"What is even more confusing is I don't even know right now how much of this is my own codependency kicking in, and not wanting to let go of him, am I still feeding off of him needing me so much? "
Boy out of everything that I read in your post the above paragraph really stands out.
I am going to say something that is probably pretty crazy, but something that I have admitted to myself in my mind and now for the first time I am actually going to write it.
I dont want bad things to happen to my husband, but I dont want good things for him either. I am scared of good things happening for him for selfish reasons inside of me. He wont need me as much.
He learned to need me for all the wrong reasons and I kept hoping he would need me for the right reasons. There was never a period for us that he was independent, taking care of himself. I got some sort of self satisfaction taking care of him, how dare me start resenting it now. He is so right when he says to me I havent changed you have!!!
I expected and wanted nothing as long as he just looked at me the right way, or said something charming to me, or tell me how beautiful I was. I was so desperate for someone to tell me that I am worth something that telling me I was beautiful was enough.
I have never discouraged him or held him back, but secretly I was hoping for failure so he would always need me. (Is that sick or what) I would never say that out loud and would never try to interfer in what he tried to do. As a matter of fact I would always tell him, go to school. I am going to stop with that now, cause I am sure some of you know exactly what I mean.
Knowing my H personality, knowing how he is he has enough against him if you know what I mean.
He lost his job at Ford, because they actually closed it down, they gave him monies to go to a trade school, so he could collect unemployment for an extended time if he was going to school, he went to IT training for almost a year.
He got his A+ certificate, I was so proud of him, yet scared at the same time. He has quite a few certificates to go and has been sitting on them and hasnt studied for them or even attempted to go take more tests since school was out. See he can go at anytime and take these tests he has to get vouchers and then schedule the test. If he fails he has to pay for it the second time around. I will be the first one to B***ch at him for not doing was he is suppose to be doing, but I am scared if he does.
If he betters himself, I am afraid he will leave me, so what i really need to work on is why the hell would I feel that way, what makes me feel so inadequate, or not good enough.
I think with my H I know that we are not meant for each other and we both came together for all the wrong reasons.
His need to be taken care of because of alcoholism, me "ENABLING" him and my need to take care of someone so I feel needed, him ENABLING ME."
But neither one of us our happy and so we are constantly taking it out on each other and as long as we are together things are not going to change. We came together for all the wrong reason and neither one of us really know what a healthy relationship is, so how can it get better, even if one is recognizing what things are it is not going to get better until both realize what is happening, and then they both have to want to work on it.