I was waiting for my bus to get home from the store, and as I was getting on, but before I set foot on the bus, I saw him. (exABF)
I could have been wrong, but I'm 95 percent sure. He's so darned tall and square in the shoulders, he stands out. Plus this guy was looking dead at me, then turn away. It's funny, we locked eyes for a second, but I knew in my gut it was him.
LUCKILY there was another bus behind it that, although it was a little out of the way, it took me where I needed to go also. So I jumped on it.
I'm feeling so angry, and...I don't know. I think it's true when they say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, because if I got on the bus that he was on, I would have had to sit on hands to keep from going over to him, and slapping his head off!
With as much pain as he's caused me, it almost would have been worth going to jail for! (just kidding, kind of).
My first thoughts were 'He has no idea what he's put me through. How there isn't an HOUR that goes by that I don't think of him. He has no idea of all the tears that I've cried. He hasn't even had the DECENCY to apologize' Then I thought, ' He doesn't care, he doesn't get it, he's in active addiction, of course he doesn't get it. Worse, he's probably mad at ME for being mad at HIM!!! Can you imagine that? But then I remebered when my mom, her patterns, and yes, addicts DO get mad at you for being mad at them.
Then I thought, 'What a COMPLETE COWARD he is! But of course he is, he has the emotions of a 15 year old on a good day! What a cowardly piece of S@#T he is! I wonder what it must feel like to go around feeling like a hot, steaming pile of S@#T? It sucks to be him!'
So that's how I feel at this moment. Yeah, hurting, but more angry, and repulsed really. You know, for a second I questioned myself, if in fact I was over-reacting to his drunken calls, mood swings, head and heart games. Then I told myself "NO DAMMIT, you're right to feel angry and offended! What he did was HIGHLY OFFENSIVE, and DISREPSECTFUL!!!! And he did it time and time again! The 'relationship', which he never should have started should have BEEN over.
I'm FINALLY starting to get glimpses that, instead of putting him on some pedestal of 'potential', I saw him today for the hot, steaming, pile of self centered, cowardly S@#T that he is, that HE'S CHOOSING TO BE. He has no integrity, he's manipulative, he's immature, he's not in touch with healthy reality, and he's a jealous B$%tch A**.
Now, I have to keep that perspective of him, not the tall dark, handsome, "equipped", witty, funny, clever, sweet, good kisser "him".
I think I'll think of him as a hot steamy turd gift wrapped in a pretty, seductive package.