Cassey, I get it, I really do. When I would kick him out before, I would think I was being so tough and strong and yet when he would call (and I'm still doing this), I do not even hesitate picking up the phone so that he could have a chance to get me questioning myself again. A big part of me knows it is because I want that contact because I don't want to lose the friendship, don't want to let go, and the other part of me is the codependent part that is afraid if I don't answer he will reject me, me wanting my drug of choice...him. There was a chapter in one the getting them sober books that helped me with that.