Hiya starflier!
welcome to SR and (((hugs)))
Wow, you've got a lot going on! You've found a good place here to start changing some things if that's what you're looking for. Most of us stumble, crawl, crash into recovery in a lot of pain. It's not easy to learn new behaviors and to learn to own only our own stuff 100%, but it is worth it! And it does lead to a better life, and great peace of mind.
I can relate to that feeling of why is this in MY life, I don't drink to excess, it's not MY problem, why do I need recovery!! It's called "denial!" I wonder if what you refer to in your story as "innocence" might not also be looked at as "denial?"
Can you get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? That's a great start. And don't discount AlAnon- when I finally got into AlAnon I was in so much pain I just did what I wish my alcoholic brothers would do "Follow Directions!" and allow for the possibility that hey, wow, the program DOES work if you work it. I could take whatever I could use at the meetings and just leave the rest. Saved my sanity. Changed my life.
Individual therapy/counseling can be a huge help too!
Just remember by the time we are fed up and sick and tired of the dynamic that we have helped create we often want things to change RIGHT NOW!!! Just give yourself some room to breathe, take it one day at a time. You'll find that just focusing on yourself will start to change the atmosphere around you.
Don't waste another minute thinking about or analyzing why she won't go to or stay in an AA meeting. Honestly, it doesn't matter. She can tell you it's anxiety or, it's too uncomfortable, or it's the chicken pox. Quack, quack. Doesn't matter. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. YOU sound ready to begin your recovery. Her recovery will be entirely 100% hers alone.
Just keep reaching out, seeking, and importantly, ACCEPTING help! You'll find your "recovery feet" soon.
Peace, good luck and prayers!!
B.