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lonely

Old 06-22-2008, 01:41 PM
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lonely

I'm disgusted with myself.

i'm so insecure and jealous. I'm unfit to be in a relationship. my girlfriend just got home from vacation and i'm stuck in self pity and feel anxiety and pressure in my gut. this complete empty tension in my gut is what has led me out so many times.

but something has changed. something good despite the pain. I don't want to use. well after writing that I kind've had the thought. but I simply don't see myself as using.

she is probably going to be asleep soon, after she gets off the phone and i'll perhaps go to the club and a meeting. I'm feeling claustrophic. i'm feeling like an idiot. i'm feeling unattractive. i'm feeling unwanted. I want to cry and pout. i'm sitting here trying to figure out who she is talking to...if it's the guy from work. i am pitiful. she was going to go to sleep and have no energy for me, but now someone called and she's got energy to talk on the phone. If I complain then I look like a needy stupid insecure adolescent. unattractive for a 47 year old.

i'll have to work this out. I have to go through the pain. it hurts and I WILL BE OK. I can't depend on someone like this. funny...in my addiction I couldn't have given a rats ass. I figured if she didn't want me then she could just go and I'd be fine. now that i'm not using I'm a basket case. and I'm living in her house. I mean I call it mine now, but if something happens and it don't work out then i'm out.

for now I have to feel my pain. it hurts. it's good for me, however to simply b e with this hurt. when I'm on my deathbed someday I won't be thinking about this day. I will be OK.
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Old 06-22-2008, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by ksplash5 View Post
i'll have to work this out. I have to go through the pain. it hurts and I WILL BE OK. I can't depend on someone like this. funny...in my addiction I couldn't have given a rats ass. I figured if she didn't want me then she could just go and I'd be fine. now that i'm not using I'm a basket case. and I'm living in her house. I mean I call it mine now, but if something happens and it don't work out then i'm out.

for now I have to feel my pain. it hurts. it's good for me, however to simply b e with this hurt. when I'm on my deathbed someday I won't be thinking about this day. I will be OK.
good recovery, Ksplash...
sorry you are hurting... and I appreciate your honest inventory...
don't have any wise words, just encouragement and a big ole hug :ghug3...and you are right...you will be ok.
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Old 06-22-2008, 02:03 PM
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It does hurt sometimes Ksplash, but you are doing great.

The hardest thing for me, in early sobriety, was to accept that I couldn't control things. And, one of the things I wanted to control the most, was my relationships. And, I could plainly see that I had to have patience. It's hard, but it works.
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Old 06-22-2008, 02:15 PM
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Ok,

Can you talk to me?
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Old 06-22-2008, 06:24 PM
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ksplash,

Kinda a funny/not so funny story: One time early in my relationship with my now husband, I saw a picture of him walking on the beach with this beautiful woman. They were laughing and the wind was blowing her hair into his face. He had left this picture sitting on his shelf.

I obsessed over it. I wrote about it in my journal. I felt like he'd left it out on purpose for me to see. We were very rocky at that point and both us drank a lot. Me alcoholically and in denial.

Eventually, after about a year and after we'd done quite a bit of therapy to decide whether or not to stay together after an unplanned pregnancy, I finally, finally asked about that picture. He got it out and showed it to me again. This time, I recognized his aunt. I love this aunt - she's fabulous and a huge fan of my husbands. But there is NO reason to be jealous. I couldn't believe how much time I'd spent on this warped insecure jealousy.

We laugh about it now.

So besides the obvious, I think I am saying, do yourself a favor and do your relationship a favor and just ask. You have a right to say, "I'm feeling particularly insecure right now for x, y, and z reasons. I am worrying about our relationship and feeling jealous about who you were talking to on the phone."

In my experience limited exclusively to me, women (me) like a man who expresses his feelings. Especially when he's sober.

You're doing a good job!
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Old 06-22-2008, 07:45 PM
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I totally understand where you're coming from Ksplash. My situation is a little different as I've gone and done the stupid thing of falling for someone totally unattainable to me, but I can completely relate to the jealousy and insecurity. Sounds like you are handling it well and know where you need to be. Take care.
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Old 06-23-2008, 06:46 AM
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hi everybody...

I'm not doing real well this morning, but not too bad either. but i'll tell ya, it feelt good just now reading the responses.

I've spent time sleeping and reading a book this morning at work. being at work is a good place for me to be right now.

I got an hour of sleep at most last night. but I stayed clean. when I left the house I left my money cards at home.

I have a lot of opportunity for growth. I'm like an insecure jealous 14 year old in middle school. relationships back then were a roller coaster for me. after the infatuation stage came the turmoil.

watching and noticing how my mind creates scenerios in which to brew in anger is amazing. and yet when it is in full gear, like last night, there's no stopping it. it's like the addiction--once the compulsion gets to a certain point there is no stopping it.

I'm simply not letting my feelings dictate me going out and using again. I want to give myself the opportunity to change. I want to grow and stand on my own two feet, in my thoughts and personal makeup. I want to finally be able to take a stand for good.

the only way is through. I have to stop running. i have to stop pushing this stuff down. all these feelings are my stuff. if our relationship doesn't work out that's a seperate thing. the important thing is for me to know that these feelings i'm feeling are all about me and they are not caused by her or by others outside of me. I let them get triggered. and this is my disease, my problem. the alcohol and drugs is truly a sympton.

I have to face not using, no matter what. in order to do that I have to face these feelings. I have to let them exist in me and not try to change them, control them, or run from them. I have to have a level of commitment that is more than i've ever had and I have to think about what I am committed to.

One thing for sure is that I want to be zapped. I want a woman to zap me into happiness. I want to be engulfed in her love and have this unhealthy and false belief that this engulfment will heal me. that it will zap me all better.

the feelings come from growing up i guess. they come from events back then. I can look at them, as I've done for years in therapy and in a handful of fourth steps, but that may not be the main thing for me anymore. maybe i just need to feel this sadness and lonliness and hurt and rejection and abandonment that lives in me every day. just feel it.

i guess that's it for now. thank you so much for listening to me.
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Old 06-23-2008, 06:50 AM
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Good luck Ksplash! Keep writing, and know that i am reading even If I don't have much to contribute, I am listening and learning..

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Old 06-23-2008, 10:59 AM
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Good job!

Originally Posted by ksplash5 View Post
watching and noticing how my mind creates scenerios ... I'm simply not letting my feelings dictate me going out and using again ... the only way is through ... I have to let them exist in me and not try to change them, control them, or run from them ... One thing for sure is that I want to be zapped. I want a woman to zap me into happiness ... maybe i just need to feel this sadness and lonliness and hurt and rejection and abandonment that lives in me every day. just feel it.

Ksplash,

I am impressed. It is hard to do what you're doing. And I do think that as alcoholics, we want an immediate solution - I love your term, "zapped - I want to be zapped" - so perfectly described. I totally know what you're talking about here.

I also think it's so important to recognize, as I think you are doing here, that your feelings are not you. And they can exist separately from your choice of actions. That was a hard one for me to get. For years and years I struggled with that. Still do really. But at least now I get it intellectually and I can remind myself of this and prod myself to think beyond the feeling. To think it through. It's one of the most important things that keeps me sober.

Good job!!

- MLE
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Old 06-23-2008, 12:42 PM
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your feelings are not you. And they can exist separately from your choice of actions.
thanks for the reminder. and for me this is something that I am starting to GET. starting to internalize. and i'm newly understanding it intellectually and practicing it at the same time. i remember hearing this said perhaps a few times in treatment, but I couldn't relate.

your post helps me feel stronger that I am on the right path for ME. that I am getting it. I am really doing something different in my recovery today. so many times after a relapse people have asked me "what are you going to do different this time?"

and I would develope a new thing, or add a new twist to my recovery. and then get all excited and think that I had finally gotten it. but each new different thing wasn't a whole lot different. there was some good new ideas, but not different.

this realizing and knowing that i am not my emotions is new. this NOTICING what my feelings even are, and THEN just letting them sit in me so that I can feel them is new and different. I have been practicing this for over a month now. I am getting it--the ability to know and feel my feelings.

it almost sounds silly to me--talking about feeling my feelings....like it also sounds silly to look at myself in the mirror each morning and say "i love you". I still feel uncomfortable doing that one...not that i've tried many times.

I dont know if I will stay clean. but i am hell-bent upon staying clean TODAY. I am doing a good job creating my own rehab center right in the middle of my life.

thanks for listening
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Old 06-23-2008, 03:00 PM
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"your feelings are not you." Sorry, don't know how to use the quote thing.

Wow. What a thought. I had not thought about that before. I tried for so long to not think about my feelings. I hope you are doing well for today
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Old 06-24-2008, 12:33 PM
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hi

finally I had a little energy and motivation to write. I've been tired and lazy and withdrawn today. this has made me more tired and lazy and LONELY. no suprise there.

so it's a late start. We can start the day over right in the middle of the day. I will try to do that right now.
I will try to force myself to move forward
I will try to force myself to stay awake
I will try to force myself to be interested in other people
I will try to force myself to TASTE the breath I'm breathing right now

this laziness grows into more laziness and I can and will overcome it, today. and then the laziness grows into boredom. and boredom is one of my biggest GATES back to using.

so I'm waking up. I'm being re-born. right now. I will be active in my life today. My new life is part of my recovery. taking the action and practicing new ways of living is vital for me. going to meetings can be a good thing, but changing my life is the final exam.

it's amazing how a little writing and reading on this website can help. i'm grateful to be fortunate to have this wonderful resource.

thanks for listening
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