Just starting a long road
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Just starting a long road
I've been reading all your posts for the past few days, and you've given me the courage to tell my story. I'm sorry it's so long. At the end, I have a few questions if you could be so kind to help me.
My partner and I have been together for 17.5 years. She's 10 years younger than me. I'll be 53 next month. How to put a lifetime into just a few words? I grew up in a very disfunctional family, six kids, abusive mother and distant father, but no alcohol. I knew I was gay by the time I was about 10 years old, but back in those days there wasn't the support there is today.
I ended up marrying a man who was almost 18 years older than me and very abusive. Basically, I married my mother in terms of his personality and behavior. He drank a lot and smoked a lot of pot, and a couple of years into our relationship, he started doing even harder drugs. By the time our first child was born, my EXH was in a pretty bad place. Then, he got religion. Even though this was a strange cult-like form of Christianity, the positive changes it wrought in my EXH were so enormous, I agreed to join as well. He was no longer drinking or doing drugs, and he was much calmer.
Hard to keep this short, but during the course of the next 14 years we stayed in this cult and we had a total of 5 children, but one died of crib death. Meanwhile, my EXH was still abusive, even with the religion. He punched me in the face whenever I disagreed with him, even if I was holding a baby. He was verbally and emotionally abusive as well. What finally gave me the courage to leave him was that I fell in love with my best friend and we had an affair. For the first time in my life, I knew what it felt like to be loved. She had a family and her own problems, so our affair was brief, but just that understanding that I was worth way more than my EXH wanted me to know, gave me the strength to leave him and the religion. When you have been abused that long, and you have four children and no career, leaving is hard.
A few months later, I met my present partner. I was 35 years old, but extremely naive. My partner (I'll call her AP) was only 25, very worldly and experienced. I was astonished that every activity with her had to be accompanied by alcohol. My life had been devoid of alcohol for so long, that I couldn't recognize her behavior was extreme. But, after a couple of weeks, it became clear to me that she was an alcoholic. I broke up with her. She began coming to my apartment and banging on my windows, climbing the downspouts, and bothering my neighbors. Stupid me, I let her back into my life.
When I think back over all the years we've been together now, I am still amazed that I've been so innocent. I was obviously primed for this relationship by all my previous experiences, so incidents that would horrify a normal, whole person, I just process with equanimity and the idea that "tomorrow will come and it will be better." And, almost without fail, throughout my life, tomorrow is better. My AP stuck with me through some pretty bad life moments, like the drowning death of my oldest child, and I have always felt that I needed to stick with her through her problems. Difference is that most of her problems were of her own making.
I'm sure none of you need a litany of my experiences with my AP. You can picture the wrecking of vehicles, the DUIs, the disappearing on weekends when she was supposed to help me at our business, the embarrassment in front of children, the inability to tell the truth, but always the constant lovabilty and the support of my hopes and dreams that continued to make me feel valued. It didn't matter what I wanted to do, start a new business, move a thousand miles away, start another new business, whatever it was she supported me and made me feel like I could do it. As she was almost constantly drunk all these years, it's surprising to me how much energy she had to physically help me in those endeavors as well as just tell me how much she believed in me.
Many times I have realized that I am her enabler. I make sure all the bills get paid, if she's passed out drunk, I make sure the trash is out at the curb. I drive the car and buy the groceries. She does some things, like laundry, dishes, etc., but there's no consistency. I never know what she'll do or not. If she's drinking heavily on a weekend, she may move all the furniture and clean the baseboards, or she might disappear and I might not see her for a couple of days as she "slums it" and wastes money with her crack friends.
I think the worst thing I do is that I buy the wine that is stocked in the house so she won't get in trouble going out to get it. I lie to myself that having wine in the house will stop her from going out in public drunk. It's not true. Two days ago she spent the morning at home getting drunk, then rode her bike down a busy hill road, crashed at the bottom, and a woman I know called the fire department. Then, the woman recognized my AP, and called me. I take the bus to work, so I took a cab home, got my car, and picked up my AP and her bike. It was extremely embarrassing.
When we got back home, I know better than to talk to a drunk person, but it was very irritating to listen to her talk about how much fun that all was. I told her, "No, that was not fun. That was the exact opposite of fun." Still no apology, and I know it won't happen. She looks on those experiences as adventures, and seems incapable of seeing how they affect me and has no embarrassment of how she appears to others.
Okay, I'll wind this down, as I could go on for too long. After all these years, good times and bad, we have stuck together, sometimes one doing more financial support than the other, but I've always known she wouldn't let me down in the end. I love her terribly. But, I know that I deserve a better life. I deserve an equal partner. I have a long road to go to heal myself, and I need to get started.
I told her two weeks ago when she disappeared overnight that if she ever does that again, I will leave her. I am unsure how to progress to make that happen, but I will do it. She's been home every night since then.
I have prepared a letter to give to her that says in order for us to stay together she must stop drinking and begin an honest recovery program. She's tried a few things over the years, but allowed herself to fail. I don't want any more excuses this time, just results. In my letter, I say that we need to talk about how this all happens. What the boundaries are and what happens if they're crossed. In the letter, I say that all alcohol must disappear from the house and I will no longer buy it. I haven't given her the letter yet because I need some help in knowing if it's written properly and also how to carry through with the steps.
If my AP agrees to stop and says she will go into recovery, I need some help understanding how to enforce what the letter says. One major problem is that her half-brother is arriving to stay with us for the summer. He's from overseas, 22 years old, and speaks very little English. My AP barely knows him, and is excited about getting to know him. She says he is a light drinker. How do I handle the fact that if she agrees to stop drinking she's going to say she wants to start after her brother leaves? I know she's going to need some detox time and it will be hard while he's here, but I'm not convinced it's impossible. It might even be the best time for her to start recovery because he'll be here to distract her.
If you want to read the letter, I'll post it here as I would really value the critique and support.
Thank you so very much!
My partner and I have been together for 17.5 years. She's 10 years younger than me. I'll be 53 next month. How to put a lifetime into just a few words? I grew up in a very disfunctional family, six kids, abusive mother and distant father, but no alcohol. I knew I was gay by the time I was about 10 years old, but back in those days there wasn't the support there is today.
I ended up marrying a man who was almost 18 years older than me and very abusive. Basically, I married my mother in terms of his personality and behavior. He drank a lot and smoked a lot of pot, and a couple of years into our relationship, he started doing even harder drugs. By the time our first child was born, my EXH was in a pretty bad place. Then, he got religion. Even though this was a strange cult-like form of Christianity, the positive changes it wrought in my EXH were so enormous, I agreed to join as well. He was no longer drinking or doing drugs, and he was much calmer.
Hard to keep this short, but during the course of the next 14 years we stayed in this cult and we had a total of 5 children, but one died of crib death. Meanwhile, my EXH was still abusive, even with the religion. He punched me in the face whenever I disagreed with him, even if I was holding a baby. He was verbally and emotionally abusive as well. What finally gave me the courage to leave him was that I fell in love with my best friend and we had an affair. For the first time in my life, I knew what it felt like to be loved. She had a family and her own problems, so our affair was brief, but just that understanding that I was worth way more than my EXH wanted me to know, gave me the strength to leave him and the religion. When you have been abused that long, and you have four children and no career, leaving is hard.
A few months later, I met my present partner. I was 35 years old, but extremely naive. My partner (I'll call her AP) was only 25, very worldly and experienced. I was astonished that every activity with her had to be accompanied by alcohol. My life had been devoid of alcohol for so long, that I couldn't recognize her behavior was extreme. But, after a couple of weeks, it became clear to me that she was an alcoholic. I broke up with her. She began coming to my apartment and banging on my windows, climbing the downspouts, and bothering my neighbors. Stupid me, I let her back into my life.
When I think back over all the years we've been together now, I am still amazed that I've been so innocent. I was obviously primed for this relationship by all my previous experiences, so incidents that would horrify a normal, whole person, I just process with equanimity and the idea that "tomorrow will come and it will be better." And, almost without fail, throughout my life, tomorrow is better. My AP stuck with me through some pretty bad life moments, like the drowning death of my oldest child, and I have always felt that I needed to stick with her through her problems. Difference is that most of her problems were of her own making.
I'm sure none of you need a litany of my experiences with my AP. You can picture the wrecking of vehicles, the DUIs, the disappearing on weekends when she was supposed to help me at our business, the embarrassment in front of children, the inability to tell the truth, but always the constant lovabilty and the support of my hopes and dreams that continued to make me feel valued. It didn't matter what I wanted to do, start a new business, move a thousand miles away, start another new business, whatever it was she supported me and made me feel like I could do it. As she was almost constantly drunk all these years, it's surprising to me how much energy she had to physically help me in those endeavors as well as just tell me how much she believed in me.
Many times I have realized that I am her enabler. I make sure all the bills get paid, if she's passed out drunk, I make sure the trash is out at the curb. I drive the car and buy the groceries. She does some things, like laundry, dishes, etc., but there's no consistency. I never know what she'll do or not. If she's drinking heavily on a weekend, she may move all the furniture and clean the baseboards, or she might disappear and I might not see her for a couple of days as she "slums it" and wastes money with her crack friends.
I think the worst thing I do is that I buy the wine that is stocked in the house so she won't get in trouble going out to get it. I lie to myself that having wine in the house will stop her from going out in public drunk. It's not true. Two days ago she spent the morning at home getting drunk, then rode her bike down a busy hill road, crashed at the bottom, and a woman I know called the fire department. Then, the woman recognized my AP, and called me. I take the bus to work, so I took a cab home, got my car, and picked up my AP and her bike. It was extremely embarrassing.
When we got back home, I know better than to talk to a drunk person, but it was very irritating to listen to her talk about how much fun that all was. I told her, "No, that was not fun. That was the exact opposite of fun." Still no apology, and I know it won't happen. She looks on those experiences as adventures, and seems incapable of seeing how they affect me and has no embarrassment of how she appears to others.
Okay, I'll wind this down, as I could go on for too long. After all these years, good times and bad, we have stuck together, sometimes one doing more financial support than the other, but I've always known she wouldn't let me down in the end. I love her terribly. But, I know that I deserve a better life. I deserve an equal partner. I have a long road to go to heal myself, and I need to get started.
I told her two weeks ago when she disappeared overnight that if she ever does that again, I will leave her. I am unsure how to progress to make that happen, but I will do it. She's been home every night since then.
I have prepared a letter to give to her that says in order for us to stay together she must stop drinking and begin an honest recovery program. She's tried a few things over the years, but allowed herself to fail. I don't want any more excuses this time, just results. In my letter, I say that we need to talk about how this all happens. What the boundaries are and what happens if they're crossed. In the letter, I say that all alcohol must disappear from the house and I will no longer buy it. I haven't given her the letter yet because I need some help in knowing if it's written properly and also how to carry through with the steps.
If my AP agrees to stop and says she will go into recovery, I need some help understanding how to enforce what the letter says. One major problem is that her half-brother is arriving to stay with us for the summer. He's from overseas, 22 years old, and speaks very little English. My AP barely knows him, and is excited about getting to know him. She says he is a light drinker. How do I handle the fact that if she agrees to stop drinking she's going to say she wants to start after her brother leaves? I know she's going to need some detox time and it will be hard while he's here, but I'm not convinced it's impossible. It might even be the best time for her to start recovery because he'll be here to distract her.
If you want to read the letter, I'll post it here as I would really value the critique and support.
Thank you so very much!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 65
Wow, welcome to SR there is so many wonderful people here with a lot of great advice. A question I have for you is have you gone to any Alanon meetings? You are correct when you say you need to set boundaries but more importantly you need to stick to these boundaries.
I didn’t read anywhere in your post about your A accepting the fact that she needs to stop drinking and that she has a problem. One thing you need to understand is that this disease is powerful, and she will not succeed in her recovery if it is not something that she truly sees as a problem, and honestly really wants to stop herself. It does not sound like she has a problem with what she is doing, sounds like she is having fun still.
I wish you the best of luck, I am sorry you are going through this. You are right when you say you are starting a long road. There are no easy answers when it comes to this disease.
I didn’t read anywhere in your post about your A accepting the fact that she needs to stop drinking and that she has a problem. One thing you need to understand is that this disease is powerful, and she will not succeed in her recovery if it is not something that she truly sees as a problem, and honestly really wants to stop herself. It does not sound like she has a problem with what she is doing, sounds like she is having fun still.
I wish you the best of luck, I am sorry you are going through this. You are right when you say you are starting a long road. There are no easy answers when it comes to this disease.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Thank you, Kay1234. No, I have not gone to any alanon meetings yet. For the longest time, whenever I thought of going to one, I felt resentment because it was like, "This isn't my problem! Why should I go to a meeting?" I've only recently begun to understand that I have my own problem, and alanon is for me! I am planning on going to my first meeting next week.
My AP readily admits to being an alcoholic. Sometimes I think she wears the label as some kind of a badge where she can't get blamed, it's not her fault, after all, she's an alcoholic. She also has severe anxiety disorder, so excuses herself from AA meetings or, the one time she went to rehab, she left early as the group therapy meetings were too much for her. You're right, she's still having fun, so giving her this letter and setting expectations is going to be a showdown. I just hope I am ready to do what it takes.
My AP readily admits to being an alcoholic. Sometimes I think she wears the label as some kind of a badge where she can't get blamed, it's not her fault, after all, she's an alcoholic. She also has severe anxiety disorder, so excuses herself from AA meetings or, the one time she went to rehab, she left early as the group therapy meetings were too much for her. You're right, she's still having fun, so giving her this letter and setting expectations is going to be a showdown. I just hope I am ready to do what it takes.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 65
I think you are ready. I felt like that for a long time too with the alanon meetings, I think that is normal. Has she seen anybody in regards to the anxiety? Just remember that whatever expectations you set...stick to them, it is easier said than done but it is important. We are here for you if you need any help...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya starflier!
welcome to SR and (((hugs)))
Wow, you've got a lot going on! You've found a good place here to start changing some things if that's what you're looking for. Most of us stumble, crawl, crash into recovery in a lot of pain. It's not easy to learn new behaviors and to learn to own only our own stuff 100%, but it is worth it! And it does lead to a better life, and great peace of mind.
I can relate to that feeling of why is this in MY life, I don't drink to excess, it's not MY problem, why do I need recovery!! It's called "denial!" I wonder if what you refer to in your story as "innocence" might not also be looked at as "denial?"
Can you get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? That's a great start. And don't discount AlAnon- when I finally got into AlAnon I was in so much pain I just did what I wish my alcoholic brothers would do "Follow Directions!" and allow for the possibility that hey, wow, the program DOES work if you work it. I could take whatever I could use at the meetings and just leave the rest. Saved my sanity. Changed my life.
Individual therapy/counseling can be a huge help too!
Just remember by the time we are fed up and sick and tired of the dynamic that we have helped create we often want things to change RIGHT NOW!!! Just give yourself some room to breathe, take it one day at a time. You'll find that just focusing on yourself will start to change the atmosphere around you.
Don't waste another minute thinking about or analyzing why she won't go to or stay in an AA meeting. Honestly, it doesn't matter. She can tell you it's anxiety or, it's too uncomfortable, or it's the chicken pox. Quack, quack. Doesn't matter. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. YOU sound ready to begin your recovery. Her recovery will be entirely 100% hers alone.
Just keep reaching out, seeking, and importantly, ACCEPTING help! You'll find your "recovery feet" soon.
Peace, good luck and prayers!!
B.
welcome to SR and (((hugs)))
Wow, you've got a lot going on! You've found a good place here to start changing some things if that's what you're looking for. Most of us stumble, crawl, crash into recovery in a lot of pain. It's not easy to learn new behaviors and to learn to own only our own stuff 100%, but it is worth it! And it does lead to a better life, and great peace of mind.
I can relate to that feeling of why is this in MY life, I don't drink to excess, it's not MY problem, why do I need recovery!! It's called "denial!" I wonder if what you refer to in your story as "innocence" might not also be looked at as "denial?"
Can you get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? That's a great start. And don't discount AlAnon- when I finally got into AlAnon I was in so much pain I just did what I wish my alcoholic brothers would do "Follow Directions!" and allow for the possibility that hey, wow, the program DOES work if you work it. I could take whatever I could use at the meetings and just leave the rest. Saved my sanity. Changed my life.
Individual therapy/counseling can be a huge help too!
Just remember by the time we are fed up and sick and tired of the dynamic that we have helped create we often want things to change RIGHT NOW!!! Just give yourself some room to breathe, take it one day at a time. You'll find that just focusing on yourself will start to change the atmosphere around you.
Don't waste another minute thinking about or analyzing why she won't go to or stay in an AA meeting. Honestly, it doesn't matter. She can tell you it's anxiety or, it's too uncomfortable, or it's the chicken pox. Quack, quack. Doesn't matter. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. YOU sound ready to begin your recovery. Her recovery will be entirely 100% hers alone.
Just keep reaching out, seeking, and importantly, ACCEPTING help! You'll find your "recovery feet" soon.
Peace, good luck and prayers!!
B.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I know this is a difficult place to be having been there myself. I told my STBXAH that he had to stop drinking and seek recovery or we wouldn't be together. Well...he did for about 6 months (that I know of). Then he started up again secretly and continues to drink even now. He no longer lives with me and we are getting separated. (He crossed my boundary and that was the final straw for me.) You can only change YOUR behavior. Maybe stop buying wine, stop saving her when she has accidents...it's going to continue to be fun for her until she has to face her own consequences. The problem as Kay mentions is that the decision to drink or not drink must be hers or recovery probably won't work. Your boundaries need to be YOURS, and they are not up for discussion. Really look at your boundaries and determine what you want as a consequence if the line is crossed. It sounds easy to state a boundary, but it is much harder to enforce the consequence. Hang in there. Please continue to post and read the sticky posts at the top. A therapist or Alanon might also help you to work through some of this, especially your upbringing and subsequent relationships. Many of us here are "repeat offenders" in the relationship department. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey Starflier....welcome to SR. We are all here to give and get support and I have found that it really really helps keep MY recovery a priority!
I found that understanding my own behaviors and how I enabled my RA son with his addiction was extremely eye opening. The concept of setting boundaries and holding to them was VERY foreign to me and I had a lot of trouble with it initially. (I also grew up in an alcohol free but very disfunctional family.) I still will do something that is TOTALLY codie-ish and my husband or daughter gently point it out to me.
Begin doing your part, but if she is not focusing on recovery herself, I would be willing to bet that she will become very angry. You have lovingly helped her out of multiple jams so that she doesn't have to deal with the consequences. When you stop doing that, it's going to place those consequences squarely in her lap and she will most likely be resentful. Unfortunately, that's just how it works. Be prepared for that and don't fall for the guilt, blame, and crap she will lay on you to try to get YOU to do what you have always done in the past for her. Alcoholics can really pull some doozies out of their brains to try to manipulate our behavior!
Stick around. SR is a great place for support and insight. I have learned soooooooo much from all of the people here.
gentle hugs
from a little south of Seattle ;-)
I found that understanding my own behaviors and how I enabled my RA son with his addiction was extremely eye opening. The concept of setting boundaries and holding to them was VERY foreign to me and I had a lot of trouble with it initially. (I also grew up in an alcohol free but very disfunctional family.) I still will do something that is TOTALLY codie-ish and my husband or daughter gently point it out to me.
Begin doing your part, but if she is not focusing on recovery herself, I would be willing to bet that she will become very angry. You have lovingly helped her out of multiple jams so that she doesn't have to deal with the consequences. When you stop doing that, it's going to place those consequences squarely in her lap and she will most likely be resentful. Unfortunately, that's just how it works. Be prepared for that and don't fall for the guilt, blame, and crap she will lay on you to try to get YOU to do what you have always done in the past for her. Alcoholics can really pull some doozies out of their brains to try to manipulate our behavior!
Stick around. SR is a great place for support and insight. I have learned soooooooo much from all of the people here.
gentle hugs
from a little south of Seattle ;-)
Last edited by Kindeyes; 06-26-2008 at 12:32 PM. Reason: cuz I had more to say......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Oh, my, you people are fabulous! I just came back from lunch with my oldest daughter. She's 29 and a truly remarkable person. I talked this all through with her, and ended up having to leave the restaurant so I wouldn't burst into tears. It is so hard to contemplate leaving my AP because I love her dearly, and fear for her life if she's alone, but ultimately I must face the consequences of setting boundaries. If I can't face the idea of being without her, how will I ever be free? I know that intellectually, but it will sure help having all of you by my side when the time comes.
I have so little hope that she will ever recover. I wish I had more hope, but I don't. I feel like I need to give her this one last chance because really, it's the only chance I'm giving her. All the other times were just practice runs. I'll give her the letter this afternoon and let you know how it goes. I found a therapist that's covered by our insurance, and I'm going to call her for an appointment for myself.
Thank you very, very much for all the kind, helpful words.
I have so little hope that she will ever recover. I wish I had more hope, but I don't. I feel like I need to give her this one last chance because really, it's the only chance I'm giving her. All the other times were just practice runs. I'll give her the letter this afternoon and let you know how it goes. I found a therapist that's covered by our insurance, and I'm going to call her for an appointment for myself.
Thank you very, very much for all the kind, helpful words.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
hi starflier,
Thanks for your post. You have a lot to deal with right now, hm?
I know that one of the wisest and coolest and most helpful things I ever did for myself was find a therapist/counselor who had experience with victims of abuse and with alcoholism. He was the one who was able to show me my own behaviors, show me how prior abuse had numbed me so much that current abuse didn't seem objectionable -- it just seemed normal.
I'm sure you love her. But it doesn't sound like she takes your feelings into account much, if at all, when choosing her actions. You have enabled her for so long that you are simply a convenience, and that didn't seem abnormal to you....until now.
I occasionally go back to my counselor (about 1-2 times per year) because it's "me time", something I do to fine-tune myself so I remain happy. That's how much I liked it, and how much help it was to me.
Consider talking through your options and your experiences with someone like that. When you open the channels of communication within, and start focusing on yourself rather than on someone else's needs, a whole new wellspring of joy can pop into your life.
Good luck with your letter.
You are doing the right thing for yourself AND for her, but mostly for yourself. And that's important. You have another 25-40 years left on this beautiful planet, and it would be great if you could devote it all to experiencing as little stress and as much joy as possible.
Thanks for your post. You have a lot to deal with right now, hm?
I know that one of the wisest and coolest and most helpful things I ever did for myself was find a therapist/counselor who had experience with victims of abuse and with alcoholism. He was the one who was able to show me my own behaviors, show me how prior abuse had numbed me so much that current abuse didn't seem objectionable -- it just seemed normal.
I'm sure you love her. But it doesn't sound like she takes your feelings into account much, if at all, when choosing her actions. You have enabled her for so long that you are simply a convenience, and that didn't seem abnormal to you....until now.
I occasionally go back to my counselor (about 1-2 times per year) because it's "me time", something I do to fine-tune myself so I remain happy. That's how much I liked it, and how much help it was to me.
Consider talking through your options and your experiences with someone like that. When you open the channels of communication within, and start focusing on yourself rather than on someone else's needs, a whole new wellspring of joy can pop into your life.
Good luck with your letter.
You are doing the right thing for yourself AND for her, but mostly for yourself. And that's important. You have another 25-40 years left on this beautiful planet, and it would be great if you could devote it all to experiencing as little stress and as much joy as possible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Update on the therapist: I called the one who was closest to my home and specializes in, among other things, codependency, and she's closing her office in a month so I need to shop some more. I'm going to my first Alanon meeting on Monday evening, so maybe someone will have a recommendation for me.
I gave my AP the letter yesterday and then left to take the dog for a walk. When I returned, she didn't want to talk about it. I pressed her a little, and she said, "So, it's obvious, right? I have to stop the drinking." I had so much I wanted to say, and I felt the urge to deliver a lecture, but I just basically reiterated parts of what I'd said in the letter that it wasn't even so much about her any more; for once it's about my needs and my needs do not include living with a practicing alcoholic. I told her that she needs to stop, but also to begin an honest recovery program, because just quitting cold turkey doesn't work, she's done that lots of times before. We left it at that, had supper, watched a video and went to bed.
This morning, I have the day off from work to run errands in the morning and pick up her brother from the airport this afternoon. She saw me going around the kitchen putting liquor into a bag, and just basically told me that she's not prepared to quit while her brother is here. I told her that we both know she can't control her drinking. For her, one drink is one too many. I repeated that my life is not going to include her if she drinks. I told her that I understand she needs to detox, and how hard that would be with her brother here. Neither of us knows how long he's staying, maybe two months. An awful lot can happen in two months.
I wish I'd had one of you folks with me whispering in my ear and telling me what to do. She knows I'm not going to buy alcohol any longer. I will also not have a drink myself around her so it will be that much more irritating to have her drinking. And, I told her I'm starting Aanon on Monday. I made sure to tell her that's for me, not her. She gave me a pile of promises about how she's going to behave herself, but even though I know her intentions are good, they're meaningless promises. I told her, "I guess we're just going to let this run its course." I told her that we need to hire a realtor, and left the room to go type this up, then I'm going for breakfast with my sister. I'm not taking the liquor with me. I know she's panicking in a large part because of her anxiety disorder and the fear of meeting her brother. I am totally unsure of how to behave around her. I'm terribly unhappy, but it's because of her so I don't want to be that way. I just feel glum.
I'm okay for the weekend like this, in limbo, but I'm looking forward to my first meeting and the arrival of my codependency book. I need to start concentrating on myself and getting healthy.
Any tips anyone has for me on how to handle the next few days are greatly appreciated. And, feedback about how I handled things so far is also helpful.
Thank you.
I gave my AP the letter yesterday and then left to take the dog for a walk. When I returned, she didn't want to talk about it. I pressed her a little, and she said, "So, it's obvious, right? I have to stop the drinking." I had so much I wanted to say, and I felt the urge to deliver a lecture, but I just basically reiterated parts of what I'd said in the letter that it wasn't even so much about her any more; for once it's about my needs and my needs do not include living with a practicing alcoholic. I told her that she needs to stop, but also to begin an honest recovery program, because just quitting cold turkey doesn't work, she's done that lots of times before. We left it at that, had supper, watched a video and went to bed.
This morning, I have the day off from work to run errands in the morning and pick up her brother from the airport this afternoon. She saw me going around the kitchen putting liquor into a bag, and just basically told me that she's not prepared to quit while her brother is here. I told her that we both know she can't control her drinking. For her, one drink is one too many. I repeated that my life is not going to include her if she drinks. I told her that I understand she needs to detox, and how hard that would be with her brother here. Neither of us knows how long he's staying, maybe two months. An awful lot can happen in two months.
I wish I'd had one of you folks with me whispering in my ear and telling me what to do. She knows I'm not going to buy alcohol any longer. I will also not have a drink myself around her so it will be that much more irritating to have her drinking. And, I told her I'm starting Aanon on Monday. I made sure to tell her that's for me, not her. She gave me a pile of promises about how she's going to behave herself, but even though I know her intentions are good, they're meaningless promises. I told her, "I guess we're just going to let this run its course." I told her that we need to hire a realtor, and left the room to go type this up, then I'm going for breakfast with my sister. I'm not taking the liquor with me. I know she's panicking in a large part because of her anxiety disorder and the fear of meeting her brother. I am totally unsure of how to behave around her. I'm terribly unhappy, but it's because of her so I don't want to be that way. I just feel glum.
I'm okay for the weekend like this, in limbo, but I'm looking forward to my first meeting and the arrival of my codependency book. I need to start concentrating on myself and getting healthy.
Any tips anyone has for me on how to handle the next few days are greatly appreciated. And, feedback about how I handled things so far is also helpful.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sounds like you are acting in your own best interest. Good for you. Learning about alcoholism and taking action for yourself is a great beginning.
Something to keep in mind is that only she can decide if she is ready to begin recovery. Those who start recovery programs because others push them into it instead of because they want to do it for themselves do not have a high success record.
All you can do is set your boundaries and act as you need to for yourself.
Something to keep in mind is that only she can decide if she is ready to begin recovery. Those who start recovery programs because others push them into it instead of because they want to do it for themselves do not have a high success record.
All you can do is set your boundaries and act as you need to for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Wow! It sounds like you are committed to YOUR recovery and are doing all of the right things. I ditto what Barbara52 said with one addition.....by getting into recovery yourself and taking care of YOU, you are allowing her to feel the consequences of her drinking. Up until this time, she has had no reason to quit because you were cleaning up her messes for her. And most likely, someone before you (friends, family, etc) was doing it for her. It gives her the best chance of WANTING to get into recovery when she no longer has someone minimizing the affects of her drinking.
Ultimately our motives to recover from codependency is for ourselves because we can no longer handle the chaos and damage that alcoholism brings to our lives. But the side effects can be allowing the A to feel the consequences and finally feel their life spiraling out of control (since we are no longer controlling it for them). And THAT is step one to their recovery. It will either wake them up or they will continue to spiral downward........either way.......it is out of OUR control and it is their choice. The latter is difficult to watch but necessary......it's difficult to resist the urge to intervene.
If we continue to protect them from themselves and the effects of alcohol, we are complicit in the progression of the disease. That was a hard truth that took me a while to swallow.
gentle hugs
Ultimately our motives to recover from codependency is for ourselves because we can no longer handle the chaos and damage that alcoholism brings to our lives. But the side effects can be allowing the A to feel the consequences and finally feel their life spiraling out of control (since we are no longer controlling it for them). And THAT is step one to their recovery. It will either wake them up or they will continue to spiral downward........either way.......it is out of OUR control and it is their choice. The latter is difficult to watch but necessary......it's difficult to resist the urge to intervene.
If we continue to protect them from themselves and the effects of alcohol, we are complicit in the progression of the disease. That was a hard truth that took me a while to swallow.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya starflier--
Sending you a shot of courage for the upcoming days!!
You sound very clear-headed and resolute,
I agree with B-52 and Kindeyes 100%.
I am totally unsure of how to behave around her. I'm terribly unhappy, but it's because of her so I don't want to be that way. I just feel glum.
When I first started really changing my codie behavior I remember feeling really strange to myself. Kind of "floaty" and disconnected. And I was. Because once I stopped the old behaviors I didn't know what to do, or how to feel! It was sooooooooooooo weird. I mean if I wasn't gonna react anymore, take bait, offer to "help," turn a blind eye, offer "what I think you should do," rescue, etc., what was I to do??
The answer for me was Do Nothing. I had to become an observer for a while. Having spent so much time and energy engaging in my brothers and my exH's problems I hadn't been seeing the forest for the trees, FOR YEARS, and most importantly I didn't know who I was or what I wanted or what I should be doing to get there!
My new favorite phrases were "Hunh." and "Oh." and "No."
You've made some real changes.
You're not buying her liquor anymore.
You're not cleaning up after her anymore.
You still open your home to her brother, and how she chooses to deal with that is how she chooses to deal with it.
Timing is what it is.
You've made these changes NOW because YOU need these changes for yourself NOW.
If you start feeling anxious just remember: easy does it! Take a deep breath, shine the light on yourself, and keep this thought you posted at the front of your mind: I need to start concentrating on myself and getting healthy.
Good luck with AlAnon and congratulations on these first steps. It is not easy, but you're not alone!!
Peace,
B.
Sending you a shot of courage for the upcoming days!!
You sound very clear-headed and resolute,
I agree with B-52 and Kindeyes 100%.
I am totally unsure of how to behave around her. I'm terribly unhappy, but it's because of her so I don't want to be that way. I just feel glum.
When I first started really changing my codie behavior I remember feeling really strange to myself. Kind of "floaty" and disconnected. And I was. Because once I stopped the old behaviors I didn't know what to do, or how to feel! It was sooooooooooooo weird. I mean if I wasn't gonna react anymore, take bait, offer to "help," turn a blind eye, offer "what I think you should do," rescue, etc., what was I to do??
The answer for me was Do Nothing. I had to become an observer for a while. Having spent so much time and energy engaging in my brothers and my exH's problems I hadn't been seeing the forest for the trees, FOR YEARS, and most importantly I didn't know who I was or what I wanted or what I should be doing to get there!
My new favorite phrases were "Hunh." and "Oh." and "No."
You've made some real changes.
You're not buying her liquor anymore.
You're not cleaning up after her anymore.
You still open your home to her brother, and how she chooses to deal with that is how she chooses to deal with it.
Timing is what it is.
You've made these changes NOW because YOU need these changes for yourself NOW.
If you start feeling anxious just remember: easy does it! Take a deep breath, shine the light on yourself, and keep this thought you posted at the front of your mind: I need to start concentrating on myself and getting healthy.
Good luck with AlAnon and congratulations on these first steps. It is not easy, but you're not alone!!
Peace,
B.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Starflier, let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a really great place with lots of experience, strength and hope (ES&H).
Let me tell you what happened to me. I am both a recovering alcoholic and a recovering codie.
When I was 29 the Doctors told my husband and parents that if I did not quit drinking I would be dead by the time I was 30. Did that stop me? NOPE.
When I was 33 1/2 (and divorced) my parents told me in no uncertain terms that they would have no more contact with me until I took care of MY PROBLEM. You know what? They meant it. If I called on the phone they hung up, if I appeared at their door it was shut in my face.
It took me another 2 1/2 years to get sober and the last 1 1/2 years was living on the streets of Hollyweird. She will survive with or without you, but.....................will you?
Later in recovery when my Mom and I sat down and talked, she said that they just couldn't help me any more and watch me deteriorate that if they did they would end up in padded rooms speaking babble. I understood then, I didn't understand when I was drinking and their abandonment of me just gave me another excuse to keep drinking at first.
Do what you need to do for YOU. She will survive.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
I have so little hope that she will ever recover. I wish I had more hope, but I don't. I feel like I need to give her this one last chance because really, it's the only chance I'm giving her.
When I was 29 the Doctors told my husband and parents that if I did not quit drinking I would be dead by the time I was 30. Did that stop me? NOPE.
When I was 33 1/2 (and divorced) my parents told me in no uncertain terms that they would have no more contact with me until I took care of MY PROBLEM. You know what? They meant it. If I called on the phone they hung up, if I appeared at their door it was shut in my face.
It took me another 2 1/2 years to get sober and the last 1 1/2 years was living on the streets of Hollyweird. She will survive with or without you, but.....................will you?
Later in recovery when my Mom and I sat down and talked, she said that they just couldn't help me any more and watch me deteriorate that if they did they would end up in padded rooms speaking babble. I understood then, I didn't understand when I was drinking and their abandonment of me just gave me another excuse to keep drinking at first.
Do what you need to do for YOU. She will survive.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Thank you again to all of you for your kind and helpful words. This is definitely going to be a strange, educational journey, to say the least. I received my codependency book today (so soon! yay amazon!) but I've only had time to read about 20 pages. I think I'll read more in the middle of the night tonight. I have SO much to learn.
I know I am a control freak. Definitely had that sink in today. Interesting experience watching myself from the outside, and realizing how much of what "works right" in our lives only because I control every detail. How to stop that? Like I say, lots to learn.
I made mistakes today, for one, we took the brother to a restaurant and while I was reserving the table, my AP went to the bar and ordered 3 mojitos. Of course, the brother doesn't know anything, and she handed them to us and made a toast to him. What was I supposed to do? I drank the toast, and then drank the mojito. I was hot and thirsty and it was good. Then I felt so guilty I almost vomited and was hard pressed not to be in a bad mood all through the meal. Turns out he's here for three months. Oh, boy.
Tonight, I'm going to bed early and setting my alarm for the middle of the night. I want to read most of my book tonight so maybe I'll do a better job with myself tomorrow.
Still, I already see a lot more than I did even a few days ago.
Thanks again and peace to you all.
I know I am a control freak. Definitely had that sink in today. Interesting experience watching myself from the outside, and realizing how much of what "works right" in our lives only because I control every detail. How to stop that? Like I say, lots to learn.
I made mistakes today, for one, we took the brother to a restaurant and while I was reserving the table, my AP went to the bar and ordered 3 mojitos. Of course, the brother doesn't know anything, and she handed them to us and made a toast to him. What was I supposed to do? I drank the toast, and then drank the mojito. I was hot and thirsty and it was good. Then I felt so guilty I almost vomited and was hard pressed not to be in a bad mood all through the meal. Turns out he's here for three months. Oh, boy.
Tonight, I'm going to bed early and setting my alarm for the middle of the night. I want to read most of my book tonight so maybe I'll do a better job with myself tomorrow.
Still, I already see a lot more than I did even a few days ago.
Thanks again and peace to you all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 63
Hi Starflier,
I'm so sorry for your loss of 2 ? children ?.....one to crib death and you said an older one drowned ?
I'm sorry if I didn't remember that right.
God, those must have been crushing losses.
Re: your AP.
It sounds like you are on the right track....
Remember you have a Huge support system here at this board on Your side.
I wanted to ask about something. You said your AP had a "fear of meeting her brother"...
That sounds like she hadn't met him before !
Or had she just not seen him in a long time and was just dreading facing him if she was expected to stop drinking while he was there ?
Oh boy....her brother will be there 3 months ?....but she doesn't want to try to stop drinking with him there ?
I'd suggest not waiting that long to expect her to begin respecting the boundaries you set and/or honoring what you requested in the letter.
I bought Codependant No More last night but have only had a chance to glance thru it here at home.
I did stand there in the bookstore about 30 minutes reading it and here and there I'd read something that really hit home.
What's been initially odd for me is thinking of my behavior as controlling.
But if the A in one's life is always expecting you to do certain things for them, rescue them as if they were an invalid.....Yeah...You're doing WAY too much....you're taking responsibility Away from them.
My AH's behavior isn't full blown (yet).....no DWI's or PI's.....and is not verbally abusive on any kind of routine basis.
He isn't always verbally abusive when he does drink.
I'm wondering if I back WAY off now....stop reacting verbally when he arrives home, having driven Himself home drunk.
Let the weight of responsibility descend Now.
Just say Nothing.....in fact Ignore the fact that he's potted and go about my business around the house with what interests me instead of sitting here, Very pissed off wondering whether he'll be sober or drunk when he comes in.
Wed. afternoon I spoke to someone who is a sponsor at one of the al-anon meetings here and the message I kept hearing was.....Back Off from reacting at all.
It is NOT my problem.
By letting all of any consequences of his drinking fall into his lap....he will eventually have to deal with the results.
He has to be allowed to travel down his own destructive path alone with no input from me.
That, in a way, was a big relief for me to hear.
I said "I can stop putting things I want to do and my life in general On Hold.....because of his bad alcohol choices."
And she said "Exactly".
I'll meet her when I go to a meeting a week from this coming Tuesday.
I didn't mean to ramble on......all this info from everyone's experiences and advice here kind of feels like someone is lifting weight off of me that I've been Dragging around too long.....
His drinking, and the results, are NOT my problem !
I've already told my MIL what I've learned so far and she is 100% on board with it.
Good luck, Starflier !
I'm so sorry for your loss of 2 ? children ?.....one to crib death and you said an older one drowned ?
I'm sorry if I didn't remember that right.
God, those must have been crushing losses.
Re: your AP.
It sounds like you are on the right track....
Remember you have a Huge support system here at this board on Your side.
I wanted to ask about something. You said your AP had a "fear of meeting her brother"...
That sounds like she hadn't met him before !
Or had she just not seen him in a long time and was just dreading facing him if she was expected to stop drinking while he was there ?
Oh boy....her brother will be there 3 months ?....but she doesn't want to try to stop drinking with him there ?
I'd suggest not waiting that long to expect her to begin respecting the boundaries you set and/or honoring what you requested in the letter.
I bought Codependant No More last night but have only had a chance to glance thru it here at home.
I did stand there in the bookstore about 30 minutes reading it and here and there I'd read something that really hit home.
What's been initially odd for me is thinking of my behavior as controlling.
But if the A in one's life is always expecting you to do certain things for them, rescue them as if they were an invalid.....Yeah...You're doing WAY too much....you're taking responsibility Away from them.
My AH's behavior isn't full blown (yet).....no DWI's or PI's.....and is not verbally abusive on any kind of routine basis.
He isn't always verbally abusive when he does drink.
I'm wondering if I back WAY off now....stop reacting verbally when he arrives home, having driven Himself home drunk.
Let the weight of responsibility descend Now.
Just say Nothing.....in fact Ignore the fact that he's potted and go about my business around the house with what interests me instead of sitting here, Very pissed off wondering whether he'll be sober or drunk when he comes in.
Wed. afternoon I spoke to someone who is a sponsor at one of the al-anon meetings here and the message I kept hearing was.....Back Off from reacting at all.
It is NOT my problem.
By letting all of any consequences of his drinking fall into his lap....he will eventually have to deal with the results.
He has to be allowed to travel down his own destructive path alone with no input from me.
That, in a way, was a big relief for me to hear.
I said "I can stop putting things I want to do and my life in general On Hold.....because of his bad alcohol choices."
And she said "Exactly".
I'll meet her when I go to a meeting a week from this coming Tuesday.
I didn't mean to ramble on......all this info from everyone's experiences and advice here kind of feels like someone is lifting weight off of me that I've been Dragging around too long.....
His drinking, and the results, are NOT my problem !
I've already told my MIL what I've learned so far and she is 100% on board with it.
Good luck, Starflier !
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Starflier,
I am late to this thread, but wanted to pop on and say a belated hello and welcome to SR!
You sound as though you have made so much progress in such a short time. You really are giving yourself loving kindness in your actions and this is so important to healing those injured parts of ourselves - yay you!!!
I hope that your partner finds recovery for herself because as others have said, she may not be successful if she only seeks it to benefit you and your relationship. My exabf went to AA and counselling too, but it soon faded away when, I think, he began to feel that I was becoming calmer. Then the drinking started up again.
Keep focusing on your recovery because at the end of it all it is you who is the most important person in all this. Your partner needs to take responsibility for her own actions and consequences just as you are doing.
Blessings and love to you, remember the three C's - you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Keep posting with us
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am late to this thread, but wanted to pop on and say a belated hello and welcome to SR!
You sound as though you have made so much progress in such a short time. You really are giving yourself loving kindness in your actions and this is so important to healing those injured parts of ourselves - yay you!!!
I hope that your partner finds recovery for herself because as others have said, she may not be successful if she only seeks it to benefit you and your relationship. My exabf went to AA and counselling too, but it soon faded away when, I think, he began to feel that I was becoming calmer. Then the drinking started up again.
Keep focusing on your recovery because at the end of it all it is you who is the most important person in all this. Your partner needs to take responsibility for her own actions and consequences just as you are doing.
Blessings and love to you, remember the three C's - you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Keep posting with us
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
I'm so sorry for your loss of 2 ? children ?.....one to crib death and you said an older one drowned ?
I'm sorry if I didn't remember that right.
God, those must have been crushing losses.
Re: your AP.
It sounds like you are on the right track....
Remember you have a Huge support system here at this board on Your side.
I wanted to ask about something. You said your AP had a "fear of meeting her brother"...
That sounds like she hadn't met him before !
Or had she just not seen him in a long time and was just dreading facing him if she was expected to stop drinking while he was there ?
Oh boy....her brother will be there 3 months ?....but she doesn't want to try to stop drinking with him there ?
I'd suggest not waiting that long to expect her to begin respecting the boundaries you set and/or honoring what you requested in the letter.
Yes, you read that correctly. I lost my third child, a little boy, to crib death at the age of two months. Then, 13 years later, I lost my oldest child, my only other son, to a drowning accident just short of his 16th birthday. Of all the things I know about myself, I know that the loss of these two beautiful boys has been the worst thing that could ever happen to me, short of losing one of my three gorgeous daughters, of course. Because of these great losses, I have kind of a twisted sense of what's actually bad, or impossible to deal with. NOTHING is as bad as losing a child, so it must be bearable, right? I really have no idea how to get past that mentality.
My AP knew her brother when he was a small child, then saw him again at a funeral when he was 16. He's 21 years younger than she is, so there is a huge age gap, and he is also her only living relative, so his importance and her ability to form a relationship with him are utmost in her mind. She knows that if she drinks heavily and acts like an idiot with him here, it will be very harmful to any relationship she might have with him. After being with him a day now, I see that he is very stable, intelligent, and will likely make fun of her if she gets drunk with him. I think that's positive.
One thing I don't want to do is concentrate all the time on how my AP is doing and whether the visit with her brother is progressing positively. She needs to be completely accountable for that, but I know a lot of her heavy drinking lately has been her coping with the nervousness of her brother's pending arrival. Now that he's here, I hope that slows down some. When I start with Alanon next week, I will ask for some direct advice about my situation, and I will continue posting here. You guys are awesome and so helpful! Someday, I hope to be able to help people, too.
Thanks!
I'm sorry if I didn't remember that right.
God, those must have been crushing losses.
Re: your AP.
It sounds like you are on the right track....
Remember you have a Huge support system here at this board on Your side.
I wanted to ask about something. You said your AP had a "fear of meeting her brother"...
That sounds like she hadn't met him before !
Or had she just not seen him in a long time and was just dreading facing him if she was expected to stop drinking while he was there ?
Oh boy....her brother will be there 3 months ?....but she doesn't want to try to stop drinking with him there ?
I'd suggest not waiting that long to expect her to begin respecting the boundaries you set and/or honoring what you requested in the letter.
Yes, you read that correctly. I lost my third child, a little boy, to crib death at the age of two months. Then, 13 years later, I lost my oldest child, my only other son, to a drowning accident just short of his 16th birthday. Of all the things I know about myself, I know that the loss of these two beautiful boys has been the worst thing that could ever happen to me, short of losing one of my three gorgeous daughters, of course. Because of these great losses, I have kind of a twisted sense of what's actually bad, or impossible to deal with. NOTHING is as bad as losing a child, so it must be bearable, right? I really have no idea how to get past that mentality.
My AP knew her brother when he was a small child, then saw him again at a funeral when he was 16. He's 21 years younger than she is, so there is a huge age gap, and he is also her only living relative, so his importance and her ability to form a relationship with him are utmost in her mind. She knows that if she drinks heavily and acts like an idiot with him here, it will be very harmful to any relationship she might have with him. After being with him a day now, I see that he is very stable, intelligent, and will likely make fun of her if she gets drunk with him. I think that's positive.
One thing I don't want to do is concentrate all the time on how my AP is doing and whether the visit with her brother is progressing positively. She needs to be completely accountable for that, but I know a lot of her heavy drinking lately has been her coping with the nervousness of her brother's pending arrival. Now that he's here, I hope that slows down some. When I start with Alanon next week, I will ask for some direct advice about my situation, and I will continue posting here. You guys are awesome and so helpful! Someday, I hope to be able to help people, too.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 63
OMG !
You lost a daughter too ?
I'm so sorry.....
I have not experienced the worst kind of loss which is loss of one or more children....but I've read that it isn't anything a parent gets over or through....the parent finds a way to live with it.
There is nothing that compares.
But there's all kinds of Other miseries out there to be engulfed in, like the reason we're all at this board.
That's good that your ap's concerned about her behavior around her brother.
Her only living relative ?
I hope they form a solid connection while he's there, and they stay connected via email, at least.
I hope you get some specific guidelines at the al-anon meeting this coming week re: your ap's brother visiting.
You lost a daughter too ?
I'm so sorry.....
I have not experienced the worst kind of loss which is loss of one or more children....but I've read that it isn't anything a parent gets over or through....the parent finds a way to live with it.
There is nothing that compares.
But there's all kinds of Other miseries out there to be engulfed in, like the reason we're all at this board.
That's good that your ap's concerned about her behavior around her brother.
Her only living relative ?
I hope they form a solid connection while he's there, and they stay connected via email, at least.
I hope you get some specific guidelines at the al-anon meeting this coming week re: your ap's brother visiting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
TwistedRuby, thank you for sensitive words, they're much appreciated. Just to be clear, no, thankfully, I have not lost a daughter. My first child was a boy, who died in a drowning accident just before his 16th birthday. My second child, a daughter, is alive and well. My third child, a boy, died of crib death at two months. I was then fortunate to have two more beautiful daughters, who are also both alive and well.
So, I had five children, but lost both of my boys. I say that nothing in my life can possibly compare to the loss of my two boys, other than the horrific thought of losing one my gorgeous daughters. When I lost my little baby, I always thought I'd never experience the loss of another child, the odds were simply against it. Then, when my older son drowned, I realized "never say never" so now I always clarify my statement that nothing could be worse unless I lost one of my girls. I hope that makes sense? Okay, on to happier things! :-)
So, I had five children, but lost both of my boys. I say that nothing in my life can possibly compare to the loss of my two boys, other than the horrific thought of losing one my gorgeous daughters. When I lost my little baby, I always thought I'd never experience the loss of another child, the odds were simply against it. Then, when my older son drowned, I realized "never say never" so now I always clarify my statement that nothing could be worse unless I lost one of my girls. I hope that makes sense? Okay, on to happier things! :-)
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