Originally Posted by
ksplash5 
watching and noticing how my mind creates scenerios ... I'm simply not letting my feelings dictate me going out and using again ... the only way is through ... I have to let them exist in me and not try to change them, control them, or run from them ... One thing for sure is that I want to be zapped. I want a woman to zap me into happiness ... maybe i just need to feel this sadness and lonliness and hurt and rejection and abandonment that lives in me every day. just feel it.
Ksplash,
I am impressed. It is hard to do what you're doing. And I do think that as alcoholics, we want an immediate solution - I love your term, "zapped - I want to be zapped" - so perfectly described. I totally know what you're talking about here.
I also think it's so important to recognize, as I think you are doing here, that
your feelings are not you. And they can exist separately from your choice of actions. That was a hard one for me to get. For years and years I struggled with that. Still do really. But at least now I
get it intellectually and I can remind myself of this and prod myself to think beyond the feeling. To think it through. It's one of the most important things that keeps me sober.
Good job!!
- MLE