lonely
I'm disgusted with myself.
i'm so insecure and jealous. I'm unfit to be in a relationship. my girlfriend just got home from vacation and i'm stuck in self pity and feel anxiety and pressure in my gut. this complete empty tension in my gut is what has led me out so many times.
but something has changed. something good despite the pain. I don't want to use. well after writing that I kind've had the thought. but I simply don't see myself as using.
she is probably going to be asleep soon, after she gets off the phone and i'll perhaps go to the club and a meeting. I'm feeling claustrophic. i'm feeling like an idiot. i'm feeling unattractive. i'm feeling unwanted. I want to cry and pout. i'm sitting here trying to figure out who she is talking to...if it's the guy from work. i am pitiful. she was going to go to sleep and have no energy for me, but now someone called and she's got energy to talk on the phone. If I complain then I look like a needy stupid insecure adolescent. unattractive for a 47 year old.
i'll have to work this out. I have to go through the pain. it hurts and I WILL BE OK. I can't depend on someone like this. funny...in my addiction I couldn't have given a rats ass. I figured if she didn't want me then she could just go and I'd be fine. now that i'm not using I'm a basket case. and I'm living in her house. I mean I call it mine now, but if something happens and it don't work out then i'm out.
for now I have to feel my pain. it hurts. it's good for me, however to simply b e with this hurt. when I'm on my deathbed someday I won't be thinking about this day. I will be OK.