do I forgive him again so that he can hurt my feelings again? Do I need to give him another chance?

Is he really trying? Do I tell him that I'm willing to have contact if there was no alcohol involved? Wouldn't that start another big fight? I can't return the gesture of saying I love you back - why am I so cruel? I can't understand this - my heart is broken once again!

Barbara52

That's all you need to say. Its what you want and need right now. Giving yourself what you want and need is a healthy thing to do. You need time to heal. Later, if you want to re-establish contact, you can do so.

FormerDoormat

I don't normally say "I love you" to people who tell me to F Off.

juju

What is cruel about refusing to be treated poorly?

If it makes you feel better, write him a letter. Explain your feelings and what you will and will not tolerate. Set your boundaries. Take care of you.

Just because he is your father doesn’t give him inalienable rights to treat you poorly. But you DO have the right to be treated with love and respect. They may not choose to stop treating you poorly, but you have the choice on what treatment you will accept.

LaTeeDa

Well, if that's all he wanted, then he accomplished it, didn't he? So if he is being honest, he shouldn't expect a call back. I think your instincts are telling you that he is not being honest about just wanting to say he loves you. That maybe he is manipulating you and, as you said, you will possibly end up being hurt again.

If I treat someone despicably, and then expect them to forget all about it, who's the one being cruel?

L

Pick-a-name

Sorry you are going through this. Reminds me of my own "kids" (20y and 26y) and their interactions with their dad. It's hard work for me,but I am stepping out of it all,as best I can, and I think it is best for us all. Perhaps it might actually make an impact own exAH....who knows? (I know it is difficult for him,as all these years I was his "link" to what they are doing,etc. and planned family stuff,etc. Even after he divorced me, I still stayed in that role for a while until I remembered they are all adults now and they need to work out their own relationshiips with each other.)

My kids feel pretty much like you describe;which I think is really realistic and certainly more slack than you would expect anyone to give most persons who treat you the way an active addict does. I minimized for years;THEY helped me realize that. I did no one any favors.

They still love their dad (I do,too) but not the way he treats us. It is reasonable to protect yourself from continued hurt and mistreatment. When it is safe to trust,then that is the time to start trying again. It is not about loving or not loving someone;imho. We have to love ourselves at least as much as the other person.

Sorry you find yourself in this difficult and sad position......glad you are posting.

i4getsm

Does he acknowledge what he said/did? Has he apologized?

I agree with LTD. He said his "I love you". Now it's time to leave you alone. He can't force a response. If you need space, then take some space. It's not your job to make him feel better. He did a crappy thing to you. He shouldn't be expecting you to immediately respond. He needs to own the consequence of his actions. (((HUGS)))

Laan

Well - no, he uses the drink as an excuse: "I was drunk, I don't remember that...."

I decided to return his sms - I couldn't bear to speak with him yet. Basically I set the boundary.

My sms said:"What can I say? I hate what alcohol is doing to you and when you drink I can't say I love you back because it will have no meaning. I didn't respond or answer your calls because I knew I'd say this and it would probably have ended in a fight"

I will take his calls, but I am going to tell him as clear as I can that (if he's drunk) I am going to hang up now - because he's drunk and that he can call me back when he's sober. He needs to learn that it is the alcohol I want nothing to do with.

Now I just need to keep to that - it's easy to say now, but when it happens I might not have the guts to say it. It's sad that my family have become like this. My bf and I are very close to getting married and I know bf won't let my drunk dad go - me too though. It's his own fault though - he needs to sort himself out if he wants to go to important things like that in his children's lives.

I'll let you know if I could hold my ground if he calls again....thanks for the advice, I am going to try my best to use it for the best!