hi everybody...
I'm not doing real well this morning, but not too bad either. but i'll tell ya, it feelt good just now reading the responses.
I've spent time sleeping and reading a book this morning at work. being at work is a good place for me to be right now.
I got an hour of sleep at most last night. but I stayed clean. when I left the house I left my money cards at home.
I have a lot of opportunity for growth. I'm like an insecure jealous 14 year old in middle school. relationships back then were a roller coaster for me. after the infatuation stage came the turmoil.
watching and noticing how my mind creates scenerios in which to brew in anger is amazing. and yet when it is in full gear, like last night, there's no stopping it. it's like the addiction--once the compulsion gets to a certain point there is no stopping it.
I'm simply not letting my feelings dictate me going out and using again. I want to give myself the opportunity to change. I want to grow and stand on my own two feet, in my thoughts and personal makeup. I want to finally be able to take a stand for good.
the only way is through. I have to stop running. i have to stop pushing this stuff down. all these feelings are my stuff. if our relationship doesn't work out that's a seperate thing. the important thing is for me to know that these feelings i'm feeling are all about me and they are not caused by her or by others outside of me. I let them get triggered. and this is my disease, my problem. the alcohol and drugs is truly a sympton.
I have to face not using, no matter what. in order to do that I have to face these feelings. I have to let them exist in me and not try to change them, control them, or run from them. I have to have a level of commitment that is more than i've ever had and I have to think about what I am committed to.
One thing for sure is that I want to be zapped. I want a woman to zap me into happiness. I want to be engulfed in her love and have this unhealthy and false belief that this engulfment will heal me. that it will zap me all better.
the feelings come from growing up i guess. they come from events back then. I can look at them, as I've done for years in therapy and in a handful of fourth steps, but that may not be the main thing for me anymore. maybe i just need to feel this sadness and lonliness and hurt and rejection and abandonment that lives in me every day. just feel it.
i guess that's it for now. thank you so much for listening to me.