Having a hard time right now with separation

Old 06-25-2008, 07:21 AM
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Unhappy Having a hard time right now with separation

XAB got out of jail last Wednesday, I had packed his things and had him come to the house and get them. The first few days I felt very strong and good about my decision, he was drinking and helped me to know I was making the right choice.

Then over the weekend, he has turned into this crying, sad person that is now having to deal with the pain of his addiction. He got a job in the same town I work and so called me Friday and asked if I could give him a ride. I didn't even really think, my natural answer was "sure", I like to help people when I can. Then after talking to a friend, she said that it probably wasn't a good idea so I called him back and told him I could give him a ride for a week but after that I couldn't.

So then all weekend, he's calling, wanting to spend time w/me, being "Mr. Perfect", then this week since I'm giving him a ride he keeps trying to get me to let him come over, asking if we can go to Church together, asking if we can spend the 4th of July together. And although I keep saying "no", and trying to explain to him that because of my codependency I really need the space and time to work on me because I get so wrapped up in him and his addiction that I don't focus on me and become this controlling, angry, woman that worries about what he's doing constantly. I feel like he just doesn't get it. I don't feel like I will give in, but at the same time I feel broke spirited. I feel sad, guilty, bad for him.

What is even more confusing is I don't even know right now how much of this is my own codependency kicking in, and not wanting to let go of him, am I still feeding off of him needing me so much?

It breaks my heart to see him hurting, but I have told him until I see him in active recovery, making changes FOR HIMSELF, for a good chunk of time, it is not a good idea to spend time together. But he keeps asking, picking me flowers, buying me pop, making my lunch. I am feeling so guilty right now!

I just wish this could be easier, I wish there was a way to make him understand that this is best right now.

Am I saying the right things? I don't want to be mean and coldhearted. I'm just confused and all messed up again. I mean part of me is having a really hard time with this separation WITHOUT all of his nice, sad side coming out.

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Old 06-25-2008, 07:30 AM
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You keep telling him no and yet he is persistent, he is not respecting your wishes, what does that tell you?
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Old 06-25-2008, 07:33 AM
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Can you cut contact with him for a while? That may give you time to feel stronger in your decisions without having to listen to his drama.
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Old 06-25-2008, 07:38 AM
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hadenoughnow, it tells me he is not in recovery, and not willing to respect my boundaries. He's just trying to get me back at this point. I know this, and at the same time I know he is hurting.

Barbara, well next week I am on vacation and won't be giving him a ride, so as long as I can avoid answering the phone, that will be a great chance for me to cut the contact.
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Old 06-25-2008, 07:40 AM
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I found that having absolutely no contact with AH for the first couple of months was absolutely necessary for me to begin my healing. I would not have done as well if I had to listen to his pleading, anger, whining, whatever.

One other thing. If you are now finding that giving him a ride is too difficult for you, you do have the right to change your mind effective today and tell him to find another ride starting tomorrow. You have the right to protect yourself, your emotions and your overall well being.
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Old 06-25-2008, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
I found that having absolutely no contact with AH for the first couple of months was absolutely necessary for me to begin my healing. I would not have done as well if I had to listen to his pleading, anger, whining, whatever.

One other thing. If you are now finding that giving him a ride is too difficult for you, you do have the right to change your mind effective today and tell him to find another ride starting tomorrow. You have the right to protect yourself, your emotions and your overall well being.
Not having contact with my AH right now would probably be the best thing for me as well but we have children together and that is not possible. So I'd say in this particular situation if you are able to detach physically and emotionally it would probably do you some real good. It is difficult to hear the whining, crying, begging, etc... but it is all manipulation on his part. His goal is to keep you attached so you can continue to rescue him and do things for him. You know what you need for you stick to that as best as you can. I am in a similiar boat with my husband right now and it's time for me to stop enabling and rescuing him he needs to fall on his butt.

Peace to you,
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Old 06-25-2008, 08:01 AM
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I was fortunate there were no children involved. Definitely much harder to do when you have kids. But can you set limits to contact, something along the lines of "I will only discussed matters relating to the children and if you start in on anything else I will ends the ocnverstaion? "
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Old 06-25-2008, 10:13 AM
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"What is even more confusing is I don't even know right now how much of this is my own codependency kicking in, and not wanting to let go of him, am I still feeding off of him needing me so much? "

Boy out of everything that I read in your post the above paragraph really stands out.

I am going to say something that is probably pretty crazy, but something that I have admitted to myself in my mind and now for the first time I am actually going to write it.

I dont want bad things to happen to my husband, but I dont want good things for him either. I am scared of good things happening for him for selfish reasons inside of me. He wont need me as much.

He learned to need me for all the wrong reasons and I kept hoping he would need me for the right reasons. There was never a period for us that he was independent, taking care of himself. I got some sort of self satisfaction taking care of him, how dare me start resenting it now. He is so right when he says to me I havent changed you have!!!

I expected and wanted nothing as long as he just looked at me the right way, or said something charming to me, or tell me how beautiful I was. I was so desperate for someone to tell me that I am worth something that telling me I was beautiful was enough.

I have never discouraged him or held him back, but secretly I was hoping for failure so he would always need me. (Is that sick or what) I would never say that out loud and would never try to interfer in what he tried to do. As a matter of fact I would always tell him, go to school. I am going to stop with that now, cause I am sure some of you know exactly what I mean.

Knowing my H personality, knowing how he is he has enough against him if you know what I mean.

He lost his job at Ford, because they actually closed it down, they gave him monies to go to a trade school, so he could collect unemployment for an extended time if he was going to school, he went to IT training for almost a year.

He got his A+ certificate, I was so proud of him, yet scared at the same time. He has quite a few certificates to go and has been sitting on them and hasnt studied for them or even attempted to go take more tests since school was out. See he can go at anytime and take these tests he has to get vouchers and then schedule the test. If he fails he has to pay for it the second time around. I will be the first one to B***ch at him for not doing was he is suppose to be doing, but I am scared if he does.

If he betters himself, I am afraid he will leave me, so what i really need to work on is why the hell would I feel that way, what makes me feel so inadequate, or not good enough.

I think with my H I know that we are not meant for each other and we both came together for all the wrong reasons.

His need to be taken care of because of alcoholism, me "ENABLING" him and my need to take care of someone so I feel needed, him ENABLING ME."

But neither one of us our happy and so we are constantly taking it out on each other and as long as we are together things are not going to change. We came together for all the wrong reason and neither one of us really know what a healthy relationship is, so how can it get better, even if one is recognizing what things are it is not going to get better until both realize what is happening, and then they both have to want to work on it.
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Old 06-25-2008, 11:24 AM
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Cassey, I get it, I really do. When I would kick him out before, I would think I was being so tough and strong and yet when he would call (and I'm still doing this), I do not even hesitate picking up the phone so that he could have a chance to get me questioning myself again. A big part of me knows it is because I want that contact because I don't want to lose the friendship, don't want to let go, and the other part of me is the codependent part that is afraid if I don't answer he will reject me, me wanting my drug of choice...him. There was a chapter in one the getting them sober books that helped me with that.
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