my awaking and the pepper plant
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how i feel as i"m learning to love again as me .it took so much for me to see what was in front of me ...until i lost it all.to realize all i had was all i needed.the women i love, my two boys and yes even my ex-wife.there was everything i ever needed.in many ways it was my drinking way to much for one to handle and that is what brought out my anger.to take it out on everyone i love.was the worst thing i could ever do to anyone.to think i had it so bad.where i didnt.all i had to do is to look around and open my eyes and heart.if i would have done it sooner.it would"ve taken so much to get me where i am today.to see myself in that bed laying there helpless with **** and **** all over me .i thought i was dead.but to see myself for the first time.i saw what everyone was trying to tell me.to see that i was going to be alone,unhappy in everway and at this time i was.to make me realize what i have done to everone i love. i push them away.i should have never said the things i said to them or the things i did to them..i put them threw hell.to let them see me do it to myself,all because i drank and the pain of worry about work and where i was going to get money from or my next job..my boys the world is so bad in many ways for you two boys to grow up without a father .and i many ways . i thought i was doig the rigth thing.by being a hard ass to them, showing them that a little hard work.is good for a person to learn,but really .i was pushing them away.who wants a drunk for a father.and in the same way who would want a drunk as a lover.to let her see me try to kill myself.and to make her feel so bad about herself.to tell you the truth. i"m glad she did what she did .to push me into waking up to see and understand.how when and where it went wrong.the when and where is this.i always had to drink.the what .it didnt matter because it would take just any small thing to make me mad and want to drink more..now how can i as tlrgs live and understand. what i did.that is kind of hard because.i do not remember alot of it.it took sue and i to sit down and talk about what i had done to them and her..all i can ask for is to see if they have it in their hearts to for give me.i know it takes time.i will say one thing.for along time.i didnt believe there was a GOD.until the day i woke up and looked around .there were signs all around me..to see the cat friendlier.the pepper plant .i had planted last summer. it completly dead were alive again with flowers on it . and it was in october,we had christmas pepper and its still going strong.the ideal of just saying no and controlling my anger the best i can and thinking before i speak.to have sue back and my kids wanting to spent time with me they have even gone to a meeting with me.is the greatest gift of all .. we are getting marired and take the time to live one day at a time.what i want most of all is for them to open their eyes and see. that i can change not for them .but for myself first.i know it will take time . but am on the right path now.and i know there is a god . i am a better man for just taking that first step and admitting that i am an alcoholic and going to meetings.they really do help ....would love to hear your comments thanks.....TLRGS
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best thing about the future it comes one day at a time